I quoted Robert California in a job interview yesterday and got offered the job today.
By - monthtomonth
Now that you’ve got the job, you must walk into the office, take one look around, leave and drive to headquarters to convince the CEO to give their job to you.
“He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO…
*moves head to the center of the camera*
…C-E-O! Her own job! He talked her out of her own job! And I don't really know how someone does that.”
One of my favourite talking heads in the show.
Definitely the best way to introduce such an abrupt change. We don’t need to see it happen, we need the straight man to tell us it happened and confirm for us that it was indeed weird af even in the zany context of the show.
I mean I think Oscar could have delivered the news too.
of course he could, oscar is the straightest man in the office
*in Oscar straight guy voice* Wazzuuuuppp!
Better than his country voice... *shudder*
We're running low on greenbacks
To pay for the seeds and the dirt.
then continues on as normal Lol
My god I can hear him.. plaayynntayyshuunnn
I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.
You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about him.
That's because he doesn't wear women's clothing.
Actually, Oscar is much more disgruntled with the company and it would come off as such. Jim is simply amused and awed by what happened.
DMI: Dummies, morons, and idiots
No, no one here is disgruntled. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Of course MY move would have been to ignore the offer until they confirmed whether personal calls were on the honor system.
Man I wish Robert California would've been around longer, he was perfect
He is the only reason I stick around after Michael leaves. Once Robert California leaves I usually get bored and stop watching or maybe skip to the last episode
What? You don't like the arc with the boom operator? Thats like the best part of the whole show!
I liked Robert California, but preferred Jo.
Ugh, why did they add coconut? I miss original.
I wish we could have seen that interaction. It must have been fascinating and hilarious. Someone as powerfully charismatic as Jo just deciding, "Ya know what, hon? Yer right. The job's yers. Just don't listen to anything that Schrute guy says. He's even weirder than my second husband."
Came here to say this…
i also have nothing to add
Oh, your comment is even more beautiful than the gloves!
"They Never Have Improved On The Oreo, Have They?"
[No they have not](https://youtu.be/CMkYw4dp_NI)
Why use words when upvote?
I hope you gave the nature metaphor and not the sexual one.
Nature, of course. When two animals are having sex...
This isn’t very helpful. You’re gonna wanna hear the sexual metaphor.
That wasn’t the sexual one?????
All life is sex.
That wasn’t so perverted now was it
That’s the line that always got me. He definitely understood how uncomfortable his perversion made people, but he chose to use it as his ammunition anyway.
You don’t even know his real name.
He's the fucking Lizard King
And as we find out later, that was actually true.
Women are both seasonal and cyclical
What _are_ the 3 pillars of retail?
Ingredients, burgers, killing royalty
I don't know, but the four types of business are tourism, food service, railroads, and sales.
And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.
*Todd Packer nods in agreement*
Ever notice you can only ooze two things?
Oh God, the nature, please!!
When two animals are having sex...
“Tell us about your weaknesses.”
“Weakness I don’t have a weakness. You don’t even know my real name.”
I’m the Fucking lizard king
This is a much better line for a job interview.
Do I look like someone who would deliberately waste my own time?
He was probably Raymond Reddington.
OP explained to the employer that sex is the only universal truth. That works every time.
Here’s what it is -- it’s a doodle.
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses ... penises.
Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are *always* circumcised, don’t you think?
you could tell the writers had a lot of fun with his dialogue. like they suddenly had a character who didn't speak like anyone else on the show and they were allowed to flex entirely different muscles
Spader has a fantastic way with words
Did you just move my name to the other column?
May as well have been sketching a cube.
And it's such a true observation, too!
I’m assuming the quote was “There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex.”
Proven to work in job interviews
Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a uni*ver*sal truth..Toby?
Haha! The look on Toby's face after that is simply unreal.
Thank you for italicizing the middle of the word for the emphasis
that made all the difference in hearing robert californias voice in my head!
*Robert looking at Toby* "now i presume this is the guy that does all the fucking,correct?"
Toby: "thank you"
This guy fucks!
Those applying for work in public schools should maybe not use this quote in an interview. There’s a 99% chance that it would not have a good outcome.
Can everyone just ... please!
I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – ^(how should I say this) – Columbian whites.
*Fired guy nod*
Omg is he talking about cocaine??
