T O P

I quoted Robert California in a job interview yesterday and got offered the job today.

I quoted Robert California in a job interview yesterday and got offered the job today.

revnasty

Now that you’ve got the job, you must walk into the office, take one look around, leave and drive to headquarters to convince the CEO to give their job to you.


thisissaliva

“He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO… *moves head to the center of the camera* …C-E-O! Her own job! He talked her out of her own job! And I don't really know how someone does that.” One of my favourite talking heads in the show.


warm_tomatoes

Definitely the best way to introduce such an abrupt change. We don’t need to see it happen, we need the straight man to tell us it happened and confirm for us that it was indeed weird af even in the zany context of the show.


SuperDuperTurtle

I mean I think Oscar could have delivered the news too.


deeppanalbumpartyguy

of course he could, oscar is the straightest man in the office


ToiletTub

*in Oscar straight guy voice* Wazzuuuuppp!


Madertheinvader

Better than his country voice... *shudder*


NickFigaro

We're running low on greenbacks


Ok_Question1684

To pay for the seeds and the dirt.


CeeKai

"Michael." then continues on as normal Lol


AnatoliaFarStar

WECANTPAYYYUM


trtreeetr

"Plantation"


vybisgone

My god I can hear him.. plaayynntayyshuunnn


iFlyskyguy

I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.


tompsitompsito

You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.


AskMeForFunnyVoices

Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about him.


Briguy24

That's because he doesn't wear women's clothing.


NOCONTROL1678

Actually, Oscar is much more disgruntled with the company and it would come off as such. Jim is simply amused and awed by what happened.


iFlyskyguy

DMI: Dummies, morons, and idiots


ajfoxxx

No, no one here is disgruntled. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.


readwiteandblu

Of course MY move would have been to ignore the offer until they confirmed whether personal calls were on the honor system.


OsamaBinnDabbin

Man I wish Robert California would've been around longer, he was perfect


Snappleabble

He is the only reason I stick around after Michael leaves. Once Robert California leaves I usually get bored and stop watching or maybe skip to the last episode


shamelessluke

What? You don't like the arc with the boom operator? Thats like the best part of the whole show! Obvious /s


neogeo828

I liked Robert California, but preferred Jo.


ssoass7

Ugh, why did they add coconut? I miss original.


sl_1138

I wish we could have seen that interaction. It must have been fascinating and hilarious. Someone as powerfully charismatic as Jo just deciding, "Ya know what, hon? Yer right. The job's yers. Just don't listen to anything that Schrute guy says. He's even weirder than my second husband."


TonyOpal

Came here to say this…


drthvdrsfthr

i also have nothing to add


Dunaliella

Oh, your comment is even more beautiful than the gloves!


skillplant

"They Never Have Improved On The Oreo, Have They?"


Flabnoodles

[No they have not](https://youtu.be/CMkYw4dp_NI)


[deleted]

[удалено]


psnpeepeebottoms

Why use words when upvote?


TheOldestMillenial1

I hope you gave the nature metaphor and not the sexual one.


Presidentsent

Nature, of course. When two animals are having sex...


Mjb06

This isn’t very helpful. You’re gonna wanna hear the sexual metaphor.


kreebeerk

That wasn’t the sexual one?????


OgreLord_Shrek

All life is sex.


RRRydog

That wasn’t so perverted now was it


We-re_Gonna_Do_Great

That’s the line that always got me. He definitely understood how uncomfortable his perversion made people, but he chose to use it as his ammunition anyway.


RRRydog

You don’t even know his real name.


TheBQT

He's the fucking Lizard King


readwiteandblu

And as we find out later, that was actually true.


Mastertexan1

Women are both seasonal and cyclical


toadwizard15

What _are_ the 3 pillars of retail?


shady-lampshade

Ingredients, burgers, killing royalty


Greendale7HumanBeing

I don't know, but the four types of business are tourism, food service, railroads, and sales.


The_Gear

And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.


ambergirl9860

*Todd Packer nods in agreement*


IamDoneMakingNewAcco

Ever notice you can only ooze two things?


scottsmith7

Oh God, the nature, please!!


[deleted]

When two animals are having sex...


Eulielee

“Tell us about your weaknesses.” “Weakness I don’t have a weakness. You don’t even know my real name.”


Big-Sir-60484

I’m the Fucking lizard king


PM_ME_IF_YOU_NASTY

This is a much better line for a job interview.


