T O P

When people ask how you're doing and always reply "yeah, I'm alright", but in reality you're not, because you don't know where to begin and the person asking isn't someone you feel close to or they're probably just asking because is the social convention and they don't actually care

When people ask how you're doing and always reply "yeah, I'm alright", but in reality you're not, because you don't know where to begin and the person asking isn't someone you feel close to or they're probably just asking because is the social convention and they don't actually care

Otherwise_Forever364

I had a friend who would always say ‘are you ok Danny’ in a very concerned voice, even though I was fine. It got to the point where I would be ok until I saw her


fluentindothraki

Did she say that to non-Dannys as well?


Otherwise_Forever364

No, it was exclusive to Dannys. If you know any Danny’s tell them to avoid Gillian


fluentindothraki

That's a small mercy. Are you ok now, Danny?


Otherwise_Forever364

I’m fine, please, don’t be concerned


theMooey23

Danny! Are you sure you're OK?


DadLookAtTheTV

Danny are you ok, are you ok, are you ok Danny?


theMooey23

You been hit by a British platitude.....


Otherwise_Forever364

I’ve been hit by a smooth criminal


bakinggaddict

HAHAHAHHA


Jindabyne1

**Danny! What’s wrong with you?**


paolog

You're looking kinda down to me


Jindabyne1

Cause things ain't gettin' over


KingQuagaar

Listen to what I say


paolog

Got to turn around


Otherwise_Forever364

Gillian is that you?


theknightwho

Are you okay Gillian?


Hedgehogosaur

Now I'm worried about you too. Hang in there Danny


Otherwise_Forever364

I’m ok Gillian


Otherwise_Forever364

I’ve been hit by a smooth criminal


Cptn-Cardinal

Shamone


LlamaDrama007

You might wanna avoid Dido too.


SonnyRooney

I knew someone who did something similar, except they went so far as to say it twice. Still only 1 name though, they always said 'Annie are you OK, are you OK Annie?'


nickcardwell

You've been hit by..


SonnyRooney

You've been struck by..


The_Moons_Sideboob

I used to have a colleague say the same words but to the tune of "are you okay Annie" "Danny are you okay? Are you okay, Are you okay Danny?" "Be right" Has always been my go to when I'm not but cba getting into it btw OP


Bakanasharkyblahaj

The only acceptable answer to this is "No, I've been hit by, I've been stung by, a bad punner-man"


Inside-Ostrich2888

This is me right now with my family and friends. I've recently started chatting and talking to them less and less because honestly, I'm trying to listen more and have an opinion on less things as I find I'm talking negatively all the time due to current events. The thing is, my head space is actually quite good, and I've been asked if I'm okay numerous times to which I have replied yes and meant it, I'm just keeping to myself. But it's now getting to the point where if my mum (and 1 of my good friends who knows I've changed my persona somewhat) asks me if I'm okay and tries to make small talk in an awkward way it actually puts me in a bad mood for hours and makes me want to stay away more. I know they care, but I feel as if they care more about how they feel about me than how I actually feel and how I wish to be. I'm not disrespecting anyone, I'm not hurting anyone, I'm working away and I'm good in mental health...but they just can't seem to accept that and leave it be. It's frustrating.


Kousetsu

I really have to point out - sometimes we really can feel like we are okay, and we are not. Sometimes we really are okay and we have to give the people that care about us little jobs to do so they feel better as well! To be fair to everyone around you, a sudden personality change is always concerning. Being asked a question (even if it is getting annoying!) And being in a bad mood for hours would be an indication of poor mental health also. Have you tried speaking to someone impartial? Maybe not a therapist or anything, but at least a doctor or just some informed 3rd party perspective from elsewhere?


Inside-Ostrich2888

I should have included that I have had conversations with those I know are concerned, at the point of delivery they said they are okay with it, I should have also included that I haven't just stopped talking to them, just less, and I've explained my reasons. I've had bad depression before. But I am currently becoming a counsellor and so am in contact with many greats ones for regular conversation whilst learning, they raised similar concerns like you have when I spoke to them about it. When in class with others it's grand, I think I'm just trying to change my environment a little and the people in it, as I've noticed the negative talk more and more and I don't like it and don't feel those in my close circles are helping much. I love these people and respect their opinions on most things, and care about their concerns, but I'm not stubbornly walking around shunning them and falling apart. No drug use, no fall outs, no self destruction. I appreciate how much of this sounds, I would bring it up with any of my friends if they were acting like I am, but honestly I am in a good space currently, things are going well and I have good hope for where I am going, the pandemic and too many people's reactions to it have simply dampened a hope I once had for greater humanity in my life time, not going to happen, but I know I can't change that, only myself, always a work in progress. Thank you for your concern btw, reddit and many of it's caring users has been a very pleasant escape at times, it's nice to see strangers take time to care even at a distance.


