aita for ruining my sister’s wedding.
By - wedding_crasher200
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
i may be the asshole because i should’ve just ignored them like i had been doing
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I started dating my ex when I was 15 and we broke up when I was 23. If he ended up dating my sister, knocking her up, and then marrying her, I would lose my shit.
While barging into a party, screaming at them wasn't exactly the most healthiest decision you can make, personally, I say fuck them. They clearly don't care about you, and if you got some relief from doing what you did, I say congratulations.
I did get some relief in the moment but now I’m just so drained
Also DO NOT send that ring back. Sell it and use the money to help pay for your therapy. Is it the least they can do!!
I planned to post the same thing. Therapy or some other form of self care and healing work. I'm so sorry. Not just for the betrayal and miscarriage but for the gaslighting as well. You don't deserve this. NTA.
Holy cow. What your sister said about why your baby died is the most insensitive selfish delusional narcissistic shit I have heard in a while. Burn the ship and do not look back. I guess she must have always been insanely jealous of your relationship with him to actually marry your sloppy seconds. I feel for you OP and I’m sorry you have such a craptastic family. Here is wishing you such a happy future and a new love and beautiful family. I will also pick a few awards for you because damn you deserve them. Sell the freaking ring and take a vacation. I wouldn’t waste a dime on therapy over any of that or any one of them. Celebrate the universe for revealing the people they truly were and you have a doozy of a story to tell.
Edit: thank you all for the awards. I am glad so many agree that OP deserves the best future and to leave this mess and these crazy people in the dust!
>Sell the freaking ring and take a vacation. I wouldn’t waste a dime on therapy over any of that or any one of them.
Came here to say this. Depending on how much you get for it, go to a spa, buy yourself some great new clothes and go enjoy being single, whatever that means for you. You're still young enough to find the love of someone who doesn't run to your sister (or anyone else) when things are tough.
>to actually marry your sloppy seconds.
Haha okay I laughed. As for him, he marries a discount OP. Great couple.
Yes. Use the money from the ring to take a nice vacation during their wedding.
This is turning into the greatest petty revenge post ever
OP, Write a note to your sister: "I only showed up for your party and made a scene so that when you have a big fight with your new husband, and he needs a shoulder to cry on, he won't come running to me. Cause you know the rest of the family will be okay with that too."
OP Still go to therapy, but other than that I agree. Sounds like your sister is the golden child of an at minimum emotionally abusive family. The truth about families like that is they need YOU more than you need THEM. They're using you for resources, labor, and as the standard of achievement. She could have dated anyone, but who you were dating was the ceiling for your sister. You can find much better than him if you were able to find him in the first place. This may be the only way your sister can drag someone into a marriage. Cut your family off and see where your authenticity takes you. When you find your chosen family ("the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb"), you will find an authentic happiness that they can't touch. They will do backflips to ruin it because they could never have something like that. They're empty inside and you have a depth of passion and emotional intelligence that they resent.
Edit: Thank you for the awards 💜🙏🏽
>Cut your family off and see where your authenticity takes you.
This. This line so much. To paraphrase Frigga, Thor's mom, "Be who you are, not who you're *supposed* to be." The idea of seeing where your authenticity leads you is a process of discovery, which you may have just begun with what you did at the party. You were being the *real* you, not the you they wanted/expected you to be.
Don't see your going to the party drunk and telling them all off as a mistake -It was your real self finally saying what it has wanted to say all this time.
OMG this. I can’t believe you’d send it back. I would smash it into unrecognizability and send the photos of that before I’d send the ring.
You over them nothing.
The effing nerve of your sister.
Id sell it like her sister plans to. That’s why there’s an urgency. They want the cash.
Pawn it and send the claim check to sister. LOL
I like this idea. Except op would have to have some contact with her and I think she should never look back.
Well, that could be, but people like her sister have no shame, and she might even wear it...
She had no problem taking her sister fiancé why wouldn’t she wear her ring?
Exactly what I'm thinking
Great idea! I would say "I wanted it to fit in the envelope" NTA
Or you could dummy up a ripped bag, send that through the mail and claim that it’s lost. No wait, that’s too diabolical and OP needs to separate her emotions. Just fantasize about it, tell your sister NO! and then block them all on every device and social platform. NTA, and I’m so sorry that this all happened to you.
Tell them it now lives in your toilet tank, lol.
Maybe don’t actually put it there, for various reasons. Just mess with them.
It's an engagement ring. If in the US, legally it's not theirs to keep if the engagement is off
EDIT: I should have elaborated and did not expect so many replies haha. My thought when I initially commented was that people should verify its ok in their state to sell the ring because it isn't always considered a gift. In some places it's a contract and may need to be returned depending on who broke it off. In this case, OP most likely would be allowed to keep it.
It depends on the state. I know in my state of her ex-fiancé was the one to call it off, OP would get to keep the ring because the ex was the one who broke the ‘contract.’ I’m not sure what would happen in what seems like a mutual breakup, but she should look it up if she’s worried.