EarnestQuestion

Do I look like someone who would deliberately waste my own time?


Ben_Nickson1991

He was probably Raymond Reddington.


LCOSPARELT1

OP explained to the employer that sex is the only universal truth. That works every time.


Mentor_Bob_Kazamakis

Here’s what it is -- it’s a doodle. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses ... penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are *always* circumcised, don’t you think?


kid-karma

you could tell the writers had a lot of fun with his dialogue. like they suddenly had a character who didn't speak like anyone else on the show and they were allowed to flex entirely different muscles


Lionland

Spader has a fantastic way with words


EarnestQuestion

Did you just move my name to the other column?


Hippster29

May as well have been sketching a cube.


hallese

And it's such a true observation, too!


Ntlindesq

I’m assuming the quote was “There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex.” Proven to work in job interviews


DungeonFam30

Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a uni*ver*sal truth..Toby?


heckem

^(y-yes...)


Positiveaz

Haha! The look on Toby's face after that is simply unreal.


sharksnrec

Thank you for italicizing the middle of the word for the emphasis


PrvtPirate

that made all the difference in hearing robert californias voice in my head!


feodo

*Robert looking at Toby* "now i presume this is the guy that does all the fucking,correct?" Toby: "thank you"


MagentaHawk

This guy fucks!


ksed_313

Those applying for work in public schools should maybe not use this quote in an interview. There’s a 99% chance that it would not have a good outcome.


Mentor_Bob_Kazamakis

Can everyone just ... please! I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – ^(how should I say this) – Columbian whites.


BlasterShow

*Fired guy nod*


purple-ube

Omg is he talking about cocaine??


kingsj3st3r

Yes


nr1988

Don't worry it took me at least 5 rewatches to realize that he was talking about cocaine and it wasn't just a joke I didn't understand about the quality of Columbian wines


GingerSlice0

I always assumed he was talking about prostitutes. Cocaine makes much more sense.


spektrol

Colombian*


monthtomonth

For those asking I quoted a couple of parts from his interview, one of which was 'there is no such thing as a product' didn't follow it up with there is only sex, I was hoping for a second round interview where I could drop that in. I also paraphrased his whole bit about employees feeling heard, that they have a voice and not to be flattened by the steamroller which they absolutely ate up! It was for a role that is basically all about confidence so essentially just channelled his essence in a less creepy way. And don't worry, in my first meeting I'm absolutely going to ask my colleagues if they have any remarkable erections they'd like to share. To address further questions, the erection comment was a reference to a further Robert meeting, I don’t think I’ll actually do that. And yes I believe this now makes me de-facto “the fucking Lizard Queen!”


pawelk1993

Please let them choose between nature metaphor and sexual metaphor


monthtomonth

Okay but the nature metaphor isn't very helpful.


SuperJobGuys

Lmao. Are you hiring?


BlasterShow

Gotta get thru Gabewad first.


[deleted]

You mean the flush?


polydorr

You're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.


SprittneyBeers

*fluuuush*


Lionbutter

Name kinda checks out


SprittneyBeers

Did anyone know you were referencing Robby C.?


BroseppeVerdi

Well, you don't seem like the kind of person who would waste their own time.


ChipotleBanana

Badass. Robert California is one of the most puzzling and intimidating harmless fictional characters I know. Always wanted to play this kind of confidence in situation where it wouldn't be perceived as overly ridiculous.


JohnGilbonny

The genius of Robert California is that he is overly ridiculous at all times.


polydorr

It really was just cookies all along, wasn't it?


JohnGilbonny

Those minutes when Robert thought Kevin was brilliant were sublime.


sai_here

Isn't there a theory that Kevin infact is actually a genius ?


PrvtPirate

i bet you 10000:1 there is!


tuesburg

If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar…


nr1988

>harmless There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.


DarrenODaly

He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him


EthelMaePotterMertz

He trained as a geisha you know.


literatebirdlawyer

also we should kill him


RainyMcBrainy

I manage about 20 people where I work. I had an employee describe me as a "female Robert California minus the creepy." I like Robert California as a character. As a real person he'd be kind of a scumbag. So not sure how I feel about the comparison.


MekkaGodzilla

They meant that you ooze confidence, in a good way…


RainyMcBrainy

At least it's not pus.


