T O P

Even if I’m playing a cleric?

Even if I’m playing a cleric?

Flair_Helper

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WeirdYarn

Sadly, I already have a skull and am literally filled with bones. Satan already won...


docmorgan21

I… I think you just invalidated Jesus. Congratulations, I award you all the points and you win the free trip to Tahiti. Show him what he’s won Marv!


WeirdYarn

I am pretty sure, Jesus also levitated and was a massive Twilight fan.


Drakfil

Don't forget he was a necromancer.


Heartless_Kirby

More like a lich or zombie since he rose up. Question is then, what was his phylacterium?


Drakfil

He resurrected Lazaro for example


ALeafOfMilk

Aren't this little things with flat breads in church called phylacteries or am I just an idiot


Heartless_Kirby

You mean oplatek? Opens up the question, can food be an phylacterium?


ALeafOfMilk

They have inscriptions on them and they are a material


Heartless_Kirby

Fair enough but I would have put him more with a special fish for an phylacterium, what would happen if someone ate it... Would they become something like a Harry Potter hocrux?


Itsonlyaplay

There's a box with prayers orthodox jews wear called phlyacteries, it's where dnd got the word.


Gazelle_Diamond

I mean hey, they only put Divination and Necromancy on there. That means the other six schools of magic are fine!


Cheyruz

No more detect magic tho :(


Gazelle_Diamond

A small price to pay for salvation.


Cheyruz

Yea, but… I’d rather just know if this rusty teaspoon we got off the goblin bandits might be magic. You never know!!


Gazelle_Diamond

You can cast fireball at it. It it doesn't break, it's probably magical.


SandsofFlowingTime

It's a spoon though. If I've learned anything from washing spoons, it's that they will reflect everything right back at you. So I really don't recommend casting fireball at a spoon


TheJediHaveFallen

So what you're saying is if I make a set of armor out of spoons, it automatically gains reflect. I'm in.


SandsofFlowingTime

I imagine that armour would be extra effective against liquid and light based attacks.


shotgunner12345

Is that why no one can see the spoon death demon except its victim? Because itself is a spoon and it refracted light with the curve surface in a way no one else can percieve it? Is spoon death demon actually a corrupted chosen one for it is he that is twisted and not the spoon?


Farmazongold

And no "find traps", but hey. I love surprises!


BuckRusty

You don’t need to detect magic on *anything* when you can just fireball *everything*


Maine1820

Transmutation makes sense, big j *did* turn water into wine


Gazelle_Diamond

True


DuskWriter

Conjuration is fine too given how he made five loaves of bread and two fish into enough food for a crowd of 5000 people


ZoroeArc

But not the *levitate* spell


switchybitchh

vegetarianism????????????


LumTehMad

Sorry, but you eat a vegetable on its own with no meat, strait to hell.


PeterAech

Also, you undercook fish? Straight to hell. Overcook chicken, also hell.


Monkey_Fiddler

That's fair


ElCanout

cheesecake with raisins, lowest depths of hell


DogStilts

Overcooked fish, believe it or not, also hell.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

My guess is it’s 50% doing something middle America “Christians” consider weird. 50% rejecting the food god gave you.


LumTehMad

I think it's more conflating their religion with their politics as well as a nice helping of us/them. I'm good -> People I don't like are bad -> I don't like left wingers -> lots of left wingers are vegetarians -> vegetarians are bad -> bad people go to hell -> vegetarians go to hell.


CasCastle

What does it entail to be on the list? Not eating meat is bad? Eating only meat? Omnivores, like humans, also eat plant based thing. So strictly eating plants is bad? What do they want to achieve with this?


StingerAE

Lycathtropes and vampires don't eat veg so I think you are onto something. Presrve the holy state of omnivorism.


Cheyruz

And here I thought we’re supposed to be like a flock of sheep or something, talk ‘bout sending a mixed message


switchybitchh

brought to you by the same 'Christians' eating shellfish and wearing mixed fabrics, no less


Cheyruz

And shaving the sides of their heads, so uncivilised


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

The new covenant superseded the old Jewish laws in many places. Hence why it’s distinct from Judaism. I’m a bit of a nerd for religions. Don’t even practice one but to quote Marge Simpson “I just think they’re neat”. If you think Christianity is boring don’t convert to Islam. Drawings of Humans and Animals are haram. So is music and dancing. It’s why you see so much calligraphy and geometry in ancient Islam.