Her ex didn't ask for the ring back, the sister did! Her sister has no legal rights to that ring. If she's offended it exists, OP should sell it. That'll take care of the problem.
Any judge or jury would award it to OP as the jilted party
What Jury? Its a civil case.
Obviously a jury of fine upstanding Reddit commenters
You might want to look up Legal Eagle on Youtube. He did a segment on that
Keep the ring!
Sell it and do something fun with the money.
Sell it and put the money towards your therapy bill.
YES! When he gave you that ring, it was a gift. It's legally yours, and you should absolutely sell that ring and keep the money.
I was gonna say this too. It’s a gift, it legally belongs to OP. Sell it and go on vacation or something.
Depends on the state/country OP is in. They might be legally required to return the engagement ring. It's considered a contract in some places and isn't really the recipients unless the wedding happens.
I'd return the ring, but nothing else that he might have given her while they were dating. The rest of the items are legally gifts and don't have to be returned.
OP, definitely look up and see how your area handles engagement rings and if you're legally required to give it back. If you're not required to give it back to him, prolly say fuck it and pawn it instead. Like, who goes around and has unprotected sex with your ex's sister if you have a possibility of getting back together with them? This would have been less heinous if it was anyone else
100% this! The ring is yours, you owe them nothing! By all means don’t hang on to it but use it to fund something for yourself.
She should obey the law. An engagement ring is not a normal gift, legally. It’s a conditional gift. In most places if he ended the relationship, she would be allowed to keep it; if she did, she would have to return it. (Obviously only if a lawsuit were filed.)
Thats normal. You need sometime to grieve not only a long-term relationship, but a relationship that lasted most of your lifetime.
That's just the feeling of emptying out all the darkness they injected into your soul wih their utterly heartless betrayal.
You have to let it out, and eventually let it go. Nowhere else to go but up once you hit rock bottom babe.
OP NTA and I agree with the other comment DO NOT send the ring back. If he wants to marry her he can buy her her own. Sell it, do whatever you want.
She doesn’t deserve it after what she did, especially saying your baby died so *she* could be happy? I would’ve had some choice words for her for that.
That's the feeling from lancing an infected wound.
Take good care of yourself, do things that invigorate you (something creative, something beneficial, something productive), and to hell with all those people.
You said what you needed to say to them, and now you can be done with them.
Now you can start working on what you need in order to heal.
Please do not give the ring back if you can! You are a strong individual. You shared this online with strangers on Reddit who all can tell you, your "family" are huge As. You need to take care of yourself. Find a new unit of supportive folks, maybe animals, do things you love, do this for yourself! The ring can be sold to help guarantee your care.
Please get some rest and take care OP❤ and obvious NTA, their behavior was cruel
Im proud of you, they needed a major fuck you
I'm was ready to say ESH but I will go NTA for they were public with other people before talking to OP. I don't believe OP has veto power (there was a breakup and people can move on) on the relationship but more a curtesy. So 20% ESH 80% NTA
sister tho...... def has veto power
NTA. Agreed, I can't necessarily condone her behavior........but I understand, hell I *overstand*. Your family sounds exhausting and uncaring, for normalizing what your sister and your ex did. Your sister is insufferable and she had no right demanding the ring back.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but I am glad that you are in therapy. You deserved better from all involved. Good luck!
holy shit NTA. “my sister told me maybe my baby died for a reason so she could get her happy ending.” who the FUCK says that to anyone, let alone their sister?? you had a miscarriage which is heartbreaking enough and then your sister swoops in and steals your partner & has the audacity to say something like that? i’m angry FOR you right now. i am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this bs
She was there for me during said miscarriage. I cried on her lap, she was the first person I called when the doctors informed me. That broke me so much, I don’t know how much therapy is going to fix me
I've never suffered a miscarriage, so I cannot speak to that pain, but I have been in that place where I felt so broken by family betrayal that I didn't know how I could ever be whole again. I'm here to tell you that with time and therapy, it does get better. In my case, along the way I saw that my family had been dysfunctional-to-toxic all along, and I barely noticed. Whether or not that turns out to be true for you, you will be better off without people who don't support you.
This internet stranger is here to tell you that one day, you'll wake up and go the whole day without thinking about your family. It's a long process, and it's not remotely linear. You'll feel great, and then a memory will pop up on Facebook which ruins your whole day. But then, one day, a memory will pop up and you'll just... go on with your day.
Prioritize yourself right now. Set the boundaries you need to, cut out the people you need to, and lean on those who have demonstrated they can be relied upon. Get therapy ASAP. If you don't click with your first therapist, get another. Sometimes one therapist can only help you so much, and it's time to move on. No shame there.
Wishing you all the best. This is a tough road, but you can walk it.
You can also block certain people or dates from FB memories, if you need to.
You just need to work through the emotions and get on a track to a better life. I'm so so so sorry that happened to you OP.
Karma has a way of working things out. Your sister will never be truly happy with him, I bet. She'll be looking over her shoulder because she'll be afraid that he'll cheat on her like he did with you.