Nexius_

Maybe she was making a Michael Jackson joke with Danny instead of Annie


sarahlou613

Yeah, I had one like that. Life was sunny when I got rid of her lol x


ravs1973

U OK hun?


Nykitty123

Xoxo pm me hun All jokes aside, I'll listen to you rant about basically anything OP


paolog

I'd be happy to xoxo pm you if I knew what it meant.


njoshua326

Have a couple virtual kisses and talk to me privately my good friend


cunningham_law

dont want 2 talk about it on redit xxx


BertieBus

Okay hun xx


fizzingwhizbeez

Bing bang bong


igbythecat

I swear I'd just got that song out of my head.


cvnvr

sing sang song


Nehima123

Ding dang dong


eddcunningham

My old manager was pretty good at reading people and if he didn’t buy your stock response to “y’alright?” he’d pull you aside and ask how things really are. Even if you didn’t feel like completely opening up there and then, he’d let you know he was always there if you needed him. Sound bloke.


HullIsNotThatBad

My stock reply to that question is "living the dream mate!", because I know full well that 99% of the time folk don't really want to know all your woes when they ask that question.


pinetreeroad

“Full of the joys of spring” in a monotone voice is my go-to


[deleted]

Do you stay indoors or cross the road to avoid people from 22nd June - 21st March? "How are you Peter? Peter...why are you avoiding me Peter?" "It's the wrong time Fred"


pinetreeroad

Hahaha I wish it was as easy as that! “Why aren’t you talking to me?!” “ASK ME WHEN IT’S SPRING”


ShapeShiftingCats

That made me chuckle. Thanks! Hope you change it as the seasons go...


pinetreeroad

Haha glad to hear it! Actually I have never thought about changing it, how about: “full of the pleasures of summer”?


ShapeShiftingCats

Love it!


nwL_

When people ask me “How are you?” I usually respond “we don’t have time for the full answer” and go off their reaction to that. If they really care, they’ll ask for details.


Actual_Misanthrope

Mine is to sit them down and detail every worry and concern I've ever had so they never ask again


Hookton

Or, if at work, "Ask me in six hours".


Dr_Mann_fann

Not British but mine is just a simple "Im living." Kind of gets the point across.


awoodedglade

That, or “If I was any better, I couldn’t stand it” are my usuals.


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LegoVRS

My standard response when asked that question at work is "well I'm still here...". I'll let the other person decide what that means.


Aurgala

Stealing that.


Rossaboy77

I prefer people telling me how they really feel. And I happily listen knowing it makes them feel better. Fuck the social convention it sucks.


[deleted]

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valkyre09

https://youtu.be/FBaKlwFSDqU


StonkyNugs

I'd rather listen to a person in need than be on time to work anyway fuck it


Makeupanopinion

Agreed! Like when I was working in retail i'd say hey how are you, and then they'd be like good how are you and then walk away before I could even reply.. why bother asking?? But when people say something other than good i'll ask if there is anything. I hate absent listeners so much.


kazzykaz420

I agree, am always happy to listen if someone needs an ear.


stauer88

I have just started telling people how I am actually feeling when they ask this. Not necessarily all the ins and outs, but I feel like I'm on a one woman mission to have people understand that if they ask someone how they are then they should be prepared to get an honest answer!


CongealedBeanKingdom

I did this when I has at the start of a massive mental breakdown and it just made them really uncomfortable, to the point where no one in work spoke to me. Which made the breakdown worse and I had to quit.


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MadeThis2Complain

Not at all. If you are having serious issues you should speak to either a professional or a loved one. Coworkers making small talk most likely lack the time/energy to become your unpaid psychologist


CongealedBeanKingdom

Well then they shouldn't ask. And they knew I wasn't alright, so they should have known better.


njoshua326

Damn good point, see this post a couple times before and it probably makes sense to renounce our British ways and end the constant confusion. Glad quitting worked out for you but I probably agree with another commenter that it may be best to just say that your not having a good day/week and not go super detailed though as most people won't really know how to react properly to something like that


CongealedBeanKingdom

I wasn't going into detail just saying no I'm not alright or quite simply just 'no' was enough to throw them into a confusion of complete awkwardness tother thought that I think they were scared my utter misery was catching. It was rude as fk and really made me worse.


njoshua326

Well then that's just pretty shitty yeah, big difference between being a forced ear for someone and just plain being disrespectful when they know for certain you weren't OK.