Zaptagious

It kind of makes sense if you picture him as Raymond Reddington moonlighting his position at Dunder Mifflin.


bigmulk21

If your wife tries to get a job there are you going to try to stop it from happening?


traced_169

under NO circumstance is she to be allowed to work here. *later* I gave you a very simple task. It couldn't be any clearer!


4Ever2Thee

Did you start off the interview by telling them that last night you got into a case of Australian reds and, how do I put this... Colombian whites?


pudinnhead

Ah, the ol' One Man Saturnalia!


lostinorion

Tbh it’s a good thing that you couldn’t drop in the sex part. I feel like that would’ve lost you the job altogether. But uh, good luck on that erection thing.


MadameBlueJay

I was hoping that you accused the interviewer of being a soft-penised debutante.


BhutlahBrohan

you really wanna be introduced to HR early, huh?


superunsubtle

Well not if it’s Toby.


hallese

OP can't be reprimanded if he hasn't been to HR's welcome aboard meeting yet. It's actually a very smart move! (that was /s, it's not a very smart move, folks)


mrsringo

I’m sure the manager of Chick-fil-A was blown away. Jk congrats on the new adventure Mr. California!


dirt410

Do you prefer coconut or original?


SheriffHeckTate

>And don't worry, in my first meeting I'm absolutely going to ask my colleagues if they have any remarkable erections they'd like to share. I'm going to assume this is a joke, but just in case....dont do that. Unless you now work for whoever makes Viagra or something.


unonamas

Isn’t it Pfizer, same people making the vaccine. Lol


Mr_Epimetheus

Oh really? That would explain the side effects I had...


Greendale7HumanBeing

Fun fact, the boners WERE originally side effects. They were working on medications meant to relieve chest pain by altering circulation around the heart. Well, it did alter blood circulation.... Perhaps Dwight was standing by some of the trial participants: "I noticed that your pupils dilated, your skin flushed, and I'm assuming blood rushed to your penis."


readwiteandblu

Imagine being in the meeting where someone said, "It doesn't do what we wanted it to, but...."


[deleted]

You're the fucking Lizard King


violetladyjane

You have 100% made my day


TheRynoceros

"I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante." Works every time.


INeverPutMyRealName

I’m the mother fucking lizard king


UsernameContains69

You want to start a street fight with me? Bring it on. You're going to be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the fucking Lizard King


TanAllOvaJanAllOva

I’m guessing it was, “you don’t even know my real name. I’m the fucking Lizard King”


HairyButtTweezer

Tell me a little bit about yourself


yomomo91

Thank god you’re going to be helping those poor European gymnasts


Mentor_Bob_Kazamakis

Mentoring.


stonec0ld

Talk about relevant username


washington_breadstix

They've lost so many years perfecting muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.


Opsknight

In a deleted scene RC tells Jim and Pam he loves their relationship and asks if he can join it. Jim is appalled but Pam seems down. Funny af.


arieljoc

Never saw this so did a search. So good! Link for anyone like me that hadn’t seen it yet: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/DunderMifflin/comments/hvmlxy/deleted_scenes_of_robert_california_trying_to/


hallese

"Without the underlying power dynamic, I'm just a guy fucking two parents." Vintage Lizard King.


JohnGilbonny

The resolution was that >!Since Robert was no longer boss, it was no longer exciting for him, since the dynamic was gone!<


LePure

Uuuuh.... how did you end up posting an amp link to reddit, when we're on reddit?


arieljoc

Lol I googled the scene and clicked on the Reddit result, and idk why but I always click stay on webpage instead of opening app so i just copy and pasted (I’m on mobile)


AskWhyOceanIsSalty

And most importantly, why?


pepesilvia_esq

This would’ve been so good in the show


Greendale7HumanBeing

omg "we need the icosahedron die from it, 20 sides..... just enough." edit: icosahedron


nvPilot

Fast forward to one year from now when your subordinates are circulating an email that reads "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him".


shady-lampshade

I bet his favorite songs are Creep by TLC and Creep by Radiohead.


nr1988

There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.


tsweeney12584

P.S. I think we should kill him.


astralnautical

“The.. pregnant pause as they await my reply. And then, inevitably; my reply.”


shgodscommadynasty

This is the quote I was looking for


mojorisiin

Are you going to be selling deep sea drilling equipment?