ETA: OP, just read your update. See it's starting already! For your *sister*, not the ex-fiance, to demand the ring back says a lot. She already does not have peace of mind. Oh and she wants you to be her MOH? Huh, she probably just wants to keep her beady little snake eye on you. Don't give that ring back! At least, not if your sister is the one demanding it. If you wind up having a conversation with the ex and he wants it back, that's a whole other thing. Your sister has no claim on that ring and she just keeps adding to her assholery.
Agree for different reasons. If anything ex fiancé cheated on the sis with OP. It’s gotta sting for the sis to know she was always 2nd place to her husband and that she was dropped like a hot potato once OP became available again.
And she always will be 2nd choice for her soon to be husband because she knows deep down that there's no way he would have agreed to marry her if he didn't get her pregnant. She will be looking over her shoulder for as long as their "marriage" lasts (probably won't last long) because she's knows of given the chance he'll be crawling back to OP. But I have no sympathy for her because she set herself up for it. She's his consolation prize and he's her 2nd place trophy who can't keep it zipped.
She set herself up for it and then was so cruel to her sister. She made her bed.
Yep, she made her bed indeed. So did the rest of them who betrayed OPby not telling her the truth. Karma will bite them all in the ass eventually, and I hope OP gets a front row seat when it does.
He already once dumped the sister to get back with OP, only to return when she was pregnant. So far not much of a stable relationship.
Not to mention he only went back to said preggo when OP kicked him out! Sis is never was/is going to be a first choice for him.
Not even cheat. She'll always know that he *chose* OP over her, and only altered once circumstances made it all but necessary. We get people posting on here all the time having trouble that their spouse is honoring a departed ex - imagine if that ex is still alive *and* is a sister who has zero loyalty to you.
yep, My mother used to always say "how you get them is how you loose them" when it came to cheating partners. He's going to get overwhelmed with family history and the baggage that comes with everything they just did and he'll end up cheating on her and leave her absolutely miserable and a single mother. What. An. Idiot.
I'm just going to point out that if her "happy ending" is being her husband's second choice every time (he dated her when he was missing you, broke up with her to be with you, and would have stayed with you if you hadn't broken up with him again...) she leads a very, very sad life.
THIS. You could have him right now if you wanted him. Thank God you don't because you deserve so so so so so much better. Just know that he isn't happy. He looked to her for comfort because he was weak and couldn't process all of the grief and emotions from the miscarriage and the breakup in a healthy manner. Not because he loved her or because "the heart wants what it wants". If that was the case he wouldn't have come back to you.
He will feel trapped and resentful and their marriage won't last. She will ALWAYS know that he loves you no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise. She will also know how people view her. No matter how much they console her or say the right thing to her face, she KNOWS deep inside that what she did was disgusting and that she'd be judging harshly if it was someone else. She will always feel insecure and wonder if maybe he'll start confiding in you, or even someone else, when things get bad. He, while stuck with this woman who he didn't even want to continue a relationship with before being forced to because of the pregnancy, will have to watch you pick yourself up, which you WILL, and move on and find happiness and it will KILL him.
I'm so sorry that all of these people betrayed on so many different levels in an attempt to create immediate and temporary peace and the illusion of perfection, that "everything is fine, nothing to see here!" and somehow act as though it is YOU who is irrational. Anyone with 5 brain cells can see the truth. Trust that. Everyone can see what is happening even if they don't say anything. Makes them shit for not having your back but just know, they do know that they'd react the same way you are and that what your sister and ex did is absolutely gross. Not to mention your family totally disregarding your feelings. Time will go on. You WILL feel better. You will come out stronger and in a much better place. They will just have to sit in the mess they created. Hang in there.
We’re your family now
Was going to say this. OP, we are your family now; we're sorry your former family is a bunch of twats with zero class, but we're glad you've cut them off. Also, sell the ring and use the money to take a self-care vacation. Somewhere pretty where you can relax and be far, far away from all that toxicity.
Then she got together with your boyfriend.? That even breaks the friend code let alone family code.
NTA however your ex and sister are very much TA’s. I would not be able to forgive either of them.
I highly doubt there relationship will last, everyone will be crawling back to you soon, do not let them. your family sucks, and you definitely dodge a huge bullet with your asshole of an ex fiance.
You will get there, and you know why? You sound like an amazingly strong person. You shared the fault in your relationship breaking down (and honestly that's a tough thing on a relationship, and adding in you were so young at the time, it's all very understandable), and you worked on improving yourself and your mental health. Sure having the big dramatic yelling moment wasn't maybe the best in the long term but frankly I applaud you.
So keep them at arms' length while you heal, surround yourself with people who will love and respect you, find yourself a partner who deserves you, if that's what you want, and live a fabulous life. You deserve it.
Exactly. I know it doesn't feel this way now but, once the clouds have lifted, I promise you will look back on this mess and think, "Thank god I'm out of that".
Also, your sister didn't get her "happy ending". She got to be second prize for a guy who accidentally knocked her up. That's not a happy ending and I'd be shocked if they last.
OP, idk if you'll ever see this, but I want to share something my therapist shared with me.
