AITA for causing drama during an important football game?
By - femalesaddle
That's a wrap folks. As much as we have enjoyed babysitting this thread, we have a busy day of calling the game "soccer" to a European and asking how many feet wide a soccer field is and have to lock this one down.
**Get out of this "relationship" NOW**
You are NTA. Your "partner" however is a world class giant AH.
He put a **game** over you! A *game*!! He wasn't playing in it, he wanted to **watch** other people **play a game** leaving you stranded at hospital and THEN he had the AUDACITY to be mad at YOU for interrupting *his watching a GAME*.
**DUMP HIM NOW!!!**. You mean **nothing to him** and he is proven that.
😳😳 You don't have a partner, you have a monster.
I totally agree and I am English. Yes, it’s coming home and it’s an amazing achievement for our country, but I would NEVER abandon my partner at the hospital just so as not to miss the first minutes of the game. He could have listened to the radio whilst driving you home until he could join his friends. He is unbelievable selfish. You can not depend upon him when you need him so he is definitely not a partner not partnership material.
It’s not coming home lol but yea seriously, friends could’ve waited 10 min and just skipped the halftime nonsense
>It’s not coming home lol
How very dare you
it's coming Rome 😌
EDIT: omg thanks for the award ❤️
EDIT 2: IT WENT TO ROME, FORZA AZZURRI ❤️🇮🇹
Say it louder
FOOTBALLS COMING ROME🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹
I don't even care about any sports, but I find this thread of comments really endearingly entertaining. haha
IT’S COMING HOME
Yes please! Forza azzurri!
But think of how mad it would make OP’s “partner” so it’s a win/win
Best case scenario is if we do win, but he somehow misses it…shame appendicitis isn’t catching really.
I cannot imagine being such a fan of anything that I would abandon someone I care about to go watch something on TV at a friend’s house.
My husband is a football fan, and football fans are EXTREME, but he would never pull up something like this.
I’m a football fan and I already did some crazy shit for my team, like I’d get the room to watch the game tbh lol But wouldn’t abandon my partner at the fucking hospital wtf seriously
...and then have the audacity to have a go at her for messaging him during the game after he left her miles from home with no back up plan.
Shit I'm super passionate about the raptors and the year they won the championship I had no time to watch the finals games because of the upcoming midterm week. If I can choose to focus on my midterms, you can choose to focus on your wife who has been hospitalized. He clearly doesn't care about her.
My father-in-law's a huge fan, but I'm confident he'd be at the hospital with his wife in this scenario. He'd be watching the match on his ipad but he'd be there.
That’s the thing. We live in a world of technology. He could have recorded it, stayed at a hotel, or maybe watched online. But no, he couldn’t be bothered to change anything in the least. He wanted to watch with his boys, which was more important than making sure his girl had a safe way home.
Now that's a football fan, I've been at weddings where the game is playing because everyone on both sides refused to miss the big game - not even they would condone this, and every one of them are football mad (they let me read my book during games so I'm still being social lol)
My ex was an *extreme* (American) football fan. When I was pregnant he went out to get me KFC during the Super Bowl, just because I said I was craving it. He was super-quick, but he did it willingly enough. Left his friends sitting in our living room and everything. lol
What’s crazy to me is that he didn’t try to work around it. My SO would never do this, but if he did we would plan something ahead of time to make sure he could go to his friends and that I was picked up and taken care of (like my sister getting me and having a sister day). That said - he’d STILL be blowing my phone up checking on me….
I get that some can be quick to jump to “dump him!” But this is a major red flag and OP should really think about how she feels about her rank in his life. There’s only a few things I would expect my SO to place above me and football is certainly not one of them.
I usually don’t jump straight to dump him but she really should. This is not someone OP wants to have a family with.
Neither can he. BF clearly doesn't care about OP.
I feel like the friends are just as bad. I think my husband would knock sense into his friends if they were like, oh yeah I left my SO at the hospital to watch this game. Like....we would actively kick them out of our house and make them go get the SO.
That's assuming he told them the full story and didn't spin all the calls or texts as being over something unimportant.
(That or part of the reason he's so "embarrassed" is that it got to a point of the friends noticing, they chewed him out over it and he's too much of an A to accept that it's judgement of his behaviour rather than OP's)
Not ruling out that his friends are just as bad as he is, but I also wouldn't rule out him being the type of person to play down his own culpability for a situation in order to look better to his friends.
Screw English fans atm. The amount of toxicity I've seen from them I hope they lose.
Yep! I always root against England because their fans are fucking HORRID, and this dummy is a prime example.
Almost every country has these sort of fans.
Exactly. They ruin it for the rest of us and the media love to make a meal of it.
There are a lot of us out there who enjoy football and are decent human beings too. Honestly. We hate the awful fans too. Would you believe some of us peacefully watched the game last night at home and didn't cause trouble at all? Would you believe that some of us who in normal times would attend league matches and manage to spectate and return home without drinking too much, using racist or abusive language, or causing harm to anyone or anything?
We are a majority. The awful people you're talking about are the minority.
The guy who is the subject of this post is problematic, not the sport.
Fans from other countries in the Euros made monkey noises at the black players, threw bottles onto the pitch, all sorts of disgusting nonsense. Football often brings out the worst in diehard fans, it doesn’t matter what country they come from.