StingerAE

Funny how when you ask, the new covennat replaced any of the rules they don't want to follow and implicitly preserved those they want to impose on others.


puzzlesTom

They're going to be pissed when I levitate into church


Cheyruz

Yea, I was going to turn into a werewolf too but I don’t wanna upset anyone so idk now


puzzlesTom

Na that's cool. Just explain tour absences by saying it's your time of the month. (You do not want me to go into the details of last time, but trust me, getting the blood out took weeks)


Cheyruz

Yeah, I might try that… I could’ve still attended via zoom or something, but they banned remote viewing too so, yea


Immort4lFr0sty

Okay, I get how worshipping satan and lycanthropy might bring you off the right track, fine. And I know that many strongly religious people have reservations against D&D for some reason But fucking yoga?


Cheyruz

The only yoga position you need is on your knees with your hands folded in prayer 🙏😤


docmorgan21

Gotta admit… you had me in the first half and then lost me with the ‘prayer’ bit


Immort4lFr0sty

Mom! Reddit is horny again!


mrbadxampl

that's my secret, reddit; I'm *always* horny


Cheyruz

_bonk_ didn’t you see? Fornication is banned too


figmaxwell

It’s because yoga was derived from parts of Hinduism, despite 95% of people using it for exercise.


ASK_ME_FOR_TRIVIA

This is the real answer. When it first started getting big outside of Hinduism, christian preachers condemned it as "selling your soul to the elephant gods" or whatever. I think the original reasoning got lost to time, and now it's just one of those things churches hate because they were told to


HugoWullAMA

Yoga is a pathway to many flexibilities some consider unnatural.


Immort4lFr0sty

Is it possible to learn this power?


HugoWullAMA

Not from a weightlifter.


mslabo102

Monks are Warlocks now?


notthesharpestbulb

Wait, Lycanthropy is real? I gotta find a werewolf who can bite me... 🐺


Gicaldo

Fun fact, Satanism isn't actually about worshipping Satan. It's more like an atheistic response to religion, viewing it through a critical lens. Like, the rules of Satanism literally include a clause against taking said rules as a dogma of any kind, and encourage being a good person over following any written word.


GrillOrBeGrilled

Unless you're Euronymous from the band Mayhem. Though I have my doubts that he wasn't just branding himself.


Reviewingremy

Postmodernism? Like the art style?


Dark_Shade_75

I think it's referring to the wave of skepticism.


jodokast4

The funniest one to me is Lord of the Rings, which was written by a devout Christian.


dillene

Oh, no- Tolkien was a mackerel snapper, which is the "wrong" kind of Christian.


Rome453

Devout *Catholic*. Given that this list was almost certainly written by a Protestant they probably wouldn’t care about Tolkien’s religiosity (assuming that they even knew about it) or even consider it to be a strike against him.


zalazand

I was hoping Narnia would also be on there so we could see how blindly they condemn fantasy while it has Christian themes all over.


Bawd1

Not sure if “trilateralism” means threesomes or participating in international trade Like, I would think threesomes would be covered by fornication, but I suppose I could be wrong


Cheyruz

Trading with Europe?! That’s a paddlin’


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

Found the Brexit guy. Or the spanking fetishist. Maybe both. You do you.


SlayerOfDerp

Or maybe they're trading spanks and paddlings *with* Europe?


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

I think you invented a new sport


prehistoricdragon

I always love this list. How in the world are vegetarianism and video games in the same category as vampirism and necromancy!?


Cheyruz

Don’t forget about lycatrophy and yoga! But it all really comes together in the twilight movies.


Heartless_Kirby

You never played a game of 'story of seasons' and then rise your very own skeleton army? I mean it is im the inscructions or was it an epileptic warning? /s


koro381

Oh thank God furry culture is safe/s


Cheyruz

… they just haven’t found it yet… Also: consider lycanthropy!


Lord_Montague

Eh. I have considered lycanthropy in the past, but Twilight kind of ruined it for me.


kive_guy

Quest idea: local group of werewolves are just a bunch of furries. You slay them easily for a high bounty


GrillOrBeGrilled

I read a post once from a member of a more sensible Christian group who attended a mass at (or at least during) AnthroCon. For furries, by furries, apparently. I assume they weren't in costume for the occasion, but he never really said.


Aggressive_Respond83

I kinda thought goth would be higher on the list but "dead" last??? You new goth kids have let us down!


NoxInviktus

Not as much as they let themselves down.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

And their parents


Sunflower_Reaction

NO! I will never stop levitating! 😠


Cheyruz

Come down right now, Sunflower!! Your scaring the dogs and your mother hasn’t seen your face in days!!