Therapy won't fix you, it isn't designed to. Therapy is designed to help you live as the best version of the person you are now. You'll never be the person you were before, and that's okay. You're becoming a stronger, better person and I am so proud of you.
Go to r/momforaminute for a new, supportive family and walk away from all of your family of origin. Your bio sister is trash and it's heart breaking that your bio donors are supporting her in all this
You don't need to be fixed. You need to reconcile to the fact that you have been surrounded by AHs. This is hard to do.
You are whole and you are enough.
So she comforted you for the loss and then turned around and secretly jumped on your fiance's D? She is a truly awful person and you will be better off without her in the long run.
I... Just... Can't.. How fucking evil 😭
I literally gasped out loud when I read that part. That is evil! I can't even begin to describe how evil that is, from the thinking it to the saying it.
OP, NTA. Your family doesn't deserve you. Ffs.
**NTA. Your own f\*cking sister said maybe your baby died so she could get her happy ending? Oh hell no. I would intentionally wreck their wedding for that sh\*t alone.**
Man it’d be on sight if my sister ever said that to me
On 👏fucking 👏sight
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
#**ON 👏 FUCKING 👏 SIGHT 👏**
What does this meeaannnnmmm! Help me, I’m old! Lol
The second I see your ass, I'm fucking you up. Be ready or don't, it's happening the second I see you regardless.
I have to be honest. I would probably show up in a wedding gown.
Imagine if a whole bunch of us showed up in wedding gowns.....
I mean, I'm not busy....
I wanna come with!
I am so in and I HAVE A WEDDING DRESS. I don't have to be anywhere soon.
I have my gown and I’m free.
I would diet to get my dress to fit again just for this!
Show up in wedding gowns and claim OP’s ex knocked us up too
Edit: wrote on instead of in
I don’t have a wedding dress, but I DO have a brand new box of red wine 🍷 and I’m clumsy as shit.
Yo OP when and where is the wedding
op: well i no longer have a family.
reddit: look at us. we are your family now. also, where do these people live? we just wanna talk 😌
I will probably never get married, I’d like to wear a wedding gown at least once. Tell me where and when and I’ll be there
Count me in, I would totally show up lmao 🤣
Have my wedding dress and a *very* flexible schedule!
Nah, you gotta find out where they’re getting married and all the vendors and cancel every order, repeatedly. Eventually they’ll run out of food locations, good caterers, good bakers, etc. if you can, bribe the bridal salon and ruin the dress too.
Don't cancel on them - that could venture into "assuming a false identity" legal territory. Calling every single vendor in a 2 hour radius and giving your sister and ex's names and spilling the whole story to all of those vendors so they won't want to work with them, or they'll charge an exorbitant asshole tax? Totally in the legal clear
nah tell us where the wedding is and we’ll all show up in white.
Perfect, an excuse to wear my wedding dress again. I'm there.
LETS FUCKIN GO
Especially since this isn't ex-boyfriend, ex-fiance. If they got so far where she had bought a wedding dress, I hope she does wear it lol
Honestly? If my sister were to say this to me, you'd probably have to visit me in jail because I'll be charged for a "crime of passion". Anything that would have been close to me (chair, knife, table, plait, cup, bowling ball, whatever) I'd use it to throw at sister because I would be seeing red at that moment 🤯😬
That was so horrible...but I will say that not only is Karma a bitch, she's a petty bitch with patience, a long memory, and a twisted sense of humor. Sister will get hers eventually, and it will be EPIC.
I was like maybe she's a little bit the asshole until I read that. Fuuuuuuuuuck that.
As far as I know a marriage ceremonie can't continue when someone objects.
OP maybe you should accept the invitation after all...
>my sister told me maybe my baby died for a reason so she could get her happy ending.
the second your sister said this, it physically became impossible for you to be an asshole. you could have shown up drunk to the actual wedding and not been an asshole. the nerve of your sister is absolutely astounding
Right?? I'm angry OP felt the need to apologize. I would give back the ring knowing that these two losers deserved each other and I dodged a couple of bullets
I’d wear the ring to the wedding. Or sell it. Or throw it in a lake. Anything other than giving it back to those absolute fucknuts
I like that better. Certainly wouldn't go to their wedding though!
True but it’s fun to imagine OP walking in and waving around the ring her sister wants back.
NTA i hope this is real because you’re my hero
Haha I’ve never been called a hero before
You are a hero.
You refused to be made a sacrifice to your family's disfunctions. One of the daughters stabbed a dagger in the back of the other and it was easier to pretend your wound doesnt exist that to accept they raised a monster. Heck, they turned a blind eye to your sister saying your baby had died to give her a happy ending!!!!!! And they want you to believe you're the one with the problem?
I will quote the narcisist's prayer so you understand how strong you are, because you didnt let them drag you into their game:
**That didn't happen.**
**And if it did, it wasn't that bad.**
**And if it was, that's not a big deal.**
**And if it is, that's not my fault.**
**And if it was, I didn't mean it.**
**And if I did, you deserved it.**
What an eye-opening thing to read. I feel like a lot of questions about the last few years of my own life have been answered through this.