CongealedBeanKingdom

I had been withdrawing for months and then had a massive trauma that lead to me being off work for months. They all knew. A couple of them were mint and didn't mind if I fell apart but most of them were completely emotionally stunted. I feel sorry for their kids.


96sheep

I think the contention is that you interpreted that they were asking to hear about your issues. Nobody who ever asks that actually wants us to start listing our problems - it’s just small talk. Small talk is how we gauge and read eachother in new, uncertain, and remote situations, and how we start to build more positive social connections (which may not be intimate ones - they could be professional or transactional connections). People make small talk to maintain regular relationships that aren’t intimate (like work ones), and to gauge whether or not the person they’re talking to is safe/stable/pleasant/polite/friendly/interesting or not. It’s a lifetime of inherited social behaviour that we collectively engage in. So when we trample that social norm by responding to ‘Hi how are you?’ with ‘Not good!’ Terrible!’ ‘Suicidal!’ ‘Coping horribly with my mother’s death!’ ‘Going through a lot of self-hatred right now!’ (I’m being glib, but you get the point), then we’re damaging those relationships by demonstrating that we’re unsafe, unstable, unpleasant, rude, unfriendly, etc. I spent years feeling frustrated with small talk and then I realised that it has a fundamental social role among human beings. Trying to subvert it to have ‘meaningful’ or ‘honest’ conversations with people damages the future possibility of having positive relationships with those people.


stauer88

Then I wouldn't think that the place you were working was doing anything positive for your mental health. Whilst it is shit that you had to quit, it sounds like it may have been for the best.


CongealedBeanKingdom

It was the best thing I've ever done.


NewFolgers

Looks like I've got to think twice before taking this approach. I'm too busy to deal with my real problems.


CongealedBeanKingdom

Are you suggesting that my problems were not real?


NewFolgers

Nope. That's a misreading.


CongealedBeanKingdom

Really? Maybe it's a mis-writing.


NewFolgers

I think you perceived an attack, but I was just making fun of myself. If I talk about my problems with people, it may lead me down the path of having to address them -- I.e. in the way that you have. I don't have time to deal with my real problems. This is a clearer explanation, but this is now uncomfortably sincere and thus I wouldn't have said anything at all if this is how I'd have expressed it -- which brings us full circle on this topic.


HotBoxGrandmasCar

>which brings us full circle the human experience! history even repeats itself lol


Flamekebab

Same. I do my best not to put anything on their shoulders but and honest "Not all that good today, but I'll live" doesn't do any harm. Most days the answer is an enthusiastic "pretty good!" but I wasn't about to pretend I wasn't hurting when my cat died, for example.


[deleted]

You're hoping to destroy an entire facet of linguistics? Good luck with that. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic\_expression](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression) What next? "He said a rolling stone gathers no moss but there were no stones there Barbara! None at all!"


Sinemetu9

I hear you and agree, I prefer to say and listen to the truth too. Wouldn’t you agree though that there’s a certain amount of relativity involved... depends who the person asking is, depends how heavy the truth is..?


stauer88

I appreciate where you are coming from, but I still think that it applies to most situations. I mainly think the answer shouldn't just be "yes, how are you" It's more about thinking about how you respond. It doesn't just apply to bad days, but good days, tired days, not quite sure days.


MuttWit

I definitely prefer people to mean what they say/ask. If they don't want to know they don't need to ask, they can just say "hello" if they want to be sociable.


TheKnightOfDoom

I bottle it all up. I open up more on reddit than in real life. I don't want my problems to be someone elses problem. I know its the wrong thing to do but hey stiff upper n all that.


GrunkleCoffee

Yeah I used to do that, until I couldn't anymore. Then when I was really in the shit, I had completely failed to hone the skills necessary to ask for help, and was still tied down by that feeling that I had to present as more okay than I actually was. Made the breakdown much, much worse.


MsDbird

This is far too relatable, spend long enough thinking about how your issues affect others and you eventually stop being able to process them in a healthy way or even at all. Hope you came out the other end okay mate.


