T O P

Having trouble forgiving her cheating. She’s upset I asked for a dna test for our son

Having trouble forgiving her cheating. She’s upset I asked for a dna test for our son

R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My(39M) wife(31F) confessed to a 4 month affair. I was devastated and crushed but the first thing I thought was my son. I felt like I was losing everything. my motivation in life is my son and wife and I felt like I was losing both. My trust was broken and I don’t know if I believe it was only 4 months and if it was just one affair . I wanted a dna test immediately and demanded one before anything and before I make any decisions on what I’m going to do . That led to the biggest fight of our relationship. She claims that this is the only time she cheated and our son is 4 and is mine . I got a dna test and thankfully my boy is mine. We haven’t really spoke much in three weeks . She’s mad that I dna tested our son and I’m mad she cheated. I feel like she’s being selfish and is gaslighting me like I’m the crazy when she’s the one who cheated. I refuse to apologize for getting a dna test . But the truth is It’s always been a touchy subject in my head that we never spoke on just hearing comments and questions from ignorant people. I’m black with a green eyed son that looks absolutely nothing like me. I understand that genetics at the end of a day are a toss up who knows maybe one of us had a green eye ancestor in the family tree. But I never questioned her once and she cheated and my insecurities flared up because that was in the back of my head when she confessed everything . Thankfully he’s mine but I said that to get my point across how can she be so selfish to not only cheat but not understand what I was going through mentally as a father and husband? What should I do going forward ? We haven’t really spoke in 3 weeks . Honestly I’m kind of disappointed and turned off by her. I find it pretty repulsive that I’m home teaching our son how to read , basic math and etc and she’s out doing whatever with a guy I told her wasn’t interested in only being her friend from the very beginning and she called me insecure. (Sighs)trying to end this post and catching my self venting EDIT: I’ve already gotten the dna test . He’s mine


Duracoog

She has to accept that her infidelity has made you question the relationship and every aspect to it. We all do that, go back and think about every argument, suspicion, manipulation, explanations of being late...everything. Even the good things.... we all wonder what was real. Was it all acting on her part? Every smile, kiss, sex...... kids..... We know lying is a huge part of cheating, and we have no clue to where the lying began and if it will ever end. It then becomes hard to take their "word" on anything. We look back at what our part in this is, IF any. It throws up insecurities and doubts... She has to accept all of this if she wants to reconcile.


temperdetemp

This. She has to take full responsibility for her actions for there to be a possibility to get over this. But it seems she does the exact opposite and is resentful to you. Leave her if she doesn't change this right now. Otherwise she's only going to double down. I wouldn't be surprised if she blames you for her cheating.


harryhoudini66

Agreed. This will repeat itself again. She may believe herself justified in what she did. So long as its this way, OP is in danger. Not to mention that OP forgiving her will maker her think that she can get away with it too.


FieldsToTheMoon

These are the worst kind of apologies. She thinks her actions have been cleared because she was honest.


Zombtistic

Being cheated on is a seriously traumatic experience, it's caused many people throughout history to commit extreme self destructive acts, the fact she is acting in anyway offended about his need for validity after what she's done, indicates she either has no idea how much her actions have affected him or she isn't sorry, either way it lacks empathy, so OP, please ask yourself why you're staying with this woman?


Wondercat87

This! As someone who has been cheated on, this is a great explanation of what the partner who has been cheated on feels. His wife has to own up to what she did and recognize how that has affected her relationship. OP is understandably upset and now questioning everything (which to be fair, is normal given what he has been through). Trust is a huge issue and she needs to build that back up if they do decide to reconcile.


[deleted]

Everything you said, except “we look back at what our part in this is, if any.”


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[deleted]

My interpretation of what you said is totally different. I do agree with you that the second time she cheated was in part your fault for staying, but a person will cheat if they want. Unless OP took their cheater back like you did, then don’t blame the victim.


swansong19

*"Tell a lie once and all your truths become suspect"*


cconflictedman

Yep Super deep quote . Really experiencing that right now


swansong19

If she was truly remorseful/cared about your feelings she would do whatever she had to to ease your concerns and understand why you had them.


MindForeverWandering

I hate to raise the point but...her reaction to your decision to get a DNA test suggests to me that *she* wasn't all that certain the child was yours, either.


cconflictedman

A thought that definitely crossed my mind . Like what if she was just as relieved as I was. Hurts alot man but I guess it doesn’t hurt as much as if he wasn’t mine so I’m grateful right now. Sad business. What if she was so heartless to watch me raise a son and have questions herself on if it’s my son ? I hope not but I don’t know anymore


__T_8__

What he said exactly man.


RosieChow

Don't let your mind jump to conclusions. Your trust has been broken so now you're questioning your whole relationship and family (understandably). But you can't look inside the mind of your wife, so for this relationship to heal you're going to have to trust what she says. Obviously easier said than done, and will take a lot of work and time How can this relationship go on if there is no trust? If you think you can't trust her anymore you should end the relationship. I would go to marriage counseling ASAP to start the healing process, it'd be good for both of you whether you decide to stay together or not


SalsaRice

Bingo Bango. If she was 100% sure the kid was OP's, that would have been a great idea for her to offer up in an attempt to win back his trust. But NOPE; her absolute panic at the thought of a DNA test says enough about what she was actually worried about.


swansong19

Frankly that was my thought as well but decided to let sleeping dogs lie.


