Even if I’m playing a cleric?
By - Cheyruz
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Sadly, I already have a skull and am literally filled with bones. Satan already won...
I… I think you just invalidated Jesus. Congratulations, I award you all the points and you win the free trip to Tahiti. Show him what he’s won Marv!
I am pretty sure, Jesus also levitated and was a massive Twilight fan.
Don't forget he was a necromancer.
More like a lich or zombie since he rose up. Question is then, what was his phylacterium?
He resurrected Lazaro for example
Aren't this little things with flat breads in church called phylacteries or am I just an idiot
You mean oplatek? Opens up the question, can food be an phylacterium?
They have inscriptions on them and they are a material
Fair enough but I would have put him more with a special fish for an phylacterium, what would happen if someone ate it... Would they become something like a Harry Potter hocrux?
There's a box with prayers orthodox jews wear called phlyacteries, it's where dnd got the word.
I mean hey, they only put Divination and Necromancy on there.
That means the other six schools of magic are fine!
No more detect magic tho :(
A small price to pay for salvation.
Yea, but… I’d rather just know if this rusty teaspoon we got off the goblin bandits might be magic. You never know!!
You can cast fireball at it. It it doesn't break, it's probably magical.
It's a spoon though. If I've learned anything from washing spoons, it's that they will reflect everything right back at you. So I really don't recommend casting fireball at a spoon
So what you're saying is if I make a set of armor out of spoons, it automatically gains reflect. I'm in.
I imagine that armour would be extra effective against liquid and light based attacks.
Is that why no one can see the spoon death demon except its victim? Because itself is a spoon and it refracted light with the curve surface in a way no one else can percieve it?
Is spoon death demon actually a corrupted chosen one for it is he that is twisted and not the spoon?
And no "find traps", but hey. I love surprises!
You don’t need to detect magic on *anything* when you can just fireball *everything*
Transmutation makes sense, big j *did* turn water into wine
Conjuration is fine too given how he made five loaves of bread and two fish into enough food for a crowd of 5000 people
But not the *levitate* spell
Sorry, but you eat a vegetable on its own with no meat, strait to hell.
Also, you undercook fish? Straight to hell. Overcook chicken, also hell.
cheesecake with raisins, lowest depths of hell
Overcooked fish, believe it or not, also hell.
My guess is it’s 50% doing something middle America “Christians” consider weird. 50% rejecting the food god gave you.
I think it's more conflating their religion with their politics as well as a nice helping of us/them.
I'm good -> People I don't like are bad -> I don't like left wingers -> lots of left wingers are vegetarians -> vegetarians are bad -> bad people go to hell -> vegetarians go to hell.
What does it entail to be on the list? Not eating meat is bad? Eating only meat?
Omnivores, like humans, also eat plant based thing. So strictly eating plants is bad? What do they want to achieve with this?
Lycathtropes and vampires don't eat veg so I think you are onto something. Presrve the holy state of omnivorism.
And here I thought we’re supposed to be like a flock of sheep or something, talk ‘bout sending a mixed message
brought to you by the same 'Christians' eating shellfish and wearing mixed fabrics, no less
And shaving the sides of their heads, so uncivilised
The new covenant superseded the old Jewish laws in many places. Hence why it’s distinct from Judaism.
I’m a bit of a nerd for religions. Don’t even practice one but to quote Marge Simpson “I just think they’re neat”.
If you think Christianity is boring don’t convert to Islam. Drawings of Humans and Animals are haram. So is music and dancing. It’s why you see so much calligraphy and geometry in ancient Islam.
Funny how when you ask, the new covennat replaced any of the rules they don't want to follow and implicitly preserved those they want to impose on others.
They're going to be pissed when I levitate into church
Yea, I was going to turn into a werewolf too but I don’t wanna upset anyone so idk now
Na that's cool. Just explain tour absences by saying it's your time of the month. (You do not want me to go into the details of last time, but trust me, getting the blood out took weeks)
Yeah, I might try that… I could’ve still attended via zoom or something, but they banned remote viewing too so, yea
Okay, I get how worshipping satan and lycanthropy might bring you off the right track, fine. And I know that many strongly religious people have reservations against D&D for some reason
But fucking yoga?
The only yoga position you need is on your knees with your hands folded in prayer 🙏😤
Gotta admit… you had me in the first half and then lost me with the ‘prayer’ bit
Mom! Reddit is horny again!
that's my secret, reddit; I'm *always* horny
_bonk_ didn’t you see? Fornication is banned too
It’s because yoga was derived from parts of Hinduism, despite 95% of people using it for exercise.
This is the real answer.