GrunkleCoffee

I'm on my way, but doing well lately, thanks. :)


zwifter11

I once had a boss ask if I was alright “No, I’m not” He just shrugged and carried on standing there in silence The ironic thing was most of our problems were caused by our shit management and Victorian sweatshop mentality


Hiding_behind_you

Need to get something off your chest? What’s worrying you?


Standard_russian_bot

But some of them probably do care though


Mischeese

Someone asked me at my best friends funeral if I was alright (as a greeting). Did the very unBritish things of saying ‘no I’m not’ and then sobbing loads. I’m still mortified 10 years later.


GrunkleCoffee

Tbf what kinda pillock asks that at a fucking funeral?


Mischeese

Aww thanks, that make me feel a bit better about it. It’s a fair point, she just didn’t think and my polite filter was turned off.


GrunkleCoffee

I feel like if we as a culture are making people feel mortified about crying at a best friend's funeral, we need to have a good word with ourselves about this constant "stiff upper lip" bollocks. Like, people cried during the war ffs. We're being moulded into this weird hyper-stoic parody of the Dunkirk Spirit where we have to be unyielding automatons to everything around us.


[deleted]

Especially to the guy in the coffin! "How's Pete Maggie?" "This is his funeral" "Right, would be a shame to miss that because you're not well - you got his favourite cake!"


jevlegend

When I worked at Lidl, I was on the till and asked a chap how his day was. He said actually really bad mate, I'm having a terrible day. I wasn't really ready for that tbh. But chatted to him as well as I could before he left.


RunningDino

The fact you engaged with him positively for a few minutes probably did make a positive difference to his day. It may have been the most important part of your whole day without you knowing it. I was having a really bad day once and by the time I got to the supermarket I wasn't sure how much more I could take. Anyway, the check out lady was super friendly but not in an invasive manner. She really did cheer me up. She was so bubbly I couldn't bring myself to say what was really on my mind which was, 'I'm probably going to talk to the Samaritans when I get home'. But I felt like she made an effort to talk to me above and beyond what was really necessary and I walked away feeling like at least somebody cared that day. I wish I could thank her for that, but I'd be too embarrassed to tell her.


PleaseSpotMeBro

For context, I can see my responsibilities having to care for my dad is starting to emerge, even though he is working full-time at the moment. I've recently handed in my notice at a major retail company, because sticking to overnight working routine was doing me in after nearly 2 years in. It doesn't help that I'm only contracted 15 hours and have to do Saturdays and Sundays every single week. Which is why I had to get a second job. Now my second job has become my only job, which I can adjust to work days instead of overnights. I've been sleeping in the evening/night and staying up during the day for about a week now and what a difference it makes compared to the overnight routine! At the moment I'm laying in bed recovering from a common cold (mostly better now) before I can go back to work. I don't know why I feel guilty not being at work, even though I was trying to get better by drinking Lemsip, sleeping and blowing my stuffy nose. I feel like getting a common cold now it's a blessing in disguise as it slows down the pace of life and allow for introspection. I've been thinking on how to get out of my miserly £9 an hour job where customer abuse is normal. The nice customers are usually the NHS workers and the police. Also thought about what degree to do at uni. It seems people in UK subreddits give good points about choosing one based on ROI and also don't dislike it and one that you find is a little more interesting to you and probably less employable, but it'll reduce the hurt of studying it. I haven't done anything in the past week and feel guilty in an increasingly competitive and fast paced world where you need to be switched on, when you're not sleeping.


ohnobobbins

I don’t think you should feel remotely concerned about lying in bed for a week with a cold. We’re half way through the biggest crisis most humans alive have ever known. Lying in bed and having a bit of a think is a pretty chill and reasonable reaction to all of it. And in my honest opinion, people just talk about being super active, switched on and competitive and most of it is just pretending. I’m really impressed that you sound like you’re getting yourself sorted and off night shifts. Now you’ve had some time to think, you’ll plan your next moves better.