RosieChow

I don't think so. You can't speculate what she was thinking or feeling. To me it seems probably her pride that was hurt because her husband didn't trust her (obviously).


InjectThePain

If she genuinely cared she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.


swansong19

Touche'


RosieChow

I would highly recommend going to couples counseling. You're not going to solve relationship issues on reddit


kinetochore21

That's kind of a stupid quote. Literally every single person on this earth had lied and will continue to do so. Of course not everyone lies about things like this but still it's just not a very accurate or helpful quote.


swansong19

> Literally every single person on this earth had lied and will continue to do so Which does what to disqualify the quote? If someone lies to you do you not tend to be suspicious about other things they tell you/claim? Because that's how most people react.


kinetochore21

So you go around suspicious of every single person? Because I guarantee you everyone you know has lied to you about something at some point, you just didn't necessarily find out about it.


Lordofthelowend

This is such a dense and overly literal/semantic read. You’re coming off as one of those “well actually” guys.


cutthehero25

I mean...if someone has lied to you before but you didn't find out about it then you don't know that a lie even exists.


kinetochore21

But it still does. Like the only difference is you discovered the lie. But even if you don't the lie still exists.


cutthehero25

But the lie doesn't exist to YOU. It exists only to the liar. When you find out about the lie, that's when you start to calculate back and grow suspicious as to what else could be a lie too. The quote is pretty accurate. Plus, as you said, everyone lies at times and with my experience, once you discover a lie, even if you forgive that person, a 'what if' develops in a small part of you.


kinetochore21

But the quote isn't accurate because it doesn't say "If someone finds out you told a lie all your truths become suspect" it says "Tell a lie once and all your truths become suspect" which is even more ridiculous because if telling one lie makes you suspect, we all are.


cutthehero25

Then maybe we all are. Maybe all of our friends and family have that little 'what if' with us and we don't even know that they do because they give us the benefit of the doubt and we prove them wrong each time? Who knows.


swansong19

A lie only exists to the person that's been lied to when it's been found out. A tree only makes a sound when it falls if there is someone there to hear it. > if telling one lie makes you suspect, we all are. And, generally speaking, we all are. If you take every stranger at their word you're bound to be disappointed. So thanks for once again confirming it. I think most people are aware that everyone has lied at some point or another. But there's a difference between knowing someone lied to a cop to get out of a ticket...and knowing that they lied directly to *you*. Surely you can see the difference.


swansong19

Not willing to answer the question, eh? Fine.


kinetochore21

I did answer the question because that's why it disqualifies the quote. If you ascribed to this quote you would have to live your life suspicious of everyone, including yourself.


swansong19

Please point me to where you answered this question. > If someone lies to you do you not tend to be suspicious about other things they tell you/claim?


kinetochore21

Depends on what exactly the person lied to me about. If someone lied to me about their weight or something similar then no I wouldn't necessarily be suspicious about other things they tell me. If it's a situation like cheating, then yes it's normal to be suspicious. I was just pointing out that the quote you provided ignores the reality that we all lie to each other all the time.


swansong19

> we all lie to each other all the time. This says more about you than it does the quote or anything else.


kinetochore21

Want me to find some studies about lying in humans for you? You're just ignoring reality.


Frylock09

You are absolutely right for demanding a dna test.


cconflictedman

Thank you buddy . Seemed reasonable to me


juniperfallshere

As a woman, I don't blame you for getting a DNA test. My uncle found out his 18 year old son wasn't biologically his. He died soon after. Not to be dramatic, but I think he died of a broken heart because he couldn't seem to recover from that. I hope things get better for you and that you take care of yourself.


insazy

100% !


brai117

>confessed to a 4 month affair >the first thing I thought was my son good man. >and I don’t know if I believe it was only 4 months and if it was just one affair perfectly reasonable, she got caught lying and betrayed you, who's to say she wasn't always lying and betraying you. >I wanted a dna test immediately and demanded one before anything and before I make any decisions on what I’m going to do probably the smartest move you could have made. >She claims that this is the only time she cheated she doesn't get to make claims anymore without evidence. >She’s mad that I dna tested our son she's mad that she destroyed your trust in her so much you questioned the entire relationship, shame on her. >But I never questioned her once you gave her trust, until she abused it, she, removed the trust, not you. >What should I do going forward ? honestly, get a lawyer. end that relationship, go for sole custody, allow her visitations and try to be amicable about your kids life. >I’m home teaching our son how to read , basic math and etc and she’s out doing whatever with a guy I told her wasn’t interested in only being her friend from the very beginning disgusting, a shitty mom and a shitty wife. end that shit. >she called me insecure. like rule 1, don't confuse insecurity with intuition, you saw some shit was wrong, and she said nah, your the problem and when it came to light she was fucking around and you wanted evidence she wasn't always fucking around and that the boy you loved and cared for was your son, she said, nah your the problem. throw her out, get a lawyer, good luck.


cconflictedman

Thanks for such a detailed response. Really captures my feelings/thoughts right now


depressedfuckboi

No point in me commenting what I was gonna say after this. You said everything I would have said except you worded it much better. Spot on.


Sc0nnie

It sounds like she thinks she is owed your forgiveness. Truth is, she is not. That’s up to you to decide. Best of luck to you.