When it first started getting big outside of Hinduism, christian preachers condemned it as "selling your soul to the elephant gods" or whatever. I think the original reasoning got lost to time, and now it's just one of those things churches hate because they were told to
Yoga is a pathway to many flexibilities some consider unnatural.
Is it possible to learn this power?
Not from a weightlifter.
Monks are Warlocks now?
Wait, Lycanthropy is real? I gotta find a werewolf who can bite me... 🐺
Fun fact, Satanism isn't actually about worshipping Satan. It's more like an atheistic response to religion, viewing it through a critical lens. Like, the rules of Satanism literally include a clause against taking said rules as a dogma of any kind, and encourage being a good person over following any written word.
Unless you're Euronymous from the band Mayhem. Though I have my doubts that he wasn't just branding himself.
Postmodernism? Like the art style?
I think it's referring to the wave of skepticism.
The funniest one to me is Lord of the Rings, which was written by a devout Christian.
Oh, no- Tolkien was a mackerel snapper, which is the "wrong" kind of Christian.
Devout *Catholic*. Given that this list was almost certainly written by a Protestant they probably wouldn’t care about Tolkien’s religiosity (assuming that they even knew about it) or even consider it to be a strike against him.
I was hoping Narnia would also be on there so we could see how blindly they condemn fantasy while it has Christian themes all over.
Not sure if “trilateralism” means threesomes or participating in international trade
Like, I would think threesomes would be covered by fornication, but I suppose I could be wrong
Trading with Europe?! That’s a paddlin’
Found the Brexit guy. Or the spanking fetishist.
Maybe both. You do you.
Or maybe they're trading spanks and paddlings *with* Europe?
I think you invented a new sport
I always love this list. How in the world are vegetarianism and video games in the same category as vampirism and necromancy!?
Don’t forget about lycatrophy and yoga! But it all really comes together in the twilight movies.
You never played a game of 'story of seasons' and then rise your very own skeleton army? I mean it is im the inscructions or was it an epileptic warning? /s
Oh thank God furry culture is safe/s
… they just haven’t found it yet…
Also: consider lycanthropy!
Eh. I have considered lycanthropy in the past, but Twilight kind of ruined it for me.
Quest idea: local group of werewolves are just a bunch of furries. You slay them easily for a high bounty
I read a post once from a member of a more sensible Christian group who attended a mass at (or at least during) AnthroCon. For furries, by furries, apparently. I assume they weren't in costume for the occasion, but he never really said.
I kinda thought goth would be higher on the list but "dead" last??? You new goth kids have let us down!
Not as much as they let themselves down.
And their parents
NO! I will never stop levitating! 😠
Come down right now, Sunflower!! Your scaring the dogs and your mother hasn’t seen your face in days!!
Using an instinctive action called Heliotropism. Also known as ‘Solar Tracking’, the sunflower head moves in synchronicity with the sun’s movement across the sky each day. From East to West, returning each evening to start the process again the next day. Find out more about how this works, and what happens at the end of this phase.
That’s it, putting heliotropism on the list as well.
I love this bot, it follows me everywhere I go 🌻
Oh that’s pretty cute haha :D I wish I had a bot follower
So... Don't get bitten by a werewolf, got it. I think that's one of the easier ones on the list, although the chances of me doing yoga are similar to me encountering a werewolf
At least I’m safe from fornication, phew.
I’d like to know how these people haven’t died off if fornication is completely out.
Meanwhile here, a priest just shared his rock playlist
Seems like a decent dude 🤘🏻
Some real bangers
Stairway to heaven in there too?
Believe it or not, even some Metallica
I love it :D
Good times when I was a Metallica one-trick
This inspired me to make a vegetarian Tiefling rogue side character.
Maybe ask your dm if you can also be bitten by a werewolf/vampire, and think about multiclassing into something like the college of spirits bard, for all the tarot/ouija stuff
And the fornication!
Chick Tracts strikes again...
I’m not sure which is worse, their ignorance of the Bible or their ignorance of the subject matter on this list.
God these comics are so ridiculously fundamentalist, they read like parody. If it wasn’t for the mean spirited fearmongering they’d be funny.
Yeah, like all the rest of the fundamentalists—I actually covered them in a world religions course I took on college; their origins are as bonkers as they are.
Ouh, is there an interesting story? I thought they just kinda developed as a contra thing because the world is continuously getting more modern and open
Basically yes, there was just some story to it (I thought it was interesting, at least). I forget names and dates, because it’s been quite some time, but here’s the gist:
For context, Christianity isn’t just a matter of behavior or group affiliation—both the Bible and most churches will tell you that you can look like you’re doing everything right and never actually be one of us. Needless to say, a lot of the theology debates over the past 2,000 years have been trying to pin down exactly what that entails.