TheSunflowerSeeds

Using an instinctive action called Heliotropism. Also known as ‘Solar Tracking’, the sunflower head moves in synchronicity with the sun’s movement across the sky each day. From East to West, returning each evening to start the process again the next day. Find out more about how this works, and what happens at the end of this phase.


Cheyruz

That’s it, putting heliotropism on the list as well.


Sunflower_Reaction

I love this bot, it follows me everywhere I go 🌻


Cheyruz

Oh that’s pretty cute haha :D I wish I had a bot follower


Krussk91

So... Don't get bitten by a werewolf, got it. I think that's one of the easier ones on the list, although the chances of me doing yoga are similar to me encountering a werewolf


Cheyruz

At least I’m safe from fornication, phew.


Lord_Ho-Ryu

I’d like to know how these people haven’t died off if fornication is completely out.


OnixKn

Meanwhile here, a priest just shared his rock playlist


Cheyruz

Seems like a decent dude 🤘🏻


OnixKn

Some real bangers


Cheyruz

Stairway to heaven in there too?


OnixKn

Believe it or not, even some Metallica


Cheyruz

I love it :D


OnixKn

Good times when I was a Metallica one-trick


EppoTheGod

This inspired me to make a vegetarian Tiefling rogue side character.


Cheyruz

Maybe ask your dm if you can also be bitten by a werewolf/vampire, and think about multiclassing into something like the college of spirits bard, for all the tarot/ouija stuff


figmaxwell

And the fornication!


Beledagnir

Chick Tracts strikes again... I’m not sure which is worse, their ignorance of the Bible or their ignorance of the subject matter on this list.


Cheyruz

God these comics are so ridiculously fundamentalist, they read like parody. If it wasn’t for the mean spirited fearmongering they’d be funny.


Beledagnir

Yeah, like all the rest of the fundamentalists—I actually covered them in a world religions course I took on college; their origins are as bonkers as they are.


Cheyruz

Ouh, is there an interesting story? I thought they just kinda developed as a contra thing because the world is continuously getting more modern and open


Beledagnir

Basically yes, there was just some story to it (I thought it was interesting, at least). I forget names and dates, because it’s been quite some time, but here’s the gist: For context, Christianity isn’t just a matter of behavior or group affiliation—both the Bible and most churches will tell you that you can look like you’re doing everything right and never actually be one of us. Needless to say, a lot of the theology debates over the past 2,000 years have been trying to pin down exactly what that entails. Back in the late 19th century a theologian tried to come up with an objective standard for who is and is not a Christian—he actually was pretty close to what the Bible actually says on the subject, but went too far in some areas, and other theologians called him on it. But rather than accept the critique or even engage in civil debate like most of these things, he flipped out, more than doubled the list of requirements (now having gone from close-but-flawed to totally just making stuff up), and loudly accused everyone else of being false teachers and tools of the Devil. Ever since then they’ve gotten more and more reactionary as the culture distances itself from Christian values—they had a decent-sized following back in the 80s and even going into the 90s, but they have never been anything more than paranoid radicals who contradict the Bible more often than they align with it.


Cheyruz

That’s exactly the obscure trivia I’m here for :D and a really ironic development, trying to come up with a standard measure for who’s a Christian and who isn’t, and then actually moving further away from the core principles. No ‚love thy neighbour anymore‘, only ‚condemn everyone who’s slightly different‘.


AlliedSalad

My church has the best standard for how to tell if someone else is Christian or not: You ask them, like an adult.


LumTehMad

Fucking bastard, I've done all those things and still no satanic mind control powers, bloody lying Jack Chick.


StingerAE

I can understand having tried vampirism and lycanthropy, LSD and joining the Church of Satan while fornicating with a cultured goth but I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to be a vegetarian. You fucking monster!


GayKaye47

Didn’t Jesus get resurrected? Doesn’t that make God a necromancer? And isn’t a baptism a form of rebirth? Did this person READ the bible?


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

Necromancers don’t resurrect people. They bind an unwilling soul to a corpse and force it to do their bidding. Kind of metal really.


GayKaye47

Oh sorry! I haven’t played DND (I want to just haven’t gotten around to it yet) or done my necro research. I thought it was just bringing the dead back to life. Thanks for the correction!


Cheyruz

Yea, feels like they read the blurb on the back of the book and decided to just follow their (super misguided) intuition from there


Witzmaen

Following theese seems like a VERY booring life


Contra_Mortis

Nowhere on this list says I can't get shitfaced and beat my wife on a pontoon boat! Praise!