CubsMommy

First of all, she has NO right to be mad about anything. That’s just gaslighting. You’re well within reason to request a DNA test for your son and I’m glad he’s yours. That being said, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t be able to trust my partner after something like this. If I were you, I would leave.


Strong_Mogambo

Sounds like she might also be trying to falsely equate her cheating with OP's desire for a DNA test, to escape blame and the consequences of her actions


AnxiousAd6311

You got the dna test done but have you done a std test? She says this is the only time. I think she doesn’t understand that she broke the trust you had with her. how did you find out did she say she felt to guilt or was the other person going to tell you does she even have proof that it was 4 months? if I was you I would contact a lawyer seeing as she’s mad at you for doubting her I doubt she is remorseful


Automatic_Channel_80

Mate you must also post this on r/survivinginfidilty, and on r/asoneafterinfidelity. Those guys will be able to give you tons of support, ideas, and information.


cconflictedman

Didn’t know these existed thanks a lot . I’m checking them out right now


OccultPotionmaker

Speak to a lawyer to know your legal options and also look for couples therapy (or individual therapy) if you really do wish to try to make it work as a marriage or even how to process your feelings in case you divorce and since there is still a child between you. But yes you should make an appointment for consultation. *Do not throw her out or leave the house* before the consultation. *Do not tell her* about the consultation either. Best of luck.


thelilpessimist

you did the right thing. don’t apologize


grnd101

there is no difference in 1 min late and 3 hrs late you're still late hope you understand this


cconflictedman

Sorry buddy . Don’t understand would you mind explaining?


grnd101

i meant that cheating for one day is the same as cheating for 4 months it will have the same detrimental effects on your son and his perception of love in the future might become distorted. Your ex-wife really didn't think about the consequences at all. I hope you and your son have a loving life together in the future but I'm sure that under your guidance he will grow up to be a good person!


cconflictedman

Thanks man Really inspirational . I needed to hear it


Splatterfilm

I agree with the sentiment re: cheating, but that’s a lousy metaphor.


kb9benzema

get sole custody and make her pay child support... shes trash mate ns dont let her feed ur son lies about why u left her


NotTodayPsycho

Hes not going to get sole custody for her cheating


knotatwist

No but he seems to be the primary caregiver so he will have a better shot at it


kb9benzema

true but hopefully he can record evidence of her hoeing around while he takes care of the child making her unfit for parenting and hopfully the court helps him... most likely they wont tho😥


OccultPotionmaker

That is not how it works and infidelity does not mean you are unfit as a parent. Except if there is a disproportionate share of childcare forced upon the father, on her own time she can do what she likes as long as it is legal and not endangering the child. Including having sex with other people outside the home. If she had so much sex with other people that it was the only thing she was doing and she was being negligent that is a whole different issue. But that could as well have been a hobby and still being negligent (I had one client win sole custody since her ex husband was constantly watching/ going to court to see basketball at the point of never seeing his own children *for years*). Also, the court tries to make the best decision for the child. Denying him a perfectly fit mother because she cheats on the father is moronic. The same goes for any kind of gender combination. Imagine if courts started denying fathers visitation rights and shared custody, because they are cheaters (men cheat more in marriages than women). Absolutely ridiculous.


HeatmiserElliott

> she can do what she likes as long as it is legal and not endangering the child. Including having sex with other people outside the home. how exactly do we know the affair was happening outside the home? > a perfectly fit mother because she cheats this one we would need a bit more info from OP but theres plenty in his description to suggest she easily could not be a fit mother especially with all the gaslighting shes doing > men cheat more in marriages than women this was so unnecessary and had absolutely nothing to do with OP.....youre clearly a biased woman with an ulterior motive here. would bet all the money i have that if genders were reversed and OP was a woman whos husband had cheated you never would have posted this


OccultPotionmaker

My first comment advised OP to seek legal counsel for divorce but yes I definitely have ulterior motives here. Even if it was gender reversed, I really do not care, children should see their parents even if their parents are/have been cheaters. Most of the time it does not concern them at all. Especially in cases where the parents are also divorced or going through it.


HeatmiserElliott

why would you ever include “men cheat more than women” like how bitter is it to include that in a post that is specific to one situation? how does men on a macro level cheating more than women (which i question if thats true btw but regardless of that) help OP even in the slightest?


kb9benzema

>Except if there is a disproportionate share of childcare forced upon the father thats is what looks like is happening... she out with the guy all the time so hopefully OP can record it and why would a c u nt like OPs wife be a good partner to him anymore


OccultPotionmaker

He does not really say anything about all the time how often it happens or how much time it takes. She could be a stay at home parent and leave during the afternoons when he comes home or even the opposite. You don't have to be a good partner to be a good parent. Lots of good parents are terrible partners and the opposite.


cconflictedman

Thanks for the advice . I’ve considered it and hope it doesn’t come to that but who knows


nzur1

It won’t work


youngbull24

Women have to kill the 2/3 of the children before the courts even consider the father get the third .