My country is literally on the edge of being banned from World Cup because fans can't stop chanting homophobic insults at referees or adversaries. Hell, fucking Coca Cola had to do spots to remind people of not fucking do it, and because is our national sport and gets a lot of revenue for them, you know it's serious business
It’s a small minority. Media love to blow everything out of proportion. Grab a beer on Sunday and enjoy football coming home!
Most aren't, the problem is the that are dreadful are the ones that get noticed.
Yes! It was crazy when they insulted a 9 year old German kid, because she cried when Germany lost.... I mean wtf its a kid and they send her death threads? What's wrong with them...
And then I still can’t get over the thing with the lazer pointer in the match last night like wtf. Those fans are just unbelievably toxic
That's also horrible.... I think for the first time ever all German fans are on the side of Italy lol
It honestly makes me hate being English. I want to support my home team but the fans don’t make it easy
Yes, because football hooliganism is why you should hate being English. The problem is not ENGLISH fans but football fans in general.
I'm British.....I live in England.......I wholeheartedly concur with this comment here
Same. In fact it was so obnoxious outside (I live in central London) last night I actually wanted them to lose out of sheer meanness.
Same here. I normally go for a walk down the Thames in the evening, but the unbelievable amount of noise kept me inside; I seriously didn't want to face it. Even with all my windows shut, it sounded like I had lunatics screaming in my living room.
Not all of us are dicks but unfortunately there are a lot of fans who are complete xenophobic tossers and they spoil it for the rest of us. These arsehole fans don't deserve the great team we have at the moment.
Especially ones that trolled the 10 year old German girl. Sick.
I laughed so hard at the “yes it’s coming home”
I know nothing about sports but I work in an English pub and I heard quite a few people say this yesterday. What’s the joke?
It’s the lyrics from a song originally written for when England hosted Euro ‘96, and it has hung around as the unofficial anthem of English international football ever since.
I've never actively hoped against England like I have this cup - and I'm not a fan! This guy just amps it up tenfold, but OP needs to seriously leave. This should be in r/relationship_advice, because there is no way humanly possible that she is to blame in all this.
u/femalesaddle, i hope you read all of these comments telling you to go and GO. You had surgery and all your partner thought about was a game that he wasn't even playing in. He literally abandoned you because a televised game was more important than your health and well being. And then had the audacity to blame you for causing drama? Girl, GTFO NOW!
Oblig NTA x 10000000 for this.
Also English and also wanted to watch the game yesterday. That being said, if my (hypothetical) partner was hospitalised or *insert other major event that means they need my attention* then they would take absolute priority in the situation, because at the end of the day it is just a game of football that I’m playing no part of.
Relationships are about respect and OP would be much better off with someone who respects her enough to make her a priority when she’s hospitalised.
shut up... its going to italy
It’s going ROME 😁🏴
> I totally agree and I am English.
Canadian, concur. Even a Game 7 SC final or Olympic gold must, repeat MUST, be skipped if your loved one is in the hospital.
And I've got up at 2am to watch an overseas game at a sports bar.
Yes, OP, please think about this:
1 he abandoned you in another town with no way home (that he knew of when he chose to just leave)
2 he told you a game is more important than you are
3 he told you his friends are more important than you are
4 he told you his pleasure is more important than your needs or feelings
5 he is angry at you for being upset about 1-4
6 he has convinced you that 1-5 (*his anger* at being called out!) *are your fault*, taking no responsibility for his selfish choices and bad behaviors
Please please leave him, and get therapy to help you relearn that YOU ARE IMPORTANT too.
Good luck. :)
This is the comment. I hope OP sees it.
And he's fucking 12 years older than her and is childish AF. What the hell kind of future could she possibly have with him??
My ex-husband left me in the emergency room to go drinking with his friends. If that isn't bad enough he then dragged me to the next state 5 days after I got out of the hospital and abandoned me there with no transportation or even keys to get back in our house. He blocked me on everything and emailed me for a divorce while he fucked off on a "sabbatical from life" . The complete disregard for your health and safety will only get worse. Don't end up in a position like I did.
My exhusband forced me to drive to the hospital while in labor. Showed up high AF with his friends for the delivery. He became my ex that day.
I wish I had stood up for myself better the day it happened, but I had been up for like 52 hours, taken a very difficult final exam, and I was in so much pain.
I am very sorry you had to endure that horrible situation.
I think my strength solely came from the pain of labor. Hahahahaha
I had multiple clots in both lungs and my right leg. I wasn't oxygenating super well when I was begging him to just stay until I got a room.
Oh my god. I’m really sorry that happened to you that’s so awful:((
Yeah that was just the start to my super shitastic 2020. Turned out I was hospitalized because a previously unknown genetic disorder was rearing it's head.
Damn. Glad that you are fighting through this and hope you are on a journey to cope with it
Yep I got my butt in therapy asap. I'm almost done with grad school now (because of course he left me 1/3rd of the way through my degree when I couldn't work) and should be starting a nice stable much more lucrative career soon.
Glad you got into therapy. I don't know what is wrong with some people.
Congratulations on being nearly complete with your grad school. That is an accomplishment!!
Oh I know what's wrong with him. He let his untreated depression numb his feelings until he became a sociopath. He told me he preferred being that way. The man I married is essentially dead and there's a cruel stranger wearing his face
>He told me he preferred being that way
Having been in the same mental place he is, that's horrifying. I'm so sorry, I'm at a loss of words at the thought of a person *liking* being there.
Also just want to point out a statistic that I saw shared before the game yesterday.
Domestic violence in the UK when the partners team loses goes up by over 40%. When the team wins, it goes up by 26%.
