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My (20m) gf (19f) recently told me she’s concerned about only being in one relationship her entire life

My (20m) gf (19f) recently told me she’s concerned about only being in one relationship her entire life

Mitch-Trubb

She's 100% on track to ask you to open the relationship, or cheat. Good luck


WifeofTech

She's likely seeing a lot of other girls who have been in multiple relationships and they are likely acting superior to her (much like many of the commentors I read on here) I had moments like that myself. (Started dating my now husband in high school) What helped me was taking a step back and examining what exactly it was I was supposedly missing out on, what I would lose if I gave up what I had, and most importantly why those people felt the need to belittle my relationship and call me naive/innocent/prude etc. Were they legit concerned about me or were they confused or worse jealous? The answer for me most of the time was confusion/jealousy. They were confused at how our relationship was going so well especially in comparison to their relationship history. It was easier to say our relationship was wrong than to acknowledge that we have something they did not or flaws in their own approach to relationships. Heck my husband and I still have moments where we question what is "wrong" with our relationship as we've had no major life altering arguments, enjoy spending time together, and don't fall into any of the tropes or statistics that is supposed to represent a couple that married early in life and had kids before 30. Many of the couples, honestly most, that we knew that married at our age or were even just dating have either split or had some major shift in their relationship that caused them to become distant from eachother. And it just keeps happening yet my husband and I are happy and seem to handle everything that comes at us and come out stronger than ever. So I'd recommend talking with your gf. Ask her why she is feeling the way she's feeling. Is there something missing from her current relationship or is she just feeling like she's missing the wild college years check box on the list of cliche "milestones". If she feels something is missing from the relationship then it will be up to both of you to figure out if it is something you can fix or if it means splitting up. If it's the latter issue then it is honestly up to her to decide if she wants to lose what she has just to have an "experience." I would not recommend saying you would be willing to wait on her as that does usually lead to heartache. A second option would be a temporary break or open relationship but those are dependent on your comfort. If you go into an open relationship do make a list together at what each of you are comfortable with and which is a boundary break. Having a clear rule set in the beginning can help prevent missteps and confusion later.


MonteLukast

When they start their freshman year in college, all bets are off. That's when a lot of couples break up. She's meeting a whole bunch of new people and is realizing she doesn't want to be stuck in a long-distance relationship anymore. She's right. She doesn't want to be that girl who never goes out and never does anything fun with other people because she has to stay in and Facetime or Zoom or Skype or DM or text or message with her boyfriend.


theskipster

You should reassure her that at her age and given the age when her relationship started, the odds are very very small that she will only have one relationship in her life. That should help her concerns.


BreqsCousin

Seconded


throwacomment-789

Shes probably gonna either cheat or push for an open relationship - don't put up with either, if she leaves, move on, don't take her back.