You should post this publically on every wedding photo they put up
You're my hero because you are taking care of you, scheduling with a therapist and trying to avoid the bottle. You're making good choices. Take care of yourself.
You are absolutely a hero
And keep that ring, girl. Sell it and move far away.
Good lord NTA and if it took liquid courage to tell these people they are AH and take up for yourself then good on you. Why should you turn a blind eye to this bullshit.
You sister is a major AH for her comment to you, but you dodged a bullet, if your ex is ok with doing this to you he is NOT a good person.
ESH - We have seen this a lot on this sub recently, but dating/marrying your siblings Ex is weird AF and remarkably insensitive. Your sister, ex, and parents are big AH for doing and being okay with this. And your sister is a MEGA asshole for the comment about your baby, I am so sorry for your loss.
But getting drunk and storming the castle in a rage was a stupid idea at best. You may feel justified in your behavior, but that doesn't mean the intention wasn't to antagonize and traumatize others.
To be honest this family sounds like a toxic nightmare.
I’m having a hard time buying some parts of this and it just feels like stretched details to help justify what she decided to do. End of the day the whole family seems like a disaster.
That’s the *entire* problem with this subreddit. Every post. There’s multiple sides to every story but we only get the one.
The other problem is people can’t seem to seperate being an asshole with justification. Yes they treated terribly by the sister, yes it might be considered even payback but you’re still an asshole for doing it
Yeah like what the hell did op say that elicited the sister's statement about her baby dying? Not trying to victim-blame but I'm guessing she went pretty vicious and cut deep for that to come out. She's quoting the sister but vaguely summarizing her own intentions/words.
When someone says something that cutting, you’ll remember the exact words forever. At least, I do.
I'm going NTA because even though I see the reason for the E S H judgement, I don't consider people not having ideal reactions in less than ideal situations to be assholes, and this situation is a shit show.
OP was went through a severely traumatizing event that led to the break up of a relationship that lasted half her life. On top of that, her sister used this situation, intentionally or not, to develop a relationship with the ex. Its just incredibly fucked up and I would expect OP to have a fucked up emotional reaction when she has been betrayed by almost everybody that she loved.
OP made a scene fueled by pure emotion, but didn't break anything or hurt anyone. She is seeking help because she realizes she needs it because she can't keep reacting like this. I don't consider this AH behavior. I don't consider it a reasonable to expect most people would have a cool and collected reaction to all of this.
yep totally agree. she’s literally seeking help from a professional so as to find a way to deal with this and move forward. that shows a ton of maturity on her part imo.
The part where I had to scroll past 10 comments saying NTA when sorting by "Top" says a lot about this sub.
Are people seriously claiming what she did wasn't an asshole thing to do? Justified? I can get why people feel that. Assholeish? Absolutely. The people claiming OP wasn't an asshole just has no grip on reality.
Had to scroll down way too far to find the ESH comment.
Sorted by controversial to find this. ESH!
NTA. Oh my god. The toxicity of your family is unbelievable. I am so sorry that all happened to you.
Get away from these people and look after your own mental health. Please get some professional counseling and work through what has to be some serious emotional stress. You deserve to be happy, so please cut these people out and find your own 'family' who will be loving and supportive.
Good luck to you.
Id sell that ring and pawn it, spend the money on a plane ticket to any-fucking-where and build a new life somewhere far away.
Same here. I also would of sent a huge fuck you text to everyone, shattered my phone, bought a plane ticket to Dubai and stay there.
I'm going with NTA because that's just messed up. He comes to therapy with you but have sex with your sister and your sister just magically gets pregnant during the short time they're together and thinks about her happiness when it comes to your miscarriage.
If I were you, I wouldn't go the wedding and I would cut all contact with the family for a long time. Sending you an invitation for the wedding like that was rude and so thoughtless.
You should go back to therapy and get some help to deal with all of that.
NTA. For countless reasons they are: ex dating a sibling and not telling you, saying your miscarriage was part of their plan(!), throwing a party before ironing everything out to celebrate with family, etc.
You have every right to be upset and the only reason I would say YTA in any way is going nuclear on the party. That could have been done behind closed doors, but it also seemed they were perfectly content living life pretending you weren't even there.
Edit: Changing this to NTA from a very minimal ESH after reading others and changing my mind. I think nuclear probably was the way to go. I hope you find peace in your pain and I am so sorry!
I do feel awful about barging in, thank you for your honesty
You feel awful cause you’re a decent person.
I would have exploded.
I mean they betrayed you in such an evil fucked up way. They gaslit you like this is normal. It’s not.
You were justified.
I’d cut them off, not return the ring and even move, change address just start over and pretend they all died in an airplane crash.
That’s how fucked up they are.
What your sister said about your miscarriage just seals it perfectly. She’s evil.
If you decide to have kids they will never have to deal with them. Your “family” have ruined any chance of seeing your future self.
They’ll always be vile and you will continue being brilliant and evolving as you heal and help yourself xxx
> I’d cut them off, not return the ring and even move, change address just start over and pretend they all died in an airplane crash.