Cheyruz

You mean you don’t want to just work and go to church for the rest of your life until you die? How will you be a good example for the childre-… oh wait no „fornication“ is banned too nvm


SandsofFlowingTime

Don't worry, as long as nobody new joins, this cult will only last for one generation


Cheyruz

Except if god decides to have some more sons that is


Gazelle_Diamond

I mean.... yes. That's kind of what these type of cults are about.


AntVegetable1810

How very DARE they include Tolkien!


Cheyruz

Yea! The whole saga had so many Christian allegories too, but they obviously never bothered to actually look into any of these things


NoxInviktus

Ugh, it has magic and a big firey thingy with wings that is clearly a demon. Clearly a work of Satan. And we don't need our little boys turning gay when they see the elves.


Cheyruz

Oof, Gimli do be lookin fine tho


linuxpenguin823

“I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. I much prefer history – true or feigned– with its varied applicability to the thought and experience of readers. I think that many confuse applicability with allegory, but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.” -J.R.R. Tolkien


Iceveins412

Tolkien actually hated allegories. Christianity definitely had an influence though. Meanwhile C.S. Lewis skipped allegory and says the lion is just Jesus


Fin_McBullet

I am waiting for the one who will comment "Bingo, I do all of them, I won"


Cheyruz

To be honest, that would probably be a pretty interesting person


HueHue-BR

fornication is there, all of reddit has already lost this bingo card


Maine1820

Christianity: their holy city is Jerusalem Jerusalem: located in the middle east ...would that make christianity an eastern religion?


Cheyruz

But how can it be when Jesus was obviously a white dude


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

He wouldn’t have been white but he’d have possibly been fairer than modern Arabs. Though not by a massive amount. Massive warfare for hundreds of years will do that to a place.


Nroke1

He actually probably would have been darker than modern Arabs, he got quite a lot of sun.


Cheyruz

These Christian fundamentalists should stop being afraid and accept swole, tanned Jesus. Would probably get more people in the church too.


Nroke1

Yeah, I wouldn’t say swole, I don’t think he ate enough for that, definitely in great shape though. He spent all his time walking around and before he did the traveling he was a carpenter, meaning he would have done loads of manual labor.


Cheyruz

Oh damn, true! Working in carpentry is sure to give you a pretty strong physique, especially back in the day.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

Modern Arabs get loads of sun. My best mate’s mum told him “prepare to feel like a white boy” when they went over there on holiday.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

Technically you’re correct but practically we both know they mean Shinto, Buddhism, etc


Maine1820

Also, I haven't heard of some of the things listed, but it seems that the book series Xanth is perfectly fine.^(If you've read the books, you'll know why I find this hilarious)


NibOnAPen

If fornication is forbidden, then how does the species survive? Unless we let Satanists reproduce and then convert them to the One and Only God, creator of everything (else).


Cheyruz

„Be fruitful and multiply!“ „… no sex, only multiply!“


NibOnAPen

Basically, that's the spirit. The Holy Spirit, not the white one.


Cheyruz

So you can only get kids through immaculate conception now? Damn, that leaves out all the fun parts


NibOnAPen

Yes. Christianity is not meant to be fun, unfortunately. To born from a virgin mother is not for everyone.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

Fornication would be considered sex for pleasure, not reproduction.


blockprime300

I'm not opposed to most of these and do some of them


Cheyruz

Yea honestly, this reads more like a list of fun things I’d like to I know more about Except for the twilight films. I know more than I want about them.


EalL27N7

Cyberpunk culture Fuck the church, I have a P E N I S M A C H I N E G U N


Cheyruz

Yea, why should I go to church when I can have L A S E R B O O B S


EalL27N7

G R E N A D E L A U N C H E R C L I T


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

I’m going to roll stealth to replace that mantis blade with a dildo…


CreatorCaz

As a Christian, can confirm that some of these are legit dangerous, others are just over the top! Source: am goth


Cheyruz

oh no


Exciting-Signature40

I always had a weird feeling about those vegitarians and yoga instructors being related to satan.


Cheyruz

No one would be able to bend that much without some demonic possession


BlackMetalFembi

i got 19 of these lol


JoshuaMachin

pfp checks out


stargazer4272

Well I agree with the Twilight films ...


forests_sprites

This sounds like a rad party


Vorengard

B.S. Even Satan doesn't want to be associated with the Twilight films.


hadmilk

Ah cool !!! I can still take part in steampunk!!