Back in the late 19th century a theologian tried to come up with an objective standard for who is and is not a Christian—he actually was pretty close to what the Bible actually says on the subject, but went too far in some areas, and other theologians called him on it. But rather than accept the critique or even engage in civil debate like most of these things, he flipped out, more than doubled the list of requirements (now having gone from close-but-flawed to totally just making stuff up), and loudly accused everyone else of being false teachers and tools of the Devil.
Ever since then they’ve gotten more and more reactionary as the culture distances itself from Christian values—they had a decent-sized following back in the 80s and even going into the 90s, but they have never been anything more than paranoid radicals who contradict the Bible more often than they align with it.
That’s exactly the obscure trivia I’m here for :D and a really ironic development, trying to come up with a standard measure for who’s a Christian and who isn’t, and then actually moving further away from the core principles. No ‚love thy neighbour anymore‘, only ‚condemn everyone who’s slightly different‘.
My church has the best standard for how to tell if someone else is Christian or not:
You ask them, like an adult.
Fucking bastard, I've done all those things and still no satanic mind control powers, bloody lying Jack Chick.
I can understand having tried vampirism and lycanthropy, LSD and joining the Church of Satan while fornicating with a cultured goth but I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to be a vegetarian. You fucking monster!
Didn’t Jesus get resurrected? Doesn’t that make God a necromancer? And isn’t a baptism a form of rebirth? Did this person READ the bible?
Necromancers don’t resurrect people.
They bind an unwilling soul to a corpse and force it to do their bidding.
Kind of metal really.
Oh sorry! I haven’t played DND (I want to just haven’t gotten around to it yet) or done my necro research. I thought it was just bringing the dead back to life. Thanks for the correction!
Yea, feels like they read the blurb on the back of the book and decided to just follow their (super misguided) intuition from there
Following theese seems like a VERY booring life
Nowhere on this list says I can't get shitfaced and beat my wife on a pontoon boat! Praise!
You mean you don’t want to just work and go to church for the rest of your life until you die? How will you be a good example for the childre-… oh wait no „fornication“ is banned too nvm
Don't worry, as long as nobody new joins, this cult will only last for one generation
Except if god decides to have some more sons that is
I mean.... yes. That's kind of what these type of cults are about.
How very DARE they include Tolkien!
Yea! The whole saga had so many Christian allegories too, but they obviously never bothered to actually look into any of these things
Ugh, it has magic and a big firey thingy with wings that is clearly a demon. Clearly a work of Satan. And we don't need our little boys turning gay when they see the elves.
Oof, Gimli do be lookin fine tho
“I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. I much prefer history – true or feigned– with its varied applicability to the thought and experience of readers. I think that many confuse applicability with allegory, but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.”
Tolkien actually hated allegories. Christianity definitely had an influence though. Meanwhile C.S. Lewis skipped allegory and says the lion is just Jesus
I am waiting for the one who will comment "Bingo, I do all of them, I won"
To be honest, that would probably be a pretty interesting person
fornication is there, all of reddit has already lost this bingo card
Christianity: their holy city is Jerusalem
Jerusalem: located in the middle east
...would that make christianity an eastern religion?
But how can it be when Jesus was obviously a white dude
He wouldn’t have been white but he’d have possibly been fairer than modern Arabs. Though not by a massive amount.
Massive warfare for hundreds of years will do that to a place.
He actually probably would have been darker than modern Arabs, he got quite a lot of sun.
These Christian fundamentalists should stop being afraid and accept swole, tanned Jesus. Would probably get more people in the church too.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say swole, I don’t think he ate enough for that, definitely in great shape though. He spent all his time walking around and before he did the traveling he was a carpenter, meaning he would have done loads of manual labor.
Oh damn, true! Working in carpentry is sure to give you a pretty strong physique, especially back in the day.
Modern Arabs get loads of sun. My best mate’s mum told him “prepare to feel like a white boy” when they went over there on holiday.
Technically you’re correct but practically we both know they mean Shinto, Buddhism, etc
Also, I haven't heard of some of the things listed, but it seems that the book series Xanth is perfectly fine.^(If you've read the books, you'll know why I find this hilarious)
If fornication is forbidden, then how does the species survive? Unless we let Satanists reproduce and then convert them to the One and Only God, creator of everything (else).
„Be fruitful and multiply!“
„… no sex, only multiply!“
Basically, that's the spirit. The Holy Spirit, not the white one.