Essentially, if they're aggressive, rude and put you in danger around game time - run. Run now.
I just did a quick Google. On ties, it only goes up by 0.1%. Some places, it actually goes down.
Really? Because my 'quick google' found this:
What source did you find?
Edit- I see now you said 'ties' but I haven't seen that done in any study. Regardless, the point is that if they're being aggressive around matches, you might be in danger of violence and should get out immediately.
Interestingly, when England tied Slovenia, incidences of violence only increased by 0.1 percent, and when its match against the U.S. ended in a draw, the domestic violence rate actually dropped by 1.9 percent
That's insane. I hope more research and funding goes towards domestic violence and survivors to help people notice the signs and escape.
Don't forget the bit where he wanted to watch it with his friends! She offered a hotel so he could watch it but no it HAD to be watched with friends. He could've even listened to the first half on the radio on the drive back and caught the 2nd half with his friends.
In his order of priority she is 4th or lower after a game!!
I hope she reads all these replies, wakes up to her reality and dumps him!
I know Reddit has the tendency to advise people to dump their partners over anything, but this would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. A partner who abandons you at the hospital to watch a football game isn’t prioritizing you, at all. NTA.
Oh come on, couldn’t she have just sucked it up and held in the appendicitis for another day? It’s not like it could rupture and kill her if she waits too long to go to the hospital. She’s clearly being unaccommodating to his needs by developing an emergent medical condition right when he wanted to have some fun.
This, 100%. Not to mention, at 39 years old, dude is approaching mid life crisis territory, which could mean increasingly heinous behavior toward OP. Obviously not a given, but a real possibility, especially considering he's already shown no regard for her safety/wellbeing.
Agreed so hard. Sometimes people tell folks to dump others over something that can be rectified with a conversation or any kind of third party mediation, but this is an immediate dumpable (is this a word lol?) offense.
WTF did I just read???
NTA. I’m literally speechless.
My husband is English and a massive football fan, to the point where I now recognise players and know their names (previously had no clue except for Beckham).
If I was in hospital, my husband would wait as long as it took. He’d be annoyed at the hospital, but no way would I cop it for him missing the game.
My husband has missed games to spend time with my family … because even though he’s a huge fan, he knows people are more important.
Your *boy*friend is pathetic. He’s blaming you - and accusing you of making him look bad. Honestly, he looks **horrendous** for ditching you at the hospital.
I hope you’re feeling better now and on the mend.
I think I may know which hospital you may have been at, I know it took me a time to be released from the hospital when I gave birth 9 weeks ago and my husband spent days sat in the car. You need a man like that.
GET OUT OF THIS “RELATIONSHIP”
This. This. This.
Listen OP I grew up in a soccer crazy family (Germans) but no game was ever more important than family, not even Worldcup final.
Our days it's so easy to just record it and watch it later...
This so much! OP my dad absolutely loves football, like watches it on multiple screens will be super into the game, works his day around it, loves it. He would never, ever do anything like this, this is not even slightly normal behavior this is absolutely disturbing.
He didn’t even put watching the game ahead of her. He put watching the game *with friends* ahead of her because they could have gotten a hotel room and still watched the game. This is so beyond unreasonable
OP is dating a middle aged English football fan and is almost 20 years his junior… even if he hadn’t abandoned her at a hospital to watch the match I would still be screaming for her to get out of this relationship.
From the way it started I assumed OP was in the US and the bf was an expat but he was in the UK and could’ve watched the match bloody anywhere.
OP is NTA at all.
Yes, he clearly cares more about football coming home, than he does about his partner coming home from hospital, what a gigantic asshole.
Hard agree. Get rid immediately. Stop defending his abusive behaviour. NTA. Cheez.
And to make it even worse, it wasn’t just about seeing the game. OP tried to compromise and get a hotel room so that he could still watch the game and everybody would be happy. But no, he not only had to watch the game, he had to watch the game with his friends. I understand not wanting to miss out, but I’d miss just about anything to avoid leaving my partner stranded at a foreign hospital (or anywhere they weren’t 100% comfortable being honestly)
I'm English. NTA.
Your partner is a huge asshole.
You can watch games on replay, you can watch games on your phone. If your partner NEEDS help to be discharged from the hospital safely then a football game should never take precedence. He sounds horrible.
I'm not even going to address him being angry with you because you messaged him during the game, because it's so far out of line it makes me furious.
I think you should seriously consider whether you want to continue this relationship given how little he appears to care for your wellbeing.
A 39 year old man dating a 27 year old woman who thinks a sports game is more important than tending to his partners health issues. There's just so much wrong here.
Indeed! He really is a terrible person/partner/bf. He has no regard for you at all. NTA OP!
I watch a shit ton of sports, let me tell you, you can 💯 answer a text
Yeah, halftime is 15 minutes, that's plenty of time to check your phone
There are plenty of times during play to answer texts too. It's rarely ever 45 minutes of non-stop action, and if you happen to look down in the 30 seconds that a goal happens, there will be a replay immediately after.
Yep, I'm English too and I live in America. Before watching the game, I made sure my wife (American) wanted to watch it too, and that everyone was having an okay time.
Your husband is putting you over a sport. Even though it's a historical occasion for us to get to the final, almost anything to do with your relationship should take precedent.