OccultPotionmaker

Totally not true. Most fathers do not even ask for anything more than shared/joint custody in the first place because they do not want to. In cases where they do fight for full/sole custody, a lot of times they get it. This is a huge misconception by the general public. But in reality, fathers do not really care about getting sole custody in the first place. It is uncommon. [https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/f](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/stat2000/p4.html)[amil/stat2000/p4.html](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/stat2000/p4.html) [https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2020/demo/p60-269.pdf](https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2020/demo/p60-269.pdf) [https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/jf-pf/2017/nov02.html](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/jf-pf/2017/nov02.html) [https://erlichlegal.com/blog/single-](https://erlichlegal.com/blog/single-fathers-single-mothers-child-custody-statistics/)[fathers-single-mothers-child-custody-statistics/](https://erlichlegal.com/blog/single-fathers-single-mothers-child-custody-statistics/) [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/myths-about-custody-litigation/2017/12/15/61951bc4-e0e6-11e7-b2e9-8c636f076c76\_story.html](https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/myths-about-custody-litigation/2017/12/15/61951bc4-e0e6-11e7-b2e9-8c636f076c76_story.html) [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dispelling-the-myth-of-ge\_b\_1617115](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dispelling-the-myth-of-ge_b_1617115)


AKA_RMc

[citation needed]


TheSavageBallet

Your getting downvoted but it’s totally true, especially in the US, joint custody is the default unless it’s literally a nursing infant.


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Woody_Harryishson

He provided a mountain of evidence. You provided none.


OccultPotionmaker

I am a lawyer and have gotten better custody arrangements for male clients, even though I do practice in the Nordics (and men here contribute a lot more than Americans in family raising and childcare) and most did not even have to go to court. And you may think it is like that, but when women aka mothers are still doing most of the childcare in most countries, why would most fathers suddenly decide they want to do most? Guess what, most do not.


AyHorn

Yeah you probably know more about this than me, I stand corrected, my data was anecdotal and totally different geographical location by the way, could you also give me a study which shows men pursed custody and how much they are granted, I am a little curious


kb9benzema

true but hopefully he can record evidence of her hoeing around while he takes care of the child making her unfit for parenting and hopfully the court helps him... most likely they wont tho😥


peachesthepup

Because sleeping around doesn't make you an unfit parent in the eyes of the court. It has zilch to do with parenting. It has nothing to do with the care of the child. They simply won't remove a child from a parent for relationship matters such as cheating


Nevereveragain0212

Sounds like she's used to getting her way. DO NOT CAVE. Don't apologize. Don't initiate making up with her. I think you need a trial separation. You can get your head on straight. She can get a taste of what life will be like without you, maybe wake her ass up and put her into remorse mode instead of her current DARVO bullshit.


ParticularWingspan

She doesn't have the right to be mad at you or make demands about anything now. Stay calm and stay logical my man, as you have been. As others have said, getting a lawyer is probably a good idea. I personally would not find this situation salvageable. Stay strong, we're rooting for you.


AshleyzOpinion

First off you did absolutely nothing wrong requesting a DNA test. It seems to be she was trying to shift blame from herself. If you want to give this relationship another shot, marriage counseling is an absolute must. No negotiation. If you know this is not something that you can get past completely, the a divorce is what your looking at. Just know that her cheating was absolutely NOT your fault or caused by anything you did or didn’t do. Do not take her actions onto yourself. Second, asking for a DNA test was smart and logical. I am so sorry you are going through this and I really wish you find your happiness.


schetzo

I advise you read a book called leave a cheater gain a life. It might give you the nudge you need to regain sanity for you and your son going forward. Remember your a example for him and chances are he might cheat or get cheated on himself in the future, how would you want him to deal with that?


Razszberry

Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear this op. First and foremost, she may not realize the full extent of the damage she’s done to you. That’s not an excuse in the slightest. If you’re able, try family counseling. It sounds like you have a lot of pain built up and it will help. Now infidelity is no small thing to move past. Take care of yourself, your son will see how you treat his mother, he’ll see how you handle this situation. You clearly care about him deeply, so while you maybe hurting and confused about what you will do, use your love for him as your anchor.


cconflictedman

Thank you for the kind words


Razszberry

This is what internet friends are for ❤️


randomusername2895

And what about how his mother treats his father ? That’s the whole problem here. Not OP’s behaviour to his wife


Razszberry

We aren’t focusing on her right now. Stay on topic.


randomusername2895

Yes we are talking about their issues. Op doesn’t need to fix himself.


Razszberry

Hold on, someone who got absolutely broken and devastated by infidelity doesn’t need to fix themselves? I’m sure op has a whole lot of work he’ll need to do to feel whole again. He has an opportunity to teach his son grace through adversity. He has an opportunity to build himself and his son up.


randomusername2895

Yes but he needs to focus on himself not on how he treats his wife. It’s completely okay if he doesn’t talk to her for a while. His son also needs to learn how to stand up for himself and to not let himself be treated so badly.


imF4CEL3SS

yeah, sounds like she was mad because she herself wasn't 100% sure if the kid was yours, dude just leave her, you are not obligated to forgive her just split childcare 50/50 and move on


cconflictedman

Yep that crossed my mind also. Like what if she was as relived as I was. She could have been going through 4 years of uncertainty , a child that looks nothing like the father and watch me raise him and didn’t say anything . I hope she has more heart then that and this affair is the only one but who knows . Trust is down the drain


NedAnti09

Why did she confess? Do you still want to be with her? Did she tell you who the AP was? If they broke it off already.., who was the one to do it? Does she work with him? Has she shown their communication? So much cuestiones!!


cconflictedman

Her stories wasn’t adding up and I bluffed like I already knew everything. Then she spilled and it was with exactly who I thought it was. Her “friend”


tahaelhour

She definitely cheated on you before your son was born. She was just lucky he was yours. She wouldn't have been that defensive if it wasn't the case.