Mentor_Bob_Kazamakis

Does it matter if it's 100 million dollars of deep sea mining equipment or $100 of paper?


mojorisiin

There is no such thing as a product. There is only sex. Everything is sex.


xenoman101

My favorite Robert California quote: “Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner, if I didn't I don't, but I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers prove me wrong.”


ollieseven

This was surprisingly motivating.


RockyDify

Good work lizard king


scottsmith7

“It’s been ten days since I’ve had sexual intercourse”. Weird flex but OK.


intentionallybad

Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves.


44tacocat44

Was this the quote? "I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante. You want to start a street fight with me bring it on but you will be surprised by how ugly it gets, you don't even know my real name- I'm the fucking lizard king."


drwho82

What did you quote?


BadAssachusetts

“Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?”


ny_nj_pyro

So what was the quote you used? Share your brilliance with the collective


razorramonheyyo

Too late, I've already figured you out


ConwayTheCat

May as well have been sketching a cube!


Mark7A

I set up a fake interview at a hospital I worked at. The boss and I were in on it, the other two interviewers were not. I had the "applicant" pull a Ray Romano and open up a paper bag and start eating a PB&J sandwich.


therankin

I don't know why so many people love that guy


numbernumber99

You do, too. What do you not understand about "everybody"?


whatismyaccountname8

I have a job interview on Monday. Dream position. This is the energy I need!


Cheesebufer

Did you use an animal story or a sex story?


fizzletrix

Have 2 interviews today, nothing big but I will try this for sure.


kamlee22

Congrats and just know that you are NOT some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante.


TheBossMan5000

Do I look like somebody who would waste their own time?


ifeelhome

Was hoping for “I’m the fucking lizard king.”


murkurium

Interviewer: "If you could be an animal what would you be?" You: "I am the fucking Lizard King"


EdgarAllanRoevWade

When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. She walked to the nursery and there in baby's crib was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward the baby, for they were mummies. Amongst them was a man, tall, slim. Almost instinctively she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night they slept one inch farther apart until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in an imaginary world. She had quit the book club, the choir, saying something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't another part of her face hardened until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you ok?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to Mother and said, "I'm fine Bitch. I'm fine."


The_Real_Raw_Gary

The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause… while they wait to hear my response, and then… my response.


_Hank_Scorpio

Jokes on you. They don’t even know your real name.


00Scotchmonkey

say your f*cking lizard king 👑🦎


PapaDeer

I love me some RC. Grats on the job


STANAGs

You’re the fucking lizard king


lampsockfish

I’m a teacher and for the last few weeks I’ve been working with an agency TA who loves the office as much as I do. We’ve started a little competition of dropping office references into lessons and staff meetings. I’m interviewing him on Monday for a permanent job. I’m genuinely excited to see if he’s brave enough to go for references in the interview.


stizzy99

What was the quote??


Orphan_of_Kos84

What did you quote?


GingerFly

Please tell me you didn't go on a spiel about how all life is sex.


StroX_C137

They must have been desperate


Bossmandude123

Did you say "I'm the fucking lizard king"


silvioddante

Welcome to the Starbucks family hotshot


gleamings

“Don’t try to figure me out” “I just did. It’s done”


RaeGunnz

Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves...


Medical-Examination

Badass. Robert California is one of my faves.


tommythompson1976

I assume you didn't start eating a sandwich in the middle of the interview?


snifflesquad

Did you use a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?


ravenbisson

Not necessarily out of context,but once i was in charge of interviews, one of the candidate said that he really wanted to work for us etc. No one else said that. He was one of the best hire i did.


UserWorth30Cents

I really hope it was "I'm the fucking lizard king".


Lemonjello23

Interviewer: So tell me about yourself? OP: *IM THE FUCKING LIZARD KING*


SPONGEBOB_IS_MY_DAD

You don’t even know my real name, I’m the fucking lizard king.


Efp722

RC is probably my 2nd favorite character. He is just a gold mine of good shit.


Greendale7HumanBeing

Did the other guy keep going on about getting to the Finger Lakes later?


ksed_313

I walked into my principal’s office to turn in some end-of-year paperwork the other day, and she was surrounded by dozens of piles of various forms she needed to get signed by the end of the day. I said “Wow. Sometimes it all just falls on the same day, huh? I call it The Perfect Storm.” But there weren’t any pretzels.


Cheesehacker

Interviewer: Hi nice to meet you u/monthtomonth OP: I am the fucking lizard king.