I know Reddit tends to jump straight to "dump him," but in this case... dump him. NTA. Your health is more important than a game, and if he can't make that 100% clear, he does not need to be in a relationship. I don't care if this event is "important because you're English." Still only a game. The mfing Superbowl, Stanley Cup, and World Series here *could all be going on at the same time* and my husband, even when he was just a serious boyfriend, would drop. everything. if I had to go to the hospital. Appendicitis may be pretty routine for doctors, but it's still a major health event requiring surgery.
Get you a guy who texts *you* during the game.
PS He's doing some major manipulation and gaslighting if he's got you thinking he's not an AH in this situation, too. Girl, RUN.
Right?! “Luckily he didn’t miss the start of the game”, WHAT?!
OPs been brainwashed that a football game is more important than her health.
And if you read her replies to some of these comments, she’s still defending him and thinks she’s just misrepresenting him. He’s got her fooled
He’s 39 dating a 27 year old. He’s certainly in the camp of “dating someone significantly younger because someone their age would absolutely not tolerate their bullshit.”
Also imagine someone pushing 40 prioritizing watching a sports game over their hospitalized partner
It reminds me of my ex being angry with me because my MRI went on too long for his liking. I had even told him that it would be long because they also wanted to gather some research data, so I could get a taxi back, but nope.
I remember that mindset so well and how tremendously unstable everything around me felt at the time. It's shit and I'm glad people are speaking about it more. If someone makes you feel like you're insane for having basic needs, run.
And a freaking football game? Ooh, don’t wanna miss the 30 hours of no scoring!
“Am I an asshole for having an unplanned, deadly medical emergency during a sport thing?”
No sweetheart. You are not. NTA
OP’s replies are heartbreaking. I’ve been in a similar situation and I’m internally screaming GET OUT.
I also know OP won’t listen to anyone on here, the abuse runs so deep, she hasn’t hit her relationship rock bottom yet.
Until he does something so low that she can’t justify his behaviour to herself, she will keep defending him.
I just hope it’s cheating or something similar that opens her eyes and nothing that will place her in danger.
I hate when ppl downplay appendicitis, it is a major health event. it can be lethal. my daughter nearly died, she needed multiple surgeries and was left open in the ICU packed with gauze in an induced coma. OP needs support and affection. if my bf ditched me at the hospital and left me on read... I can't even articulate that - I couldn't leave someone I *hated* stranded in another town after surgery, let alone my partner. my bf isnt the most expressive person but I can't imagine him being so devoid of basic human kindness... I'm just disgusted
Yep. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, she needs to DTMFA.
Your boyfriend wanted to watch a game on tv. He’s not an athlete playing the game. No game is more important than picking someone he’s supposed to care about up from the hospital. He left you stranded, while recovering from emergency surgery, hours from home, to watch a game. And he got mad at you for his disgusting selfishness and screwed up priorities. **Your boyfriend chose watching a game with friends over your health and safety.**
NTA and it is time to **throw the whole man away.**
This isn’t a cultural importance of sports thing, this is a your boyfriend is a terrible person thing.
And somehow this counts as "causing drama?" "Expecting my bf to keep his word and drive me home from the hospital" is obviously not "causing drama." I can't imagine why she would think that unless he's got a habit of ignoring her needs.
Also, I'm pretty sure phones in the UK have a Do not disturb function or even a off switch. If you're not going to answer your partner who just had surgery, you're not going to answer anyone anyways so just shut it off.
If you read her replies, it's clear he is gaslighting the heck out of OP. She thinks she's misrepresented him, and that he isn't a bad person.
Dont worry, she'll remember this post a few years from now when she's filing for divorce from a failed marriage.
I would like to add that even the professionals playing in the games are excused when a family member is in the hospital.
That's the part that stood out for me: 'cultural significance'. It's a football match for crying out loud, there will be another one on Saturday and then one more on Sunday and then many more in a few weeks etc etc.
I enjoy watching football myself, but I'm glad I know what to prioritize in these situations.
But! but! But! He wanted to watch the game with his friiiiiiiends! He didn’t want to watch the game with *you* in a *hotel* room! So, figuratively, pouts and stomps his foot, the thirty nine year old man.
Op, you have a wonderful friend that would come and pick you up and take you back home at 2 am. It is too bad your partner is nowhere near as wonderful. I hope your recovery is swift. NTA
Thank you for well wishes, I am recovering well now. My friend who picked me up she is also not English and so didn't watch the football so it's a bit different. But yeah, she was super helpful because she had to take the train to Wales and then a taxi to the hospital and then sit with me for a few more hours in a taxi to get back to London. I am blessed to have her a friend x
Stop putting the blame on him being English. This isn’t an English thing, it’s an asshole thing.
Who cares that much about a football game when their partner just had appendicitis and then surgery complications!!!! Only a true asshole.
That friend is really nice and likely spent a good amount of money to get OP home.
see, now here's a good example of gaslighting. somehow this knobhead has convinced OP that football is a religious sacrament in the UK, and that SHE'S the crazy one for uh, lemme check my notes... WANTING TO BE PICKED UP FROM THE HOSPITAL?
he was already there and ABANDONED her. for a few days. from the outside this is *insane.*
My husband would have taken the days off work for an emergency surgery with complications. It worked out in the end but that doesn't excuse his willingness to leave her alone like that.
Granted it's not always possible to take off like that but most employers are reasonable when it comes to emergencies like this.
Yes! This isn’t an English thing at all. The bf os selfish and cruel. He’s pathetic.
Legit. Its not an English thing, it's not a soccer thing, it's not a sports thing, it's not even a 'man' thing.