Don't worry it took me at least 5 rewatches to realize that he was talking about cocaine and it wasn't just a joke I didn't understand about the quality of Columbian wines
I always assumed he was talking about prostitutes. Cocaine makes much more sense.
For those asking I quoted a couple of parts from his interview, one of which was 'there is no such thing as a product' didn't follow it up with there is only sex, I was hoping for a second round interview where I could drop that in.
I also paraphrased his whole bit about employees feeling heard, that they have a voice and not to be flattened by the steamroller which they absolutely ate up! It was for a role that is basically all about confidence so essentially just channelled his essence in a less creepy way.
And don't worry, in my first meeting I'm absolutely going to ask my colleagues if they have any remarkable erections they'd like to share.
To address further questions, the erection comment was a reference to a further Robert meeting, I don’t think I’ll actually do that.
And yes I believe this now makes me de-facto “the fucking Lizard Queen!”
Please let them choose between nature metaphor and sexual metaphor
Okay but the nature metaphor isn't very helpful.
Lmao. Are you hiring?
Gotta get thru Gabewad first.
You mean the flush?
You're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.
Name kinda checks out
Did anyone know you were referencing Robby C.?
Well, you don't seem like the kind of person who would waste their own time.
Badass. Robert California is one of the most puzzling and intimidating harmless fictional characters I know. Always wanted to play this kind of confidence in situation where it wouldn't be perceived as overly ridiculous.
The genius of Robert California is that he is overly ridiculous at all times.
It really was just cookies all along, wasn't it?
Those minutes when Robert thought Kevin was brilliant were sublime.
Isn't there a theory that Kevin infact is actually a genius ?
i bet you 10000:1 there is!
If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar…
There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.
He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him
He trained as a geisha you know.
also we should kill him
I manage about 20 people where I work. I had an employee describe me as a "female Robert California minus the creepy."
I like Robert California as a character. As a real person he'd be kind of a scumbag. So not sure how I feel about the comparison.
They meant that you ooze confidence, in a good way…
At least it's not pus.
It kind of makes sense if you picture him as Raymond Reddington moonlighting his position at Dunder Mifflin.
If your wife tries to get a job there are you going to try to stop it from happening?
under NO circumstance is she to be allowed to work here.
I gave you a very simple task. It couldn't be any clearer!
Did you start off the interview by telling them that last night you got into a case of Australian reds and, how do I put this... Colombian whites?
Ah, the ol' One Man Saturnalia!
Tbh it’s a good thing that you couldn’t drop in the sex part. I feel like that would’ve lost you the job altogether. But uh, good luck on that erection thing.
I was hoping that you accused the interviewer of being a soft-penised debutante.
you really wanna be introduced to HR early, huh?
Well not if it’s Toby.
OP can't be reprimanded if he hasn't been to HR's welcome aboard meeting yet. It's actually a very smart move! (that was /s, it's not a very smart move, folks)
I’m sure the manager of Chick-fil-A was blown away. Jk congrats on the new adventure Mr. California!
Do you prefer coconut or original?
>And don't worry, in my first meeting I'm absolutely going to ask my colleagues if they have any remarkable erections they'd like to share.
I'm going to assume this is a joke, but just in case....dont do that. Unless you now work for whoever makes Viagra or something.
Isn’t it Pfizer, same people making the vaccine. Lol
Oh really? That would explain the side effects I had...
Fun fact, the boners WERE originally side effects. They were working on medications meant to relieve chest pain by altering circulation around the heart. Well, it did alter blood circulation....
Perhaps Dwight was standing by some of the trial participants: "I noticed that your pupils dilated, your skin flushed, and I'm assuming blood rushed to your penis."
Imagine being in the meeting where someone said, "It doesn't do what we wanted it to, but...."
You're the fucking Lizard King
You have 100% made my day
"I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante."
Works every time.
I’m the mother fucking lizard king
You want to start a street fight with me? Bring it on. You're going to be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the fucking Lizard King
I’m guessing it was, “you don’t even know my real name. I’m the fucking Lizard King”
Tell me a little bit about yourself
Thank god you’re going to be helping those poor European gymnasts
Talk about relevant username
They've lost so many years perfecting muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
In a deleted scene RC tells Jim and Pam he loves their relationship and asks if he can join it. Jim is appalled but Pam seems down. Funny af.
Never saw this so did a search. So good!
Link for anyone like me that hadn’t seen it yet: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/DunderMifflin/comments/hvmlxy/deleted_scenes_of_robert_california_trying_to/
"Without the underlying power dynamic, I'm just a guy fucking two parents."