Puzzleheaded_Cat2131

Wasn't the guy who wrote LOTR like super Christian?


ElderChiroptera

Alright, alright, alright, alright...we laugh about 'marihuana parties' and 'Cyberpunk,' but let us ruminate on the fact that Post-Modernism (a facet of architecture and culture past 1950) is on the list. The person who wrote this list is obviously so scared of new ideas they couldn't be bothered to know what they were writing.


SwarleyJr

Sure love me some Marihuana and XTC.


CasCastle

Only wrong at parties. Loophole, don’t make it a party.


Cheyruz

How am I going to enjoy all the pot parties otherwise


t1nk3r_t4yl0r_84

My friends and I added up our scores... I have 16 and have won an all expenses paid trip to be Exorcised by Bob Larson!


Cheyruz

I’m really unsure if I can count postmodernism but I only got a measly 9… maybe Kenneth Copeland will point his finger at me


t1nk3r_t4yl0r_84

I think most people who are alive today have had their philosophy influenced enough by postmodern for it to count


Cheyruz

_yiss_… so if I manage to find a vampire I can actually bump it up into the double digits!


Misanthrope42069

I have done 8 of these things I think. Maybe a few more.


Cheyruz

Im unsure if all the zoom classes I had count as remote viewing. I didn’t _want_ to take part in em! Same goes for the twilight movies!


That_Lore_Guy

I grew up around people that followed a list like this, basically don’t ever try to have fun. You’ll go to hell if you’re happy at any point. Now... very happy most of the time, I decided I’d rather take my chances 😆


Cheyruz

I’m really sorry to hear that, must’ve been hell (ironically…), but I’m glad to hear you made your own way! :)


AbysmalVixen

What is remote viewing Also am I missing it or are the rival religions of Islam and Catholicism missing from the list? I don’t feel like they fall into eastern religion


TiggsDog

Well, guess I've been demonically possessed for some time now.


Cheyruz

I just wish they’d actually do something cool like spinning my head 360°, instead of just hanging around


BFGfreak

Well Warhammer and Pathfinder aren't on the list, so we can still play those systems


Yurdahil

According to the behavior of most Christians I know "being a decent human being" and "minding your own business" are on the list as well.


Cheyruz

All jokes aside, this list here really shouldn’t be seen as representing what almost all Christians believe in. It’s a totally bonkers accumulation of random things that crazy fundamentalists are scared of without even knowing what they’re about. And they also forgot that ‘love thy neighbour’ was kind of a big deal for Jesus.


LeDevilsAdvocate2021

I’ve never had anything except good interactions with Christians. A group of them where I used to work pooled together £200 to help me pay off some debt a few years ago. Didn’t ask for it, didn’t expect it. Just needed to get off my chest to someone how stressed I was.


Steel_Clad_Giantess

Oh look an edited bible


Cheyruz

And on the eight day the Lord said: “You know, I just don’t really feel postmodern art. Also, no Lord of the Rings. I already took that title, it’s mine.”


Steel_Clad_Giantess

😂😂 these have not been invented yet but they will be! Better be prepared!


Tankman222

Alt "comix"? Tf is that?


Cheyruz

Probably all comics other than their own publication


SketchopotamusTTV

Eastern religions lmao, literally installing in brains that other people's culture and religion is satanism? That's how you start wars man


Cheyruz

Pretty sure these kinda people already think they are fighting some holy war :/


koemaniak

Wasn’t reberthing like jesus’s whole thing?


CowboyBlacksmith

Tbf Twilight was pretty bad. Also the fact that this isn't in alphabetical order both bothers me and affirms that this list is the compiled stream-of-consciousness of a complete lunatic.


Harleking31

>Fornication >Harry Potter >Video games >Cyberpunk culture Each is more idiotic than the previous one


Cheyruz

If you’d tell these guys that you can bang people in the new cyberpunk game they’d probably faint


Tribius13

Wait. "Remote viewing"? So every time I fire-up zoom for work I'm letting Satan in?! Work just got SO much more interesting!!!


Cheyruz

“Aah shit, sorry guys, demon got in the laptop again, I don’t think I can make the meeting.”


anti-peta-man

LOTR?


Rabe2703

First time I read this I thought, lol the eighties were wild. Until I I found Harry Potter on the list


Kinoman1984

it looks like a to-do list


SomeFakeInternetName

>Divination Fuck you, I need to water my crops.


ManicNinjaManic

As a pastor, can confirm the twilight films are just bad…not doorways to possession….just bad…