DrHugh

There are two parts to this. One is that the existing relationship she has with you has a head-start, if you will. While looking at something like marriage with you may seem like a limiting reality, it means she's considering *you*, the person who probably knows her better than anyone else in several different ways. It isn't like she randomly picked someone. Yes, this relationship is significant, but is there a better choice? You don't get to evaluate all the possibilities before choosing, so it really what is happening now that matters. The other is that she might feel that cutting herself off from the possibility of other romantic relationships is a problem. Not that she has plans to develop some, but her alarm could be an indicator that she'd be more comfortable in a polyamorous situation. Or that she worries she'd be losing out on some other key aspect of life (see below). Both parts will involve some deep discussion. The main thing about such discussion is to keep it curious and open; don't take it as a personal attack on you, and don't be mean to her. It may get awkward at times, and that's OK; important conversations in long-term relationships aren't always easy. In the first case, she may be getting what would be called "cold feet" if you were already engaged and working up to a wedding. The magnitude of the commitment and the implications of it can give someone pause, especially if they are young. Take it as a sign that she is serious about the meaning of a step like marriage. There can be many factors which contribute to this. Maybe she had a bad relationship before...or no relationship before. Maybe she's heard too many stories of relationships failing, or not enough stories of relationships succeeding. What can help is to avoid the multitude of possibilities, and just focus on what the relationship currently *is*. Is it supportive? Is it respectful? Is it loving? Is it caring? These are good reasons to stay in a relationship. Relationships, though, don't have to be perfect to be worth saving. In fact, happy, long-term relationships don't get that way because they are perfect and lack problems. Instead, such relationships are successful because the partners work *together* to resolve the inevitable problems that occur in any relationship. As for the second case, if she is worried that she's losing some sort of valuable experience or opportunity, it is worth asking about it. For instance, she may see you as a well-defined person, who has clear likes and dislikes. Based on what she knows about you, she might feel that you wouldn't be open to things like the following: * Eating food from another culture. * Travelling to places you've never been before. * Sexual activities that are "non-vanilla." * Engaging in hobbies that are meaningful to her but unappealing to you. She might be wrong about her estimate of your willingness in such areas. But you'd have to talk about it in order to find out what things she worries she might miss. It may be she assumed you wouldn't be into, say, international travel, when you would be eager to go on trips with her. The same is true with sexual activities. The hobby idea is one I put there because some people grow up thinking that a close, romantic couple, or a married couple, is supposed to do *everything* together. This isn't true, and I think it causes more harm than good to try to achieve that. People are unique, and while you will have some intersection of interests, you don't have to want to do the same things, nor do you have to do all activities as a couple; it is OK to be individuals sometimes. Your girlfriend might think that she's cutting herself off from interests that you don't share. Consider how some people think a married person should ignore their single friends and hang out with their spouse all the time. (From posts I've seen here, some people think a spouse shouldn't hang out with their *family* after marriage!) It is only by talking about what your girlfriend thinks the relationship is supposed to be like, and how you two interact, that you'll get an understand of her concerns. (This is why I said curiosity is the big thing.) One fairly edgy question is this: What happens if you get married and are happy, and then you meet your actual soulmate? (I don't believe in soulmates, for the record; I'm just using this as a what-if scenario.) How should you react? If you had a happy, committed and exclusive relationship with someone, and then found someone you were certain was a soulmate, I would hope you'd talk to the person you've already spent years with and try to figure out what's going on. Then you can try to work out how to deal with this knowledge. Maybe you'd open the marriage. Maybe you'd agree to divorce amicably so you could be with the soulmate. Or maybe the soulmate would just stay a friend, because you value the commitment you made to your spouse. I would suggest you both read the book, *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, by John Gottman. It covers a lot of how relationships function, and the ways that make then work long-term. If nothing else, it should give you some skills for how to talk about issues in a way that doesn't try to be mean or "victorious" over your partner. Does this help?


No_Celebration_3737

She is surrounded by a lot of girls with multiple relationship on their backs, and probably she started to feel the weird one to only have one, or inferior. The fact is that a girl with that type of mindset is a huge red flag. If for her is so easy to be influenced by her new social cycle, she will cheat 100%, for some crap excuse like "she deserve to explore her sexuality" or something like that. Now you have to choose: leave her immediately, or have a long talk about it and make your decision based on that. If you decide to talk, move your feelings aside and choose mostly with your mind if you are fine with it. And probably, her "college experience" is based on the TV ones. The one fill with drama an unrealistic at maximum.


Accurate_source024

She will probably push for an open relationship, if this is something that your not okay with then talk to her about this. You don't want to be in a relationship that does not fulfill you.


hisimpendingbaldness

If she stays with you, she is right. She doesn't get to experience dating. If its important enough to her, you guys have a problem that is not solvable as a couple.


ezagreb

Ask her to marry you - no just kidding. Tell her she is great but going out with you is not a lifelong commitment.


Arcanthia

Real talk, you’re probably going to break up. She probably already met someone she’s interested in which is why she said it. Honestly there’s nothing wrong with that. Just saying this from experience as a guy that met a lot of freshman girls in college who had boyfriends from back home/other schools. Distance, youth, and excitement of new people usually results in breaking up. Sucks, but it is what it is.


evenmoremeancomments

I can't really blame her, I broke up with my first gf for that exact reason. I figured I'd end up resenting her for something she had no fault in. If you can handle opening up the relationship or her cheating, otherwise I'd suggest you break up.