And change your name.
Mom, Dad, sis, and ex could never be part of my life again. If I even acknowledged the, it would be as very distant acquaintances.
I hope you see I changed my view and agree that any bit of anger is justified. I just know that those type of situations tend to end up either in reconciliation or no contact and it seems like it will be your choice because everyone else is content leaving you behind in your feelings and in general. Nobody here knows your family dynamics outside of 2 paragraphs you've given, so take advice with a grain of salt. If you care about keeping your family, you will have to open some painful wounds in ways that can be received as well as possible by everyone. I mean, is the goal just to ignore the situation forever?!
I have been part of a family that has not talked to each other in a long time and it is hard. That is why I responded intiially the way I did. You deserve much better and it seems like the situation where if someone will be the bigger person, it gets to be you. Take pride in that and know you can dictate this how you want it to go.
You feel awful because you’re a good person with a conscience. Has your ex or any of your family even tried to make amends? So don’t blame yourself for having a human reaction. I wish you didn’t even apologise, they don’t deserve it. Cut them all off.
>my sister told me maybe my baby died for a reason so she could get her happy ending.
I truly hope you find the healing you need and deserve.
That sentence alone is scorched earth enducing. How could someone say that to someone that they like let alone love?
NTA. Your family, the very people who are supposed to support you in dark times of your life, betrayed you by keeping this relationship between your ex fiancee and your sister hidden from you. The group of friends that were in on this secret betrayed you as well. As hard as it might be, I'd minimize or cut-off contact with the family and drop the group of friends in the know like a brick. I would never be able to trust them ever again.
The drunk outburst isn't the best thing you could have done, but who could really blame you? Who wouldn't have a mental breakdown after finding out such a massive betrayal? You got your frustration off your chest by giving/sticking it to them and you even feel regret doing this. The regret shows your head is pretty straight on your body, but for them to call you names and stating you are ruining the prospect of their wedding is utter BS: actions have consequences and your drunk outburst was simply a consequence of their despicable behavior. If that ruins their wedding prospects: not your problem.
NTA. Take solace in the fact that their marriage is probably going to suck, both because of this and because they both seem trashy and prone to drama considering they even got involved with each other.
The marriage is also going to suck because they're not marrying for "love", they're marrying for the sake of the baby and that rarely ever ends well.
And the bf actually ditched the sister to get back with OP, who then saw the light and got rid of him.
The sister is the consolation prize, and I bet deep down, she knows it.
Yep, you can guarantee that the sister will be looking over her shoulder because he'll want to go crawling back to OP.
If I were OP I'd keep that ring and wear it to every family reunion to remind Sis that she's second choice.
And the ex is going to spend the rest of his life reassuring that woman, which already sounds like more effort than he's capable of giving.
Allright I'm bracing for the downvotes.
YTA. Does it suck that your ex and the father of a child you miscarried ended up in a relationship with your sister? Yes. Absolutely it does. Do you have to interact with your sister and ex on a regular basis to save face and be nice? No. You don't. Feel free not to attend any event/gathering they may be at. Is it shitty of them to invite you to the wedding when they know you are still hurt by their relationship? Who knows, maybe they thought they'd try to save the sister relationship if they could, but you are well within your right to deny/ignore/drink yourself into a stupor because of the invitation.
Do you have the right to crash a party your parents were holding in celebration of your sister's engagement, give a fuck you speech to the couple that's harsh enough to send your sister into hysterics? No. Absolutely not. Your heart is broke and that sucks for you, but that does not give you the right to go out of your way to ruin your sister's life, parties, wedding, anything else because she fell in love with your ex.
So ya, I know, unpopular opinion. But absolutely YTA
Man I had to scroll far to find this. Shocked how no one can see this. Everyone focused on the shit thing sister said AFTER she got drunk and gave a “fuck you” speech, making her sister cry. Yes it was horrible to say, but doesn’t absolve her behaviour before she said it.
I’m not surprised at all. Most folks here don’t go out enough to realize how insane and inappropriate behavior like this is. To them this is cool behavior like one might see in a TV show and justified (even though nobody cheated and it’s pretty toxic to act like one can dictate another person’s relationships after breaking up with him…). And to be sure, it’s a frustrating and odd family dynamic, too. But that’s too bad and it certainly isn’t cheating or anything like it.
Plus, if you ruin someone else’s wedding, especially your sister’s and without having any standing to do so, don’t be surprised when they respond with fangs out. OP is an AH.
Oh well. OP can feel happy for making such a scene all she wants. Those feelings will soon and surely be drowned out by intense shame, insecurity, and frustration.
Yes, I literally had to scroll to controversial to find someone who agreed with me. Op is the AH for overreacting, intruding a party, and making her sister cry. That was way over the top. Yes, it hurts, but that still gives you no right to do thay
same here. i had to sort by controversial to find my people. OP is an immature child telling embellished stories on reddit for sympathy and validation. 1) OP dumped the guy. he and her sister can do whatever the fuck they want
2) she should have given back the ring when she dumped him
3) it's clear from OP's writing that their main problem is with their locus of control. Nothing is ever OP's fault...even dumping her bf who then got with someone else! it was the fault of the miscarriage, right? except MANY couples survive miscarriages EVERY FUCKING DAY. OP is a whiny child who can't take responsibility so whines to a therapist and reddit for validation.