This is just straight up assholery and OP is trying to make excuses to dismiss it.
For gods sake, he's 10+ years older than her and she's acting like a parent to a troubled teen who just threw a tantrum.
Let him wank off with his football friends.
Seriously. Im from a country where soccer is as culturally relevant as it is in the UK and people miss games all the time over the most trivial things that simply are more important than a sport event.
Plus 2021 ffs.. it would have been the easiest shit in the world to record or even livestream the watchparty if he is such a raging fanatic and that would still be a huge dick move cuz it would mean his attention wasn't on his sick partner.
What you describe is psychotic.
You are aware that MOST English people didn't give a toss about the match yesterday?
I'm writing this from my flat in London, living with my English fiance and 6 other English people in the flats above and below.
We had a lovely distanced BBQ on the balconies yesterday, including other English neighbours from left and right side, no one caring about the footy.
He's telling you a lot of bullshit to keep you compliant, not every bloody English person is a clone of this asshole.
I second this. My English husband really didn't care about the match and was mostly pissed off when everyone started yelling in the streets as we were going to bed.
Your partner is an AH op. Nothing to do with being English.
Absolutely this. Pretty much everyone I know, most of whom don't watch football, was watching the game last night. Saying "most English people didn't give a toss" is hilariously incorrect and misleading.
That all said, OP you're NTA and your partner put way too much weight on seeing the game with his friends, especially since it wasn't even the final. On the other hand, the friend that did come and help you, she's a friend for life.
I thought it was the final the way people were going on about it.
I'm English but kicking a ball isn't my entire universe.
INFO: do you think all English football fans are abusive partners? I genuinely don’t understand why you keep banging on about this being an English cultural thing.
I think potentially her partner has drummed into her head that his behaviour is normal and that she should respect his choices because "It's an important game for England!" or some bollocks.
Abusive partners tend to do this so their victims don't question the behaviour or actively defend it - which is what she is doing!
But the OP has literally hundreds of people telling her right now it isn’t normal and she’s essentially covering her ears.
Yeah but I can somehow sympathise with her. It's a hard truth to learn you are being used and abused.
My own mother was abusive and it took until I was 22 to see it clearly. My husband has been with me since I was 16 and he spent 6 years basically doing what these redditors are doing and I spent 6 years defending my mother's actions because *I simply didn't want it to be true*.
My older brother was equally abused and he is still burying his head in the sand.
When you're in the middle of a storm for so long you've forgotten what the sun looks like, a million people telling you it's sunny a few miles over the horizon still won't convince you that the sun exists.
It's sad and bitter and tragic, and it's why assholes like OPs partner get away with this crap for decades.
It's seriously heartbreaking to read. I remember making the exact same comments on a post I made years ago. How I must not have explained it very well, because really, *I'm* the one being dramatic. I can't expect him to cut contact with his affair partner because if I had been a better girlfriend, he wouldn't *have* one in the first place. The same stuff she's saying, about how he's from a different culture, how not meeting his friends, and loving them more than me, is normal. People tried so hard to get through to me, but I had spent my life with one partner after the other, all like this, and I couldn't imagine ever being treated better than this (and admittedly I haven't been so far, single for 6 years now). It's brainwashing, basically, what guys like that do to you. She'll have to come to a realisation herself, because she'll find a 100 reasons for why a bunch of internet strangers don't know what they're talking about. It's easy to ignore bc she's not wrong, we don't really see the whole picture. It's just one of those few cases where seeing only a snippet is enough.
Exactly. I have seen a comment from OP where she mentions feeling sick to her stomach reading our comments and I tried to reach out compassionately because I can imagine she's feeling scared, horrified and is ready to shut back into denial fast. I get it.
The other redditors here getting angry at her and downvoting her responses are not helping.
Yeah. It's so much easier to get frustrated with abuse victims than have empathy because from the outside, the solution often looks so obvious. Like looking at someone in a maze, from above. You can see an exit, but they see only walls. I'm no better though, that's why I usually don't talk to people on these posts directly. I just don't have the patience and I don't wanna end up getting angry at them for something that is *not* their fault. I wouldn't be helpful. Good on you for reaching out though, and for having that understanding. God knows we need more of that.
The storm analogy is beautiful
Solidarity. Finally got away from my mother/abuser last year. The storm analogy is 105% true and the only way I was able to even consider the sun existing was because of the support I had from my s/o. Without being shown what love is supposed to feel like, I would have kept making excuse after excuse after excuse. "Well she's your mom...!!"
Yes and she's also the reason I have c-ptsd so severe I call having a single day of no panic attacks a 24-hour win streak.
People can be utterly horrid and if they manipulate you just enough, you'll let yourself be a punching bag thinking it's your fault you're the right shape to be hit.
Anyway, sorry for the novel reply to you. Just hit right in the heart. I wish you nothing but health and happiness, stranger.
Yes you are lucky to have her :)
And now you know how important you are to your partner, too, that a friend would help you while he would not.
There is a time for “the most important game in the world or a lifetime” or whatever… and there is a time for looking after your partner. I am sorry you had to find out just how you rank on the importance scale.
You were lucky this time, imagine if she just couldn't do all of that and you had to sit there until the game was over and he'd sobered up, slept, ate whatever plus 3 to 4hrs.. You had emergency surgery and suffered complications, but the game was more important?