Elijandou

Don’t do anything quickly. Action is not required urgently.


Majestic-tomcat

Dont let her rent space in your head, based on what you described, shes a piece of work and wants to deflect blame on you for her misdeeds. She doesnt want you to question her and is upset you are not taking her cheating behavior well. I would end things now, collect all the evidence you can, and try to get custody of your kid. Based on how shes acted, I would be ruthless in court. Get a lawyer fast BEFORE you tell her and take their advice. You may be able to start making moves before her, get your personal valuables somewhere safe like your parents house.


Upper_Physics2898

Some good advices are already given, so I just want to wish you good luck and recovery. Also calling someone out on supposed insecurities is pretty convenient for manipulative people, while cheaters are usually the weak ones. In my college years I cheated on someone myself, so I know. Doesnt take the courage, it takes to be a shitty person. Your spouse doesnt deserve you man, you are great guy, good luck


Stranger_Danger3000

Please tell me you are divorcing her


schetzo

every remorseful cheater I know personally or have read about (on Reddit for example) will start to see how they can win their betrayed spouse after the betrayal. She’s lashing out because you now question everything makes it seem like 4 months is what she wanted to settle with telling you, not necessarily being the truth but enough to say you knew type of thing. Was it the only affair only she will know that and it’s understandable for you to doubt that. Having her ego hurt because you question the paternity of your son after she’s proven not to be trustworthy and lashing out on you is a red flag bro. 3 weeks is a long time as well. Ask your self is this the relationship you want to have for the foreseeable future? She hasn’t accepted responsibility or her disrespect and comes across as a narc in your story. My advise is to force this conversation in front of a professional who specializes in infidelity, maybe she will see the impact of her behavior and you will get a good gage of how much she cares for the consequences her actions have on you, if she doesn’t want that then it’s best to walk away with dignity in my opinion. Sorry that happened to you OP.


Sultan-Lannister

Dear OP, I don’t know you, but I am deeply sorry for this unfortunate thing. Where I come from we have a poem that says “Do not complain to people a wound that is yours, the wound does not pain expect those who are wounded”. Regardless of how close we may be to some people, in times of challenge and the presence of the sensation of threat and danger the human will give up on morality and submit to their instinct to save themselves only. Don’t expect your wife to understand your pain, she might even deny the validity of it if the that puts her in a better place while your confront her. I really liked your firmness, you refused to apologize for demanding what you deemed to be reasonable. I also second what you said about how bad her response was, she just can’t be fussy about this reasonable suspicion after she was with another person. Don’t submit to her at this stage, she is acting like when she faced your unshaken accountability. Seek to get the full truth by the hook or crook, knowing the full story will help you in deciding the way forward. Seek advice on prepping for a divorce and understand the possible scenarios for custody, just to be ready for the worst case scenario. Be strong, sometimes being a man is a disadvantage in courtroom. Stay strong, you’re on the right side, don’t let this creep into your confidence, your son still needs you and will need you with him all the time, do this right him, you sounded like a caring father. Finally, for those who will read my comments, this is one example of why it is legitimate to have rules about and transparent about “friends” from the opposite sex.


Gazerni

Why are you still with an unfaithful woman? 4 months as well, do you not have any self worth?


ezagreb

Wait - she cheated and lied for many months/years even and she's upset you don't trust her ? There may be something crucial about reconciliation that she is missing. If she can't find that missing regret you might consider proceeding to divorce.


rickmorthy

Green and blue eyes are recessive genes, so technically you could have a child with that color of eyes, even you are black/black eyed. But some of your ancestors probably had it. But you already did DNA test, so all its good, I am happy for you, at least something is true.. Our colleague gave you some subs, check them out. Try to solve the problem if you want, to overcome this... But it will be hard, and all the time picking your brain where is she and what she do..


Manjeric0

Personally I'd file for divorce and custody. I highly doubt you'll ever trust your wife ever again and she clearly will never respect you ever again. Your marriage is over. Cut your losses and get out while your son is still young, because raising a child in a toxic household is worst than having divorced parents. Trust me on this one. My parents should have gotten divorced long before I was even born but in the end they stayed together until I was a teenager and that was even worse. Remember that YOU are the prize not her, and whilst being a single father may be a hindrance in finding a new relationship, being a single mother is far, far worse. Men aren't taking single mothers serious when it comes to long term relationships and that's why it's paramount that you fight for custody and take your son away from your cheating, toxic wife.


jalapenochickensoup

She shouldn't be upset if she has nothing to hide. PERIOD!.


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cconflictedman

Thank you for the advice . I haven’t considered couples counseling yet so I’ll do the research


beb252

These are compulsary: STD Tests, DNA tests, polygraph tests, timeline of the affair, sending off no contact to her affair partner.


imF4CEL3SS

slight interjection, polygraphs are not 100% accurate and have a decently large margin for error, basically any question thats not yes or no is a fucking shit show to them for the most part


cconflictedman

I don’t think I want to do all that. I work too hard to be stressing out and going crazy about what she’s doing all day. If I can’t trust her 100% again I rather just move on instead of playing detective. Thanks for the advice though buddy


beb252

You will need these as evidence if you decide for D, especially the timeline of the affair. Some betrayed spouses ask for the timeline under the guise of reconciliation. So you can force your wayward wife to provide the timeline of their affair knowing that you might be hoping for reconciliation but you will use it as evidence.