And when she loses control and behaves poorly it’s “the alcohol’s fault.” Even the therapist needs to be sure to get back to her ASAP or she’ll turn to the bottle. Dramatics all around.
I had 3 miscarriages while also struggling with years of infertility. I managed to handle it without becoming an alcoholic, mistreating just husband and becoming an asshole to people.
It’s crazy that everyone is saying NTA. If you split up with someone, you have no right whatsoever to have a say in who they date.
The sister should have not dated the ex, that’s shitty. The ex should have not slept with the sister, that’s weird. Still, OP has no say in their relationship. If you wanted him, you should have kept him. The moment you separate, you lose your say. Trying to be separated but keep control in manipulative, abusive behavior from OP.
Message for OP: if everything you say is true, your family has shown you their true colors. They don’t take you into consideration. You need to cut them out. You need to get help and heal. Maybe, after years of healing, you can rebuild some sort of relationship.
Cutting your family out of your life in insanely hard. I speak from experience. I cut mine out over a decade ago. It sucks. BUT, I’m a much stronger and happier person for it. (Edit: years later, I have rebuilt a different relationship with my family. One with more respect for myself.)
YTA. You need to cut them off, and remove yourself from their life.
I agree, they were separated for a year, sucks it was with her sister; but it's ridiculous to expect him not to date for a year. I also agree, the wedding invite might've been an olive branch; and while she doesn't regret cutting everyone off now, in a few years time she'll probably want a relationship with her sister again
Good lord, I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable response. Well put.
NTA - they deserved it for their absolutely vile behaviour.
And when they inevitably divorce, OP can gloat all she wants.
I hope that happens ASAP.
Probably won't take too long. I mean, he practically cheated on OP with her sister, what makes her sister think he's going to stay faithful to her?
As the saying goes when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
He also pretty much cheated on the sister, when he got back together with OP. Despicable in my opinion.
Dude can't stay faithful to anyone to save his life. I'd be surprised if this marriage lasts until the baby's birth. Plus its not like he's in love with her, he's marrying her because he got her knocked up.
Give it time, I wouldn't be surprised if he came crawling back to OP soon enough. Hope OP tells him to pound sand.
Being the petty, shit-stirring bag of assholes I am, I hope OP records it, sends it to her sister, then drops both of them like the hot garbage they are.
Don't give back the ring! Use it to pay for therapy or buy yourself something that will make you happy. NTA and I am so sorry for your loss and your toxic family.
I agree. Do not return the ring. NTA at all.
A vacation! I think OP should use the ring money to go somewhere nice while the family is celebrating the terrible people in her life.
ESH. This is a whole mess that came out of one very tragic event. But seriously, the levels of suck here are innumerable.
1. Your ex and sister suck for not telling you that they had gotten together while you and ex were separated.
2. Your ex sucks more for DUMPING your sister to go back to you when he obviously had fallen out of love with you and still had feelings for her (that was disrespectful to BOTH your sister AND you as it played with BOTH your feelings and making him, perhaps the BIGGEST AH for that reason alone)
3. Your family and friends suck, AGAIN, for NOT telling you what was going on and allowing you to think you had a chance of working things out with your ex even though he was with your sister.
4. Your sister sucks for her comment about your tragedy being fate so she could have her "happy ending"
5. Your parents suck for not calling her out on that HORRENDOUS comment
6. You suck for getting drunk and crashing the event for the sole purpose of being revenge and verbal backlashing, not just your sister and ex, but everyone else at the party, as well as saying you are glad you ruined it. And I am betting that any good feelings you got from that expulsion of feelings towards everyone was VERY short lived.
All of you suck in one form or another. And it sounds like you all need therapy.
This one says it best for me. Definitely an ESH with the drunken fiasco. Though much milder one on OP.
I was originally going to go with E S H cos everyone sounds petty & immature AF, but your sister’s comment pushes this into NTA territory.
You acted poorly by giving a drunken “fuck all of you” speech, but given the soap opera-level dramatic history involved I really can’t blame you for reaching your limit. Being told that “maybe it’s a good thing your baby died so that I could get my happy ending” is just the cherry on top of this shit sundae. You are more than justified in cutting them all out like cancer to focus on your own life & happiness.
I would be in jail if either of my sisters did this shit to me. Having a drunken "fuck all of you" speech was absolutely tame for what this toxic group of liars really deserved.
NTA. it’s probably time to go no contact with your family since they cannot seem to understand your ex seems to have basically cheated on you with your sister and no one in your family seems to care.