This man is a good bit older than you which makes it more disturbing, especially in the way hes using your lack of local cultural knowledge to keep you in check. If he was 27 then you could possibly hope for change, but at 39 I'd say it's far less likely. NTA, time to start planning your exit.
It's not any different tho... She stopped whatever she was doing in her life to take a train and a taxi to get to you then sit w you for more hrs then had to go home. So, then whatever she was doing wasn't as important because she's not English and doesn't watch football?? Come on girl! Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? You are NTA but your "bf" is A HUGE one... And since you keep defending him after all of these people are telling you how horrible he is, he's already got you brainwashed. I really hope you wake up to the situation you're in... Leave him! Because it sounds like he wouldn't even think twice about leaving you for something stupid... Like a fucking football game!!
Your friend is a much better partner than your “partner.” My ex was like this and for so long I didn’t value my own worth. You are worth someone missing a game. Doesn’t matter if you’re presenting your dissertation, giving birth, getting an award, having surgery. If you matter to your partner, he’d show up for you AND STAY. You might be thinking he’s the only person who loves you but that’s what manipulative men do. I promise you there are better people out there who will love you.
NTA but Y T A to yourself. I hate to be mean, but your replies are embarrassing. This story couldn’t be clearer in demonstrating that he does not care about you enough for you to stay with him. I, too, love football. I would never, not ever, do this to a partner. Neither would anyone who loves and cares for their partner. I hope you grow up before it’s too late and leave this dude.
Yes! The replies are so ridiculous it feels fake.
> it feels fake
welcome to aita. "hey i was saving puppies from a burning building when hitler came back to life and beat the shit out of me. am i the asshole guys !?!? :("
It is fake. I mean just think of the click bait headline. Whole thing is fake. It isn't drama to have a fucking surgery.
You're right, no one has ever been abused before and clung to their abuser. No one has ever had their self-esteem destroyed by a manipulative asshole and blamed themselves for it.
This can’t be real right? I legit can’t imagine someone believes it’s ok to leave a partner at a hospital while they’re being discharged (or any other time, really). If it’s true, I’m so sorry you deserve better. I wouldn’t even do this to an acquaintance or coworker if they had asked for my help during my favorite game or show in the world, let alone my own partner. Wow, NTA.
Thank you. I was quite scared when he left and reading these comments is having me tear up. I know he isn't a bad person but I'm now starting to think maybe he should've been more supportive.
He is a terrible person. He abandoned you in a vulnerable time for a football match, then called you selfish. Selfish is what he did
He IS A BAD PERSON. You deserve so much better than someone who puts a stupid football match before his partner.
Please, for the love of god. This is only going to get worse if you continue with this dumpster on fire of a relationship.
He is not a bad person. He is a ***HORRID*** person.
Please try and imagine how you would react to a friend telling you what had happened here. If your friend's boyfriend had left them in hospital because he wanted to watch TV, would you be thinking "oh he's a good person" or would you be thinking "wow what an asshole"? What your boyfriend did is not okay.
For the record, this is a plot line in the West Wing.
Donna, the assistant, explains how she was in the hospital and her boyfriend was supposed to get her, but he stopped at a bar to watch a game and never showed up.
The other characters are shocked that someone could do that.
Her boss even says nothing would stop him from getting to the hospital to be with her.
Fictional characters know what your boyfriend did was terrible!
I came here for this.
Josh: "I'm just sayin' if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer."
Donna: "If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights."
OP, you're worth someone who won't stop at red lights for you.
Please try to internalize what everyone in here is screaming. You have a shifted perspective of what is good/acceptable behaviour from others.
That he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he's not a bad person. Abandoning your partner while they're in the hospital in fact makes you a bad partner and a bad person. It's the *minimum* amount of decency.
It could be the Queen's of England coronation ceremony and it still wouldn't justify him for *abandoning* you during a medical emergency. Specially because you were away from home and *he knew* him leaving would signify that you wouldn't only be stuck in another county, but that you won't be discharged.
you're right, "bad" is an understatement. he is an abuser.
How does your friend who picked you up from Hospital feel about this situation? If she thought it strange she’d have to take multiple sources of transportation + added travel time to get to a friend from Hospital when that friend has a bf with a car?? It’s sad the way you’re defending someone who could give a fuck about your well being. Thank God for your friend
He’s a horrible person. Horrible. No decent man would leave their partner at a hospital. A decent man would quit everything and run through fire to be with their partner.
What the illegitimate fuck? He left you, his *girlfriend,* to watch ***A FUCKING GAME.*** I am literally seeing red right now, he is a massive asshole and this is hard, but you ***need*** to leave him.
No. He is actually a bad person. This is exactly what a bad person would do. He may have done nice things for you, but that just makes him a bad person who has done nice things, not a nice person who has done bad things. THIS is his character.
He's calling you an asshole and says you embarrassed him because he embarrassed HIMSELF. I would bet even his friends think it's fucked up that he left you in the hospital and they know about it because you called/texted and *that's* why he's mad.
It's a GAME! This isn't a cultural thing like a religious event (and even those have exceptions for sick loved ones!), it's a football game and I personally don't even believe he loves football that much, I think he just loves you that little, and I'm so sorry about that.
You absolutely must value yourself more than this and understand that his behavior is unacceptable in every way. I have been left in hospital by two men, so I know exactly the type. This will not improve. No one who loves you would leave you like that. Someone who loves you would take a train and a cab just to be by your side for a journey into the city in the wee hours, like your friend did.