Aurgala

Oh, bless you. I think people do care, they just have their own stuff going on a lot of the time. Sorry to hear about your dad- is caring for him likely to be a long term thing? Personally, I'd switch to working in ALDI if you can- pays pretty well for entry level. WRT uni, I'd go against what you've been told and go for something with a good earning potential first. Play to your strengths, but even the most interesting course becomes a slog eventually so don't waste loads of money and time on a course you don't see a viable career at the end of. Also consider if you need uni at all- an apprenticeship might be a better shout. You want to identify your career first and plan your qualifications from there if at all possible. If you're finding it hard to motivate yourself, my advice would be to prioritise sleep, get out of breath doing something physical for at least twenty minutes a day (anything- just dance on YouTube even) and make sure you get outside in the natural light for at least twenty minutes every day. And take a multivitamin that includes vitamin D. I hope things become less complicated for you soon.


PleaseSpotMeBro

I wouldn't trust him to live by himself and also keep the house in a somewhat presentable state. Our garden is a mess, but we recently went to a garden centre and he bought things like weedkiller, a watering can and lawn feed. Despite his flaws, he is the most important person in my life. We went through homelessness together when I was a teenager and he still looks after me now. I already got an idea of which uni to go to and degree to do, it was just the thought of doing one that is better for employment or doing one that is a little more interesting to me, but less 'employable'. But since I know I can't walk into a city job through nepotism, I need to be a more outstanding minion. There's too many useless apprenticeships where I am, you know the glass collecting in a pub apprenticeship and what not. I'm still taking the 4 month supply of vitamin D that the government sent to every vulnerable person during shielding/lockdown. I've been using 10kg dumbbells I have at home and going for a walk in the sun. But I'm looking to get back to lifting in the gym again.


Aurgala

It's laudable that you're looking after your dad. I would say that putting yourself first isn't a bad thing though, and if he's likely to need support for a long time, it could cost you the best years of your life if you commit yourself to being the one who provides that support. You sound quite young and, if that's the case, he ^should^ be looking after you- it's not something you owe him for, it's his basic duty as a parent. I guess what I'm saying is, if the drain on you of supporting someone else is too much, or if you're having to sacrifice your own life to support him in his, it's OK to stop. Look after yourself. Edit: Should should be in italics, rather than superscript


PleaseSpotMeBro

He is doing all the heavy lifting now and I'm trying to use this advantage to focus on education. I have never gone through secondary school, so I feel I can't read or write confidently. Also I need to stay in this house to qualify for right to buy. I'm 31, so I don't know if that is young to you, but I feel like a boomer amongst my colleagues of mostly Gen-Z, even the managers are about 24.


Aurgala

If you can't read or write confidently, I'd have thought GCSEs would be where you'd need to start, rather than uni? Is that what you're doing at the moment? As a fellow millennial, I wouldn't consider 31 especially young, no, but nor are you a boomer!


PleaseSpotMeBro

Yeah, I'm doing GCSEs first.


Aurgala

Good luck! It'll all be worth it in the end.


lilybottle

Bear in mind that, while you're perhaps scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, seeing all these switched on, fast paced people, that people tend to post when they're happy, and scroll when they're sad. Everybody is finding it tougher than they say, and you're not alone.


Von_Bubb

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is take 5 to stop and breathe - it’s all well and good pressing on full steam ahead, but if you can’t then you can’t. Take time for you, DM’s are always open if you need them!


714392866590

People will often surprise you. If you're after unsolicited advise I think you should find some time for you, after you're feeling better from the cold, meet up with a friend you trust and open up. When things have been going on this long and are so bottled up, just telling someone really can make a difference. It isn't a long term solution but often you can feel the burden lift slightly from your shoulders. I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. Many small stressors can really impact you day to day. Life feels fast and scary at times, but there's no need to walk to everyone else's pace. We're all guilty of looking around and comparing ourselves to others but, as my favourite poem goes "if you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." You are a unique person. Your wants and needs aren't defined by those around you but by yourself. But importantly, you're allowed these wants and needs. You need rest. You need relaxation. You need to let your body recover. You are deserving of those things. Let yourself have them.


pinetreeroad

Never feel guilty for looking after yourself, if you are ill you need time away from work and anything else to recover, you get no extra thanks for working while ill. We all need a few breathers just to get back to normal. Im in the same position as you work-wise, trying to figure out what to do for the best next for a better work-life balance. Customers here (also NHS) are great but management are insufferable & make life a misery!


peekachou

My mum hates when we get scam phone calls they ask how she is, she told the last one she felt like shit because of chemo and he hung up 🤷‍♀️


JillyHorrorshow

I find it hard to say I'm alright when I'm not, so in these scenarios I tend to say, "yeah, still alive" and then it becomes a joke. Sad isn't it.


this-guy-

Try "Still in the game" It's the same but sounds cooler!