This says far more about your sister then anyone else, even your boyfriend. He was vulnerable, lost a child and your sister took it upon herself to ingratiate herself with your boyfriend. Took advantage of his vulnerable state and allowed boundaries to be crossed. Her comment about the baby says even more.
is she a person that tends to take and do what she wants? Golden child? Because these are actions that speak to someone who was only thinking of themselves. Chances are she didn’t think it through but this does give the impression she got everything she wanted
This was my thought...also wondered if she had been jealous or lusting after the bf and saw her opportunity to swoop on. This is more on your sister and parents than the bf. They took advantage of his and OPs vulnerability.
ESH. Sorry but their relationship formed *while you and he were not together*. Since - by your own admission - the break-up was mutual (because no, there is no such thing as a "break", just a break-up) you don't get to be mad that he found someone else and then get drunk and throw a fit. You would've been fine to just not go to the wedding, but getting drunk and making a big scene puts you firmly in "asshole" territory. That said, her comment about your miscarriage means she's also enough of an AH to say that you both suck. Also, seek help for your alcohol use. Turning to the bottle when upset is a fast way to become an alcoholic.
edited due to missing a line in my first readthrough
I'm surprised by all the NTA's. The guy didn't cheat as him and OP broke up. The sister is a major major asshole for what she said....but OP shouldn't have shown up drunk and ruined the whole thing for them. All it did was add more fuel to the fire.
ESH. They absolutely deserved your outburst. You shouldn’t have done it and it does make you a tiny bit of an AH *in that moment*. Your sister and your ex have been the AHs for months now, though. I’m sorry for the loss of your baby.
You did nothing wrong, your sister doesn't deserve a happy ending.
She stole your fiancé, who you had been dating for literally your whole adult life, while you were trying to process a miscarriage, and on a temporary break, what kind of person does this?!
And then to send you an invite?!?!? Wtf did she think your reaction would be?
Oh, karma usually has a fun way of biting the ass of people like this. I'm sure the ending won't be so happy
NTA Jesus Christ, what a nightmare. I'm so sorry they are doing this to you OP.
NTA. Ultimately enjoy that you had a dramatic moment AND continue to keep all of them out of your life.
Especially the sister. But parents too.
The biggest issues:
1. He was supposedly BACK with you but sister agreed to private conversations about your relationship (this is a betrayal)
2. He and sister then proceeded to betray you physically
3. You only found out because you looked - they never came, apologized, etc (7nless I missed that)
4. She said an incredibly disgusting thing about your pain and tried to make it about her happiness. This is sick. She is sick.
This must hurt so desperately. I would suggest that you keep the ring to sell so that therapy is affordable. And then move on, love yourself, know that you deserve better humans in your life, and live well.
BTW: "the heart wants what the heart wants" is generally a way to say that cheating is OK. Hope your sister feels that way if it happens to her (and no, I don't wish it on anyone.)
NTA - wow...you don't need enemies when you have family like this
NTA for reacting the way you did but YTA for how and where you decided to air your grievances. Your family is awful btw.
NTA at all. What you did was immature, out of anger, not helpful to the situation as a whole, and normally, even though they wronged you, I'd vote soft you TA for your reaction. However, this was such a horrendous betrayal, I think they had it coming and 100% deserved your outburst. They deserve to have their wedding ruined, your reaction is totally justified and understandable, throw away any guilt you may feel and I hope you have some relief for being able to confront these horrible people.
NTA. Holy shit. Your sister is so mean. I would NEVER fuck anyone my sister did.
I'm glad that you're not tied for life to a scoundrel who would fuck his giving partner's sister.
Girl engagement rings were conceived as insurance that your ex would not run off and do exactly what he did. That's your ring, sell it and book a sweet vacation during their wedding week.
If they complain that you said you'd give it back, say "sucks when people go back on their word, huh?" Sometimes bitter and pissed is exactly the right way to be, lol.
NTA but your family and ex are. Of all the women in the world he HAD to date your sister? No excuse for any of your families behavior or hiding it from you. If you decide to keep any of them in your life I’d still keep some distance, especially from your sister, who said your baby died for a reason.
ESH (with a mostly N-T-A), and your sister wins the prize of being the worst asshole with her comment about your miscarriage.
I would seriously go no or very low contact with all of them for awhile. This whole thing sounds toxic AF.
And while I admire your strength and fortitude, that probably wasn’t the best way to handling the situation. It’s hard to be the bigger person when it feels like someone has simultaneously stabbed you in the back and in your heart. And in this case it probably feels like a betrayal by your entire family.
Best of luck in healing and moving on. You deserve better than this train wreck.
People may hate me for this but ESH. They shouldn’t have done the shit they did and obviously your sister shouldn’t have said that to you but you don’t get the right to snoop through someone’s phone like Invasion Of Privacy is a thing you know and maybe you shouldn’t have gotten drunk and did that shit so it’s kind of equal and I see people saying NTA But snooping is not ok so IMO ESH
NTA. you went pretty far but i think you had enough reason to be upset about the situation.
You absolutely suck the least, but you know you made a bad choice and it was pretty sucky. I can't say I would've made any better choices though. It's a very understandable move.
I'm so glad you have a therapist you trust and can go to right now.
Side note: I wouldn't return the ring. I would sell it and go on a nice vacation while they're getting married.