So you can only get kids through immaculate conception now? Damn, that leaves out all the fun parts
Yes. Christianity is not meant to be fun, unfortunately. To born from a virgin mother is not for everyone.
Fornication would be considered sex for pleasure, not reproduction.
I'm not opposed to most of these and do some of them
Yea honestly, this reads more like a list of fun things I’d like to I know more about
Except for the twilight films. I know more than I want about them.
Fuck the church, I have a
P E N I S M A C H I N E G U N
Yea, why should I go to church when I can have L A S E R B O O B S
G R E N A D E L A U N C H E R C L I T
I’m going to roll stealth to replace that mantis blade with a dildo…
As a Christian, can confirm that some of these are legit dangerous, others are just over the top!
Source: am goth
I always had a weird feeling about those vegitarians and yoga instructors being related to satan.
No one would be able to bend that much without some demonic possession
i got 19 of these lol
pfp checks out
Well I agree with the Twilight films ...
This sounds like a rad party
B.S. Even Satan doesn't want to be associated with the Twilight films.
Ah cool !!! I can still take part in steampunk!!
Wasn't the guy who wrote LOTR like super Christian?
Alright, alright, alright, alright...we laugh about 'marihuana parties' and 'Cyberpunk,' but let us ruminate on the fact that Post-Modernism (a facet of architecture and culture past 1950) is on the list. The person who wrote this list is obviously so scared of new ideas they couldn't be bothered to know what they were writing.
Sure love me some Marihuana and XTC.
Only wrong at parties. Loophole, don’t make it a party.
How am I going to enjoy all the pot parties otherwise
My friends and I added up our scores... I have 16 and have won an all expenses paid trip to be Exorcised by Bob Larson!
I’m really unsure if I can count postmodernism but I only got a measly 9… maybe Kenneth Copeland will point his finger at me
I think most people who are alive today have had their philosophy influenced enough by postmodern for it to count
_yiss_… so if I manage to find a vampire I can actually bump it up into the double digits!
I have done 8 of these things I think. Maybe a few more.
Im unsure if all the zoom classes I had count as remote viewing. I didn’t _want_ to take part in em! Same goes for the twilight movies!
I grew up around people that followed a list like this, basically don’t ever try to have fun. You’ll go to hell if you’re happy at any point.
Now... very happy most of the time, I decided I’d rather take my chances 😆
I’m really sorry to hear that, must’ve been hell (ironically…), but I’m glad to hear you made your own way! :)
What is remote viewing
Also am I missing it or are the rival religions of Islam and Catholicism missing from the list? I don’t feel like they fall into eastern religion
Well, guess I've been demonically possessed for some time now.
I just wish they’d actually do something cool like spinning my head 360°, instead of just hanging around
Well Warhammer and Pathfinder aren't on the list, so we can still play those systems
According to the behavior of most Christians I know "being a decent human being" and "minding your own business" are on the list as well.
All jokes aside, this list here really shouldn’t be seen as representing what almost all Christians believe in. It’s a totally bonkers accumulation of random things that crazy fundamentalists are scared of without even knowing what they’re about.
And they also forgot that ‘love thy neighbour’ was kind of a big deal for Jesus.
I’ve never had anything except good interactions with Christians. A group of them where I used to work pooled together £200 to help me pay off some debt a few years ago.
Didn’t ask for it, didn’t expect it. Just needed to get off my chest to someone how stressed I was.
Oh look an edited bible
And on the eight day the Lord said: “You know, I just don’t really feel postmodern art. Also, no Lord of the Rings. I already took that title, it’s mine.”
😂😂 these have not been invented yet but they will be! Better be prepared!
Alt "comix"? Tf is that?
Probably all comics other than their own publication
Eastern religions lmao, literally installing in brains that other people's culture and religion is satanism? That's how you start wars man
Pretty sure these kinda people already think they are fighting some holy war :/
Wasn’t reberthing like jesus’s whole thing?
Tbf Twilight was pretty bad.
Also the fact that this isn't in alphabetical order both bothers me and affirms that this list is the compiled stream-of-consciousness of a complete lunatic.
Each is more idiotic than the previous one
If you’d tell these guys that you can bang people in the new cyberpunk game they’d probably faint
Wait. "Remote viewing"? So every time I fire-up zoom for work I'm letting Satan in?! Work just got SO much more interesting!!!
“Aah shit, sorry guys, demon got in the laptop again, I don’t think I can make the meeting.”
First time I read this I thought, lol the eighties were wild. Until I I found Harry Potter on the list
it looks like a to-do list
Fuck you, I need to water my crops.
As a pastor, can confirm the twilight films are just bad…not doorways to possession….just bad…