Chronsky

This is why I reply "Same old, same old, you?" because they don't give enough of a shit to sit through a laundry list of mental health issues and nor would I expect them to.


Cotford

To be honest after my wife died I did this as it’s much easier for everyone rather than saying “Actually I want to scream and break things until I collapse in a crying heap on the floor hoping to close my eyes and just die.” People tend to get stuck answering that.


[deleted]

Sorry for your loss


blueskybel

I recently heard a really good podcast where the speaker was saying it's ok to let loose with the crying and screaming because it helps us heal. It goes against how some of us were brought up I know. I really hope you're doing ok.


Heggo81

I care! Tell us, friend! It’s ok not to be ok, or something like that, idk. 👋☺️


[deleted]

Yes because 'how are you?" is a phatic expression not an enquiry.


paolog

Time for us to adopt that. Person A: "Hi, how are you?" Person B: "Actually or phatically?"


GrunkleCoffee

I'm guessing this is referring to the thread on here yesterday that was basically, "no one fucking cares how you're feeling stfu and just say, 'yeah alright you?'" Which, okay, I just wouldn't want to talk to someone with that view, full-stop. Especially after the year we've all just had, I finally decided that I wasn't going to keep pretending I was okay. It was fucking killing me. It was grinding everyone down with this Keep Calm and Carry On horseshit. I don't launch into every detail when someone asks now, but I give them an honest answer. Some days are great, some days are really not. I don't elaborate unless they ask, but just saying, "nah it was a rough weekend, but it picked up a bit Sunday afternoon." I'm not gunna pretend I don't go home so burnt out that I just crash straight on my couch and barely have the energy to cook. And, so far, being open and honest has actually deepened lot of friendships with people, and made colleagues into actual friends. So it's been a win-win. Still save the real shit for my therapist though lmao. I know they're expensive and it's an awkward process, but after my breakdown in January my therapist really picked me up and dusted me off, and I'm so much better for it. Don't let it all pile up on you folks.


petaboil

Yes? If someone actually was concerned, they'd ask a more complete question like, 'how are you, I've noticed you seem a bit different lately, and wondered if something was up, and if so, did you wanna talk about it with me?' 'How are you?', is just a colloquial greeting. As is, 'alright?' 'What's up?' 'Hi' etc.


highlandviper

If I'm really not alright I tend to share a small soundbite of why and if the person is actually interested then they'll ask a question to investigate further. If they're not interested they won't, then at least I know they're not and go about my day. Runs the risk of sounding like an over share... but its helpful to narrow down true friends and kind people. Good to always reciprocate.


Roaming_n_moanin

The term 'all right' sounds like an unhealthy way to be even. I'm fair to middling mate. Is my response. Half left.


AdamMcwadam

[Katy Perry is that you?](https://youtu.be/5PdXIHGvMpk)


theunknowncompanion

came here for this response hahahah


MasterofKami

I'm even like this with my parents, every time I slip and open up a little bit about something bothering they usually joke it off and it really hurts, if they don't care who else will, so whenever anyone asks if I'm alright this is exactly how I respond and then I quickly throw the question back at them and they answer fully...


GrunkleCoffee

Yeah, I was like this with my parents all my life. Just got used to them not really caring and expecting me to keep on going. They'd grumble now and then that they knew basically nothing about me, but still didn't really want to know much about me anyway. Then they were super upset and surprised when I told them I'd come out as trans six months ago, and hadn't talked to them at all about it up until I basically had to. As if they would've listened during the years of working things out up 'til that point lmao.


MasterofKami

Yeah that's what hurts about it all, I have arguments with my dad especially since he just thinks I'm being mardy all the time instead of thinking that something might be wrong, the last time he did this I had enough and told them I was extremely stressed for multiple reasons and I could barely take it, without so much as a hesitation he sniggered and said I don't know the meaning of the word and I have nothing to be stressed about, I couldn't breath after hearing this as he went on with his tirade again, I still haven't got over that particular one now truth be told but everyone I've come across has made it abudantly clear I don't matter so why should they care. Congrats on coming out though! That's really great for you! 😊


GrunkleCoffee

>he sniggered and said I don't know the meaning of the word and I have nothing to be stressed about, Oh yeah, that's my mum. Couldn't ever complain about a bad day at school or anything growing up, because she always had a worse anecdote to tell.