I drove 3 hours each way to pick up a sick, pregnant friend who needed immediate care when her husband wouldn't leave his hunting trip to bring her to town, and I took her to her appointments and then home and stayed with her for a week while she was on bed rest trying not to lose her son. They are, surprise! No longer together.
He left you alone in a medical crisis. I'm a place you are unfamiliar with. Without transportation. Without a plan. Without shelter. Without even responding to your pleas for help! He fucking abandoned you in the streets of a strange place when you were recovering from a complicated surgery - for a football game with people he likes more than you. And he ignored you. And then yelled at, sneered at, and berated you for his sick behavior. It's straight up abusive. I hope you can see that. I'll be totally shocked if he's never threatened you verbally or physically intimidated you. If he hasn't yet, it's coming. Don't wait. This will not improve. It never has in all of human history and it will not start now.
Find a therapist if you must, but you need to see this situation as it is, unacceptable and you need to free yourself before you end up trapped with a child or a marriage or home or just trapped by abuse, or fear or shame.
This is not normal. He is not a good person.
He is AWFUL and this is emotional abuse. I’d pick up my husband from the hospital no matter what. This behavior is disgusting and it does not sound like you are in a partnership at all. Im so sorry that he did that; I would have been beside myself.
There's so few reasons for a partner to bail on someone being discharged from the hospital without being an ass.
It includes life or death of a third party, possible harm to a child or someone without the capacity to deal/defend themselves, or something that would trully jeopardize their livelihood.
And still, you should communicate that with your partner and seek a solution, you don't just ghost out.
Once you agree to do it you follow through ffs.
It seems far fetched but abusers like this are real and they know how to manipulate their victims into truly thinking this behavior is not only ok, but you deserve it. I am a strong smart woman and I still got sucked into a relationship like this for 9 years before I was able to gain my self worth back just enough to get out of there. People like this do exist and it's scary.
NTA. Why are you still with this man? You were in the hospital with a legit medical emergency and all he cared about was a football game. Girl, you can do so much better than him.
Yes, why are you excusing him? What would be more important to you than picking your boyfriend up from the hospital? If you and he can think of a list of things, or if even one of you can, then maybe you are not compatible. You are NTA. He is a complete AH
She's excusing him because this is only the most recent thing in a long history of gaslighting and other abuse. OP is not seeing things from an objective perspective; to her, this is only slightly outside the norm. That's an assumption, but I think it's valid given the way she's writing about it like it's not completely insane and egregious. Abusers always start small and build on it over time.
OP, you would benefit a lot from speaking to a therapist. Rely on your external support network to get away from this abusive psycho.
I know this is hard to hear. I KNOW you don't want to believe what we're saying but PLEASE see sense.
Your boyfriend is abusive. This is abusive behavior. ITS not a drama free lifestyle, it's not a cute English quirk about being obsessed with football. Its abuse.
You had a SERIOUS and complicated surgery and *told him* to get a hotel as not to miss the game but instead he *LEFT YOU* at a hospital hours away from your home when you were getting discharged.
What happened if a friend couldn't come to get you? You couldn't stay at the hospital but you couldn't leave by yourself.
And then he has the *audacity* to yell at you for calling him? After he abandoned you???
He's gaslighting you which is a sign of abuse. He abandoned you in another city, alone. Which is *ALSO* abuse.
*PLEASE* PLEASE please go get help and get out of this relationship.
OP I agree with everything above.
I had a non emergency hospital appointment the same day as the quarter-finals. My bf left work early to take me to my appointment, waited for me whilst at the appointment and then drove me home knowing full well he may have missed part of the match doing it. I didn't ask him to - he offered.
He is a massive football fan but was more than happy to miss a game/part of a game when it came to my health.
Please rethink this relationship. You deserve better.
NTA - it's an important game (best run we've had in 55 years) but things like health are more important. Sounds like you did everything you could and he's TA for being so insensitive.
You are not even remotely in the wrong here. Your Boyfriend is a selfish and manipulative asshole.
NTA and I would suggest finding a new partner. This one doesn’t care about you AT ALL.
My friend who picked me up took a train from London, then a taxi to the hospital. Then we took a taxi together to London because she doesn't drive.
Your friend is a fucking saint. She did what your boyfriend should’ve done.
No kidding, if I had a friend call me because her Ahole bf left her at the hospital he would be checking into one as soon as I got her home.
DUMP HIM! He cares more about a game than you. You did nothing wrong. He doesnt care about you. He left you stranded in the hospital after surgery so he could watch a game with his friends. What advice would you give someone else?
NTA. It was a huge game for sure, but you should be the priority here. You weren't messing him around at all, and it's hardly your fault you had appendicitis (horrible, hope you are feeling a lot better now!). You're not selfish at all.
Thank you. I am making a good recovery now.
I'm glad to hear it. But please take in what other commenters are saying - you didn't cause drama. You are not a drama queen and you shouldn't feel like an inconvenience for being seriously ill.
The only way you can recover is leaving this abusive ahole who is probably still married. Please OP, we are worried for you. Stay safe.
I'm reading through all your comments. I'm curious, how many red flags do you need to see this relationship is not healthy? It's solely based on him and his feelings. If this is your first big fight with him, look very closely because he has shown you where you rank in his list of priorities, your name isn't even on that list. If it was, you wouldn't be here.
he is because he's clearly, obviously a massive pile of garbage for treating you this way
and yet here you are, enabling him. you clearly are going to stay with him despite hundreds of people telling you not to. He doesn't care about you in the slightest. good luck
edit: for clarification, the ESH is more so about 900 people saying OP's boyfriend is bad and OP defending him. A sports game is NOT more important than the well-being of anyone.