OccultPotionmaker

No in many places you do not need these as evidence. In a lot of places you do not need any evidence to file for divorce. He should ask a local lawyer on what he should do depending on the local legislation.


beb252

If you live in an at-fault state then definitely you need to provide evidence if you're filing for adultery.


OccultPotionmaker

Yes I know but you cannot know where he lives, so he should ask a local lawyer instead of spending money on advice based on reddit and also wasting his time obsessing over it. He may as well not even be American.


beb252

Not sure what you're getting at. I was just giving some advice. I'm not a lawyer, so if you have problems with people giving an advice then please don't start some argument because you just want to argue. My advice, not your business.


cconflictedman

Okay I wasn’t thinking about that. Thanks


Ayre28

This is bad advice though. Sorry but it is. You don’t need a timeline of affair or a polygraph and in most the world those would be laughed out of court. Edit to add: DNA test (if it’s important to you) and STD test are sensible.


beb252

It is important that she will read the timeline in front of you so she will feel all the shame. You'll have the time of your life when you see her face. I can see that you're not looking to reconcile so this is the best time to watch her shame herself.


Ayre28

No. Do not do this. Being vindictive and vengeful will not achieve anything if there is a custody or divorce battle that makes it to court. People saying stuff like this actively harms OP’s chances of a good custody arrangement. Stop it.


beb252

It's not vindictive to have her create a timeline. Read some books on infidelity, they all say the same thing. It's not vindictive to ask for the truth. It's the truth, why is vindictive to know the truth. It's the business of the betrayed spouse to ask for the truth.


Ayre28

That’s not what you said is it? You said it’s vital to get her to read it out in front of you so you can shame her. This is bad advice that helps no-one and achieves nothing. ‘Read some books on infidelity’ is a silly thing to say.


beb252

Yes, it's vital for her to read the timeline herself to OP. That is essential. I added the fact that OP is not planning to reconcile so reading the timeline to him would give her a lot of shame for what she's done? I'm not sure why that is vindictive to you? Recounting the affair is vindictive? I don't think so! Again, what I said was from infidelity books. You can check out for yourself if you want. They will state the same thing.


Ayre28

Vital to what? Essential to what? What purpose does it play?


suteba

Sorry you married such trash. Seriously man, you deserve better. Now, maximize the FUCK out of your leverage. "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again." https://youtu.be/Dp5lGINtM34


CaraChimba

Yup she sounds like a cunt and is manipulating you into feeling sorry for her. Get a lawyer and custody of your son obviously she never gave a fuck about her family.


facethemusic016

I’m one of those people that think it’s so offensive to ask your wife for a patternity test. But not in your situation. She proved herself to not be trustwrothy, yet she demands that you trust her regardless of her betraying you. That’s delusional of her, that’s not how trust works. You did nothing wrong. The only thing left is for her to have accounability for what she has done. That’s the only thing that can start reconciliation. But, honestly, doesn’t sound like she gets what she has done. She is not admitting her fault, not accepting the consequences, how this has affected you and is not willing to put the effort into gaining your trust back. I’m sorry, but if she doesn’t do those things, the relationship is doomed for sure.


DocAwesum

How can you carry on with someone who you can’t trust, can’t look at, and will manipulate you when you go to get legitimate questions answered? This relationship sounds like it’s breaking: do you even want to fix it?


DirtyFuckenDangles

If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions. Not if you want ANY respect, self or otherwise.


youngbull24

You’re a great man op.As soon as she pushed out a green baby I would have requested a dna test.Happy to hear it’s yours


Automatic_Channel_80

Mate go to chump lady dot com. That is a most helpful site in your situation.


Moon-D0G

Cheating is cheating and relationship should be ended. Thinking this thinking that, just bullshit, get some courage. You are not happy


Lezonidas

One thing is cheating on a drunk night, another completely different is cheating on a weekly or even daily basis for 4 months straight and come to sleep with the husband without feeling like shit. She's not the right one, and trying to manipulate you, blaming you for not trusting her, that's next level. You have to decide if it's worth for you to be with her but there's a high probability of her cheating again, the reason is obvious, she didn't regret it for 4 months straight, she only confessed when the affair was over so she didn't have to carry the weight of the lie


Ryrynz

It's your right, her being pissed off about it would be enough for me to leave the marriage. The shit people put up with..


pineapplegiggles

Sorry, but screw her slight discomfort with you doing a DNA test which was perfectly reasonable after she shattered all trust by cheating. She is just trying to find something to feel victimised about when she is the one who is in the wrong. Fully recommend the book ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ and the Chump Lady forums.


mischaracterised

Sorry, but she doesn't get to be mad on this one - **that's what happens if you cheat, even once, when children are involved.**


D_Caedus

You have all the right and SHOULD get a dna test, you deserve the truth and the peace of mind. She made a big mistake and now has to face the consequences, her refusing because she is "upset" is out of the question.