MasterofKami

For me it's the adage of I've got a roof over my head and no bills to pay therefore everything it wonderful, if you feel stressed it's because you're lazy, that kind of crap


GrunkleCoffee

Sadly, once you do have bills to pay, they seem to think it's like when they were young and rent was like, 25% of your wage rather than close to 50%. In a nutshell, they see a sliver of your life and judge it as the whole. They refuse to dive under the surface to see the rest of the iceberg, unless they're absolutely forced to be ramming into it full-speed.


MasterofKami

Yeah that's my worry in all this, like unless I end up doing something drastic, which thankfully I haven't but damn sometimes it feels like I'm close, then I'm forever going to be judged by them as this lazy, mardy child instead of someone who's spent their entire school life and work life being bullied and I'm too scared to find a new job in case they're the same, I hate this cycle


NuntuAppi

I don't know them obviously but suspect it's partly fear, rather then not caring. Parents aren't the all-knowing creatures we wanted them to be when we were small and sometimes just don't know what to do. They feel obliged to have the answers rather than just be a listening ear. Where they don't, the instinct can be to bury their head in the sand in the hope that if they brush it off (with stupid inappropriate remarks) it will just go away. As a dad the last thing I want is my kids not being happy and when they're not, I mean seriously not, that is frightening. Having grown up with the stiff upper lip mentality I vowed I would not pass this on and am proud that my girls will discuss how they feel with me. Despite that I sometimes still feel the temptation to brush it off - but won't. Please gives your parents another chance(s). Ask for a chat rather than just come out with a comment at a random time. Tell them you don't want answers, you want them to know how you're feeling. Or write a letter and pour your heart out. My daughter has done this at some of her most difficult times and it has been a great way for her to get her thoughts together and to start a discussion. Or write the letter and post it here. We can take the piss out of you and also make sure you know that there aren't too many of us living the life we wanted or expected. Life is hard, seriously hard, and you are far from alone in feeling that it's all a mess. Sorry about the essay! I wish you courage in taking one small step soon to change your life.


MasterofKami

Thank you, I take a lot of comfort in reading what you've said, I'll give it a go when I feel more capable of doing so and see how things go, I really appreciate your kind words 😊


NuntuAppi

Brilliant! Please let us know how you get on 👍


matt12o3

Had someone at work ask me if I was alright on Sunday, I replied ‘not particularly’, then they replied ‘yeah all good thanks’ and moved on. People just say the words, they don’t mean much


glytxh

And that one time you actually do open up, and they reply with a laugh and "god I wish I never asked". I wish I was fucking joking.


zombear33

I used to reply, "it's not your fault, (name) it's not your fault." over and over again till the person would cry and then laugh.


[deleted]

Jokes on you I'm living with Minnie Driver.


Licorice42

Just start telling them everything that ails you from your mentality to your sexual disfunction to your explosive diarrhea. They won't ask again!. 😂


arczclan

I noticed that I usually reply “not too bad” as in I am feeling bad but just not bad enough to not show up today


JauntyYin

You're at the doctors and they ask "How are you?" and you say "Fine". ... and then carry on and tell them all the reasons you're not fine.


randomlumberjak

i think this has been changing over the couple of years, sometimes people say a very cmpressed version of whats going wrong, and tbh, im fine with that


oohshitwaddup

and they ask you how you are, and you just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand.


sjpllyon

Even with it being convention, I generally want a honest answer. We live in a society where we think we must be ok or happy all the time. Well, this is not how it actually is. We are humans with a vast range of emotions. Not all good, not all bad, and some just neutral. Not saying we should all become as soppy as the Americans or Canadian but we should be able to express ourselves in a honest way, it is not healthy to say your ok when in reality you could be on the verge of a melt-down. Be nice to our fellow humans, the world is shit enough without everyone being horrible.


Ragstar626

“No, but thank you for asking” - fucks them right up


Parker4815

My Nan died last week. Don't feel close enough to any of my colleagues to say "Nope, feel like shit, should have spoken to her more"


AdComprehensive177

Then you don't say you're okay thanks, you say you're not bad thanks.


_Keo_

[Not too bad. Thanks Bill Baily.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7d79Knc8p4)


TWON-1776

I think it has already been mentioned here, but I had to learn not to ask that question to people in other countries because you are liable to be told of every tragedy that has happened in the family of someone you have known for about 5 minutes.


Bortron86

Someone at work was off for a while, and someone else asked them how they were when they returned. They replied: "I'm fine now, I had an anal prolapse." They didn't understand the concept of polite small talk.