Are you calling the OP an AH for not leaving an abusive situation the moment Reddit users told her to? Have you found in your experience that it is helpful to call people AHs to build up their confidence and self esteem?
There are 900 comments here telling OP what to do and OP is saying they're all wrong about him.
This situation isn't as abusive as it's going to become in the next few years
so yes. I don't like blaming victims but I do find it helpful to call someone out so that they hopefully wake up and realize the situation. Seeing OP say "I hope I wasn't wrong because football is important" is not a normal thing to say.
Reading through the comments, I feel really bad for you. I also get the feeling that you’re a foreigner and your boyfriend is using that to take advantage of you. You’re completely convinced that he’s not a bad guy when he obviously is.
There has to be a voice in you telling you he’s dangerous and that’s why you made this post.
I think you probably can't see exactly how messed up your partner's actions are due to being in a foreign country. You're probably trying to justify it because he is your life line in the country, and the closest thing to family you have nearby. But you need to leave this relationship. Do whatever you can to leave. This man will never prioritize you and it will hurt you more and more as time goes by.
Does nobody else find it surprising that someone would post a very obvious not the asshole post which just make England fans look like dicks, jumping on the current Internet bandwagon?
Look at u/femalesaddle's post history, all AITA posts where they appear golden and the other person is a clear asshole.
Yes, football fans in a lot of cases can be insufferable, but Reddit and Internet culture in general is such a toxic environment and this shit just serves to increase that.
Loool. Everyone took the bait. Well spotted!
Wow.. this guy SMH.
NTA - your hubby however is a massive AH.
No sporting game is that important.
My father is an Avid football (aussie rules) fan and his team haven't won a flag in my lifetime.
Don't get me wrong if he had to miss a grand final game his team were playing in... he probably wouldn't let my mother forget it.
But he would miss the damn game.
Anyone that would prioritise a sporting event like this over their loved ones health and safety is someone that I would cut out of my life so damn fast.
I'd jut like to add here. Fuck fans that think that the achievements of their team are in any way a reflection on them or their lives.
It might have been an important game for the team.
For him it's a regular form of entertainment. No matter how big he has built it up in his head.
There are times on Reddit where I sincerely hope something isn’t real, because it’s honestly horrifying if not. In case this is, omg. This is the biggest red flag ever. It’s not normal nor ok to be pissed at a loved one for having a medical emergency no matter how that might inconvenience them. NTA.
I hope you mean your ex. A sport is, watching or playing, is NEVER more important than a person.
He left you at the hospital and is calling you an ass? Is this the type of person you want to I be with?
What is you were having a kid during a big game, or chemo?
Life happens and it's a game. Drop him like a hot potato.
This so much OP please read this! I normally think this sub jumps way to quickly to the nuclear option but not in this case!
I felt slightly unwell just as the football was starting out yesterday and my SO missed the first half an hour to make sure I was ok.
You were in **hospital** after having had **surgery with complications** and he left you because he didn't want to miss the football!!?
They are neither good person nor a good SO. They prioritised a football game over your health and comfort and what's worse they have got you doing it too. You shouldn't be jumping through hoops to try and get them to stay and pick you up. You deserve so much better.
IT'S A FUCKING GAME. Let me restate that **A. FUCKING. GAME.** How big of a motherbonking arsehat would have to be to value a ***FUCKING GAME*** over not just any person, but your *girlfriend's* ***LIFE.*** I *cannot* say this enough, *leave this asshole ASAP.* u/femalesaddle
Okay my next door neighbours are Italian and they are OBSESSED with football. It is their life. They would die for the game. The husband hasn't shut up about football since the Euro cup started. There are Italy flags all over his property and trucks. Like I said... obsessed.
If his wife was in the hospital waiting to get discharged from surgery, he'd WATCH THE GAME ON HIS FUCKING PHONE.
OP, I see you refuting all of the commenters recommending that you dump your partner. But let me ask you: if one of your friends told you this story about THEIR partner, how exactly would you react and what advice would you give them?
English person, NTA, he's an utter douche, dump him,
He could have listened on the radio, or maybe just been caring and worried about you
NTA - what the holy hell?
He left you at the hospital to watch a football game?
I am from the UK
Trust me, any decent partner would put you above a football game
This would be a relationship ender for me
I can’t imagine staying with someone who values football over me
Trust me, the game isn’t that important to him
He isn’t playing, he is watching it, if football is that important to a person that they would leave their partner alone at the hospital they have issues
You should come before a game
Especially when you offered a reasonable alternative of getting a hotel room
Girl you need to face the fact you are low on his priority list
There will always be another football game
And you will come second to it
Oh and he is trying to gaslight you by making you out to be the bad one
Edit: reading your comments…..we are all telling your the same thing and all your doing is defending him
Oh sweetie, I hope you can see this for what it is and take of the Rose tinted glasses
“And luckily made it on time to see the start of the game”
No “luckily” about it, he abandoned you after surgery for a game.
He doesn’t love you, you are an inconvenience to him.
To provide some context this isn't just an important game.
This was the first semi final we've been in since 1996 and now the first final since 1966. I'm mid 40s and have never seen England play in a final.
That being said, there's no way I'd leave my wife to fend for herself after an operation.
Therefore totally NTA
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