Vintage Lizard King.
The resolution was that >!Since Robert was no longer boss, it was no longer exciting for him, since the dynamic was gone!<
Uuuuh.... how did you end up posting an amp link to reddit, when we're on reddit?
Lol I googled the scene and clicked on the Reddit result, and idk why but I always click stay on webpage instead of opening app so i just copy and pasted (I’m on mobile)
And most importantly, why?
This would’ve been so good in the show
omg "we need the icosahedron die from it, 20 sides..... just enough."
Fast forward to one year from now when your subordinates are circulating an email that reads "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him".
I bet his favorite songs are Creep by TLC and Creep by Radiohead.
There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.
P.S. I think we should kill him.
“The.. pregnant pause as they await my reply. And then, inevitably; my reply.”
This is the quote I was looking for
Are you going to be selling deep sea drilling equipment?
Does it matter if it's 100 million dollars of deep sea mining equipment or $100 of paper?
There is no such thing as a product. There is only sex. Everything is sex.
My favorite Robert California quote:
“Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner, if I didn't I don't, but I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers prove me wrong.”
This was surprisingly motivating.
Good work lizard king
“It’s been ten days since I’ve had sexual intercourse”. Weird flex but OK.
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves.
Was this the quote?
"I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante. You want to start a street fight with me bring it on but you will be surprised by how ugly it gets, you don't even know my real name- I'm the fucking lizard king."
What did you quote?
“Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?”
So what was the quote you used? Share your brilliance with the collective
Too late, I've already figured you out
May as well have been sketching a cube!
I set up a fake interview at a hospital I worked at. The boss and I were in on it, the other two interviewers were not.
I had the "applicant" pull a Ray Romano and open up a paper bag and start eating a PB&J sandwich.
I don't know why so many people love that guy
You do, too. What do you not understand about "everybody"?
I have a job interview on Monday. Dream position. This is the energy I need!
Did you use an animal story or a sex story?
Have 2 interviews today, nothing big but I will try this for sure.
Congrats and just know that you are NOT some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis'd, debutante.
Do I look like somebody who would waste their own time?
Was hoping for “I’m the fucking lizard king.”
Interviewer: "If you could be an animal what would you be?"
You: "I am the fucking Lizard King"
When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. She walked to the nursery and there in baby's crib was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward the baby, for they were mummies. Amongst them was a man, tall, slim. Almost instinctively she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night they slept one inch farther apart until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in an imaginary world. She had quit the book club, the choir, saying something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't another part of her face hardened until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you ok?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to Mother and said, "I'm fine Bitch. I'm fine."
The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause… while they wait to hear my response, and then… my response.
Jokes on you. They don’t even know your real name.
say your f*cking lizard king 👑🦎
I love me some RC. Grats on the job
You’re the fucking lizard king
I’m a teacher and for the last few weeks I’ve been working with an agency TA who loves the office as much as I do. We’ve started a little competition of dropping office references into lessons and staff meetings. I’m interviewing him on Monday for a permanent job. I’m genuinely excited to see if he’s brave enough to go for references in the interview.
What was the quote??
Please tell me you didn't go on a spiel about how all life is sex.
They must have been desperate
Did you say "I'm the fucking lizard king"
Welcome to the Starbucks family hotshot
“Don’t try to figure me out”
“I just did. It’s done”
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves...
Badass. Robert California is one of my faves.
I assume you didn't start eating a sandwich in the middle of the interview?
Did you use a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Not necessarily out of context,but once i was in charge of interviews, one of the candidate said that he really wanted to work for us etc. No one else said that. He was one of the best hire i did.
I really hope it was "I'm the fucking lizard king".
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself?
OP: *IM THE FUCKING LIZARD KING*
You don’t even know my real name, I’m the fucking lizard king.
RC is probably my 2nd favorite character. He is just a gold mine of good shit.
Did the other guy keep going on about getting to the Finger Lakes later?
I walked into my principal’s office to turn in some end-of-year paperwork the other day, and she was surrounded by dozens of piles of various forms she needed to get signed by the end of the day.
I said “Wow. Sometimes it all just falls on the same day, huh? I call it The Perfect Storm.”
But there weren’t any pretzels.
Interviewer: Hi nice to meet you u/monthtomonth
OP: I am the fucking lizard king.