OccultPotionmaker

He already did and it is his


Specialist-Ad5322

Dude, Do not apologise. You only apologise when you do something wrong. You didn't. I bet she said "How can you think I would do something like that" to witch the obvious answer is "I never thought you would cheat on me, and still..." And, if she is acting like that, there's nothing to salvage. She doesn't respect you (obviously), she doesn't love you, she probaby doesn't even care about you, except if she needs you for something! Like canging a bulb or saving her from the spider in the sink! It's normal to feel disapointed. If you are only turned of and not repulsed by her, well, that is way more then she diserves :) ​ All my best wishes to you


Barbarian_Sam

Regardless of the paternity test and what you do with this relationship be a part of that boys life


CarterCage

She knew she didn’t cheated then and probably was like I only want your kids how can you suspect that, but trust is gone and you are allowed to feel how you feel… I personally would not be able to trust her again but if you can then it’s start otherwise better to divorce then to stay and suffer…


JynxTail

>I feel like she’s being selfish and is gaslighting me like I’m the crazy when she’s the one who cheated. Trust your gut mate, she is blameshifting. I honestly feel like you should seriously consider wether or not you want to forgive someone treats you like that. This doesn't sound like proper remorse to me.


susfusstruss

what is she doing to fix the trust she broke when she cheated? sounds like she isn't trying to make amends in the relationship she called you insecure while she was cheating ... holy shit this woman has no shame


holl7

She needs a reality check.


Nitanitapumpkineater

She think you should trust her word when she's just cheated on you and been lying to your face. Big fricken LOL. You had every right to DNA test your child after the shit she pulled. To be honest, I think your marriage is done. You don't trust her, and she's mad at you for questioning how far back her cheating has gone. She should have HAPPILY backed your need for the DNA test. If she wanted to save your relationship, she would be doing anything and everything to make up for what she's done. Instead she got pissed off, like how dare you question her word. But why would you ever trust her again after what she's done? She brought all of this on herself by being untrustworthy. The trash took itself out on this one. Your kid is yours, that's the most important thing. Now it's time to move on without your wife.


No_Charity_9581

Wtf she is mad at you?She fucking cheated and she has the Audacity to be mad at you???.I am sorry man, you seem like a really good man and I just think you are with the wrong woman.I would leave her if i was in your place but at the end of the day,the decision is on you,think about everything and do what you think you need to do,i wish you good luck and just remember that you deserve someone who is loyal and loving like obviously you are:).And btw,like most of the comments say, you were right to demand a dna test


ruser_void

It's completely normal to question everything once you are forced to learn that the foundation of your beliefs has been so dramatically challenged. Your wife is 100% at fault IMO. Your wife broke your trust. Your wife betrayed you and your family. Your wife should be willing to do whatever is necessary to allow you to find the courage to trust again.


sammysalamis

Ask for a DNA test and leave her. Simple as that. Cheating for 4 months isn’t a mistake. It’s a repeated decision that could have been stopped at any point. She could have said no at any point during those 4 months. Have some respect for yourself. Jesus. No one deserves to be treated that way. You deserve better and could easily find someone who treats you that way.


Kaiisim

I dont like a lot of her behaviour in this. First if it was obvious to you he wanted to fuck her, it was obvious to her. She not only put herself in that situation she gaslighted you as being insecure. She wasnt cheating on you, but worse having an affair. This wasnt one time. It was months of betrayal. She lied to your face for the entire time. Hundreds of lies. And now she is mad she has lost your trust. And is acting like youre the one who did something wrong. Ask yourself- how often is she dismissive of you and your feelings in the past? How often have you given up your side of an argument just to make peace? Is this a pattern of behaviour of selfishness and dismissiveness that youve kind of learned to dealt with? Remember - repentance is required for forgiveness like this. If she is truly sorry then fine...but doesnt sound like it.


Katarrina3

Wait, how does not wanting to be just her friend (from now on I assume) related to being insecure? She cheated, broke your trust and she somehow blames you, wtf


cconflictedman

They guy she cheated with she was claiming he was just her friend


Katarrina3

I read that wrong, my headache is getting the best of me. She‘s still in the wrong though, you have every right to feel the way you do!


SomewhatVital

She's trying to get away with murder by making an issue out of a non issue. Its only normal to check the kid if she cheated. Always hold onto that point as it is the truth. She will do anything to make you move from that point. Also sorry for you man. You shouldn't be with a cheater. Much less have a family with one.


[deleted]

As someone who has been cheated on pretty badly, know this: it is always exponentially worse than what they've admitted to. They will trickle truth you if you push at it, but, that will only make the relationship worse. If you can't get past it, end it or you'll end up hating her. A hateful environment is not something I'm sure you'd want your son to grow up around. I'm sorry this is happening to you my internet friend, but, you have a serious decision to make and it's important you think of your son above all else.


300zxTTFairlady

The reason why she was defensive on the DNA test is because she's done this before and was probably thinking this would come back that he wasn't yours. She lucked out when he turned out to be yours.


rguy5545

Your insecurities didn’t “flare up.” She broke your trust. Very different. She has to earn it back. I can see forgiving someone after cheating, but they have to understand they did wrong and work to earn back your trust. Doesn’t sound like she’s willing to do that...


[deleted]

OP you had every right to want a dna test. Why it came as a shock or surprise to your cheating wife? Idk. I wouldn’t apologize for wanting one either. She cheated. She doesn’t get to be wrong, right, and strong all at the same damn time. Tell her build a bridge.


tuolumne_artist

She needs to accept the consequences for her actions. Asking for a DNA test shouldn’t have come as a surprise. She reaped what she sowed.