[deleted]

Or maybe they just figured the questions were more about people being nosy so figured the blunt answer would shut down the "Maggie's off work? What's wrong with her?" gossip? Even if that particular time was just a phatic expression it's likely they've had a number of people already that day asking them why they've been away.


Bradalax

If you’re British I don’t really see this as a problem. We all know that this is just another generic greeting, it’s hardly a problem. Just reply yes thanks you? And move on.


Tsvetaevna

This is one thing I really dislike in the uk. Even among strangers, people seem a lot more open elsewhere. Whereas here sometimes it feels like you can know someone for years and never progress beyond, I’m fine how are you?


Henri_Winterman

You alright?


[deleted]

[удалено]


bird_gait

I struggled with this a lot growing up. I take things literally sometimes and so for the longest time people would ask how I was and o would tell the truth, not great most days.... well it just made everyone uncomfortable so I realized what people really want is for you to say - “Good, you?” This is why I feel like I never connect with people out in the world, most don’t actually care they are just trying to do what they think is socially expected of them


SapphicGarnet

[Okay Katy Perry](https://youtu.be/5PdXIHGvMpk)


Salmon_Slap

You say your fine but you're not really fine but you can't get into it because they would never understand...


_Trying2Think_

After this past year I answer honestly and when I ask it, I ask with honesty too.


Thor_Anuth

They ask you how you are and you have to say that you're fine but you're not really fine but you just can't get into it with them 'cause they would never understand.


Viopav

That so suits the title of this community. British problems. I moved here three years ago and the first year after hearing ya allright I kept replying like someone's gives a shit here. Later on I found out, it just means Hi. Still, can't find anyone that cares three years later. People make different type of connection here, they call acquaintances their friends.


jimbajomba

Is everything ok? If you’re still upset about the dick rash, you do know you can get creams for that these days, right?


nalleven

'Well you know.. Could be better' if they care they'll ask if you don't know you much then it'll be left at that with no embarrassment at all


leskenobian

I like "can't complain" cause I'll go on all day if I do


wise_joe

"How're you doing?" or equivalent questions are the new hello. You just repeat back whatever is asked to you.


ColonelBonk

I usually reply “I don’t know how to answer that question any more” or “much better now the rash is clearing up” - but yeah, this is the worst question to be asked if you’re really not feeling great. No one wants an honest answer.


famousaj

How are you lovelies today?


MarshallFoxey

This is totally the case, probably for all of us.


Urughak

Thats the US too


We-Are-Only-Animals

How are you doing, OP?


r_e_c_e_d_i_n_g

I’m always down for listening to a 20-minute rant if my friends/housemates are feeling low, it usually brings us closer, and if they’re happy, I’m usually happy as well.


mcBrodz23

I always say yeah I’m good if I’m ok or say I’ve been better if I’m not, if they care they’ll say what’s up and if they don’t they’ll say anything else but at least it’s being honest instead of just being normal ig


teedyay

"Good enough." It's honest (I'm still here, still alive). If they want to know more, they'll ask and I can tell them; if not, they'll laugh and leave it.


BillyW1994

https://youtu.be/cdNOR8rdI9c


pinetreeroad

& when you go the doctors: “how are you today?” “Yeah I am alright thanks” when you clearly arent haha!


Cherries4life

r/2meirl42meirl4meirl??


T_Nightingale

This is a world wide problem unfortunately, especially amongst men.


coffeeandjoints0901

100% correct.


kappa_mean_theta

As a new immigrant, this convention really caught me off guard a while ago. Someone at work asked 'you alright' at the coffee area and I thought they sensed something was not right and asked me with concern. Little did I know that they were least bothered and I wasted their time explaining what was bothering me. It really felt good speaking about it though.


SnooApples8774

I always thought that was an English way of saying hello


[deleted]

truth is no one actually cares and that goes double when your a guy with problems/issues


katieqt1

If I think someone has something on their mind I'll ask them are they okay more than once. And give them space in-between to see if they do want to talk. I generally find people need someone to listen to them, they just need that pause to find the words or the courage. Hope you're okay op?


[deleted]

Lad in the coop started answering "no, not really" to that question. Who even does that?


theoriginalmars

spending time going into why (cluster headache) are literally doing my head in, for people to say, chin up... Whilst on some days I'm looking for ways out...


itsaride

Getting deja vu.