Bubbamusicmaker

If you can do this, contact a lawyer and at the least separate/establish visitations. Find a new place to live, with your son, and start the healing process. If you want her in your life take some time and go real slow. And if not, divorce her and move on.


[deleted]

do you need her permission for a dna test?


shibwabwab

Get the test done and run.


WolfstarDawn

The audacity! She cheated and is offended you don't trust her? Did she really think that only because she confessed, everything is ok? What did she expect? Prize for honesty? Medal for braveness? Unless she takes full responsibility and actually asks what you want her to do to start healing your relationship, she simply does not deserve your forgiveness.


RonanCondon

I've had to secretly DNA test a friends kid in the same situation, do the test yourself or get a friend to do it when she's not around and run regardless of the results.


dontlovemenorshouldu

Asking for a DNA is extremely reasonable given your circumstances, though I must add that my mom is black and I am pale with green eyes. Sometimes genetics just do their own thing.


MaryContrary26

How can you forgive her if she's not asking for forgiveness? Because she's really not. She's being defensive, digging her heels in, not really showing any humility. I wonder if she even wants to continue this relationship because it's possible she's (subconsciously) looking to make you the bad guy as an excuse to end it.


Environmental_Ad8009

I would dump her and get a dna test. Love the kids if they are mine. Move on man.


scootycreampuff

I’m sorry this happened. I’m glad your son is yours. It was 4 months. At least that’s what she admits to. And who knows why she’s admitting it. Feeling guilt? Told by her AP that she tell you or he will? I dunno man, I don’t think I could forgive that but I cannot forgive cheating period.


Mewoir78

You don't need a DNA test bro you need a lawyer


OccultPotionmaker

It is amazing how many people cannot read and think he still did not get a DNA test. He did and the kid is his!


grimey493

The first part was bad enough but The last part about her seeing a guy that's into her would be the last straw for me. I'd get out and take time for yourself to rebalance your life and don't look back. It's going to be complicated with your son but down the road you will be happier without her cheating ways.


B1gD1cV1rgn

She's trying to down play her cheating by pretending your DNA test was just as wrong. Bullshit. *"How could you not trust me?"* Uh, hello? **Maybe cuz you fucking cheated?!** If I'm you I'm divorcing & seeking full custody.


numbersev

You should leave her because if you dont that lack of trust will eat away at you. And the audacity for her to get angry at you... Sounds like a keeper Have some respect for yourself.


lordbyron0001

More power to you. The best option would have been to get a divorce, but now that you have a son, think about it. One thing is for sure; you will never forget this infidelity. And she will keep on bringing your DNA test in every single fight. This will never end.


murrkpls

Healing starts with her taking full responsibility. If that doesn't happen there's very little foundation to move forward on. Wishing you all the best!


Consistent_Address62

Why did you ask? Just do it. You don’t need her permission.


cconflictedman

I did maybe I didn’t type it clear enough but he’s mine


aitathrowaway80085

Dude, i have to ask, why forgive her? For the kid? He will not thank you, when he grows up, for staying and be miserable. Because you love her? Well she doesn't love you. It wasn't a random drunken kiss, it was a 4 months long full affair, and she is already complaining about you not trusting her. If she cheated when you were possibly at your best, what makes you think that she will be better while you heal? I'm not trying to bash, i know that you are hurting, i have been there too, but i feel like you will be hurting even more if you stay.


sk03167

At least OP You Are/ The Father


meandwatersheep

She is gaslighting you. It was absolutely fair of you to want a DNA test. She wanted you to just trust her word that he’s yours after she’s violated your marriage? Ridiculous. A lot of couples can’t continue after infidelity. Get some personal therapy if you can, try to work through your emotions, figure out what you want and got from there.


dissident-fiend

You have to ask yourself are you happy to be the marriage police for the rest of your life, filled with anxiety always looking over your shoulder, question why she hasn’t texted you back… Yes of course it’s her responsibility and she needs to put up with all of your insecurities on this… Yet are you happy feeling insecure this way?


EarthBelcher

She has no right to be upset with you. She broke your trust and you have very right to make sure that your son is actually yours (thankfully he is). But honestly, if you want to try and make it work then I suggest therapy and maybe give it some time. But if you cannot see yourself forgiving her then a divorce is the best possible solution for not just the 2 of you but also your son.


rahr124

I’m glad that your son is yours. You weren’t wrong in the slightest.


THROWMYLIFEAWAY567

First of all, I would like affirm your insecurities are valid, due to the fact that she cheated and I guess your son doesn’t show many similarities to you. I guess at this point you have to evaluate if you prefer to divorce your wife and discuss the legal formalities of the divorce such as custody and the dividing of assets. Maybe due to her gaslighting, involve a third party e.g lawyer, to keep yours and your son’s best interests in mind. Infidelity can have many mental ramifications on people and possible seeking therapy to deal with the emotions that this has evoked might be helpful as well.


Kakrin

r/survivinginfidelity


Psychological_Sky_12

She cheats but wonders why you question her credibility afterwards.


DivingForBirds

Maybe marry someone your own age next time.


youngbull24

Nothing is wrong with a 8 year 39-31 age gap . Everyone is adults


blackkat1986

If you think he isn’t already controlling you are dead wrong. I guarantee you he will be controlling over finances as soon as he has you babytrapped. You seem to be making real positive changes with yourself and your mental health recently, please don’t let this man drag you down with his bullshit. Go